Hello, Haven't been here for a few days although I check in

Hello, Haven't been here for a few days although I check in and see what is going on with everyone. Haven't felt the need to unburden or relieve my soul and inner turmoil or make any comments to anyone. I am still in hurtful turmoil about my impending divorce from my wife of 25+ years. My inner soul and being is in a place where I cannot find pleasure in anything. I drag myself through the day, a redundant exercise in living, not as the life I knew and expected to live but as a shell of myself. Solace comes from the slow reconnecting with friends I lost because I had to make choices between my wife and each friend. Unfortunately some have passed away and I never had the chance to say thank you, or Love you or God Bless you. It has broken my heart into pieces that will never be put back together. I saw my Doctor today, my annual, he knows what is going on. He asked me how I am doing, I cried, couldn't help it, he is a good man but has no way to help me and he knows it. Tomorrow is another day and on we go.
I hope Jesus knows that I tried so hard, I really did, but I cold not make it better.

4 Hearts

I am the same way right now I know what is coming and nothing I can do about it. I am sure you also have that same dark hole in your chest and a pit where your stomach used to be. Everyday is a blur and habit has taken over on what you do. Life sucks and knowing there is nothing emonional wise worth it anymore. Just to hold her again would make it all go away but you know it won't happen again makes it even worse. I know this pain all to well it sucks. But I hear it gets better. not exactly sure myself on that. I am in the anger stage of this process. Yes there are stages in this, I didn't know that. Last one is acceptance from my understanding. I won't even accept what has and will be done. I, like you pray Jesus knows. I pray every night to him. all you can do it plan things out for yourself. That's what I do now really have no choice anymore. It sucks nothing I can do about it. There is also from what I hear through time she might return. I know mine won't. I think it's not a matter of going on in life thinking about things like this I think it's about how you go on from this that matters. no one likes to start over, no one

Both of your posts break my heart....I don't know how far along either of you are in this process that I call Crazy Crap...but just know that the pain does ease up, slowly,,,but it does,,,,,,I write a prayer everyday, on a piece of paper in the morning and carry it with me all day long. When this first started it was Please Father, bring him back to me.....Then it was Please father, watch over him, he needs you soo much.....and now it is Please Father, you know me, you know my heart,,,,please grant me peace. Most days are peaceful,,,I am blessed, I have a good life,,,but it still isn't what I thought my life was going to be. The only thing that keeps me going forward is having the belief that HE knows best, HE knows what HIS plans are for me, just as HE knows what HE has planned for you as well....hang in there,,,we are all in this together...we will get through it!

1 Heart

@Ellen4550 Hello Ellen thank you for your kind words. The pain, Dear God, yes, it is like a continual slow death that never ends. The brutality and callousness of what was once my marriage, has shown me how little control we have over anything in this life. When I needed support it was not forthcoming and little by little the marriage came apart. In the back of my mind I always feared that when the chips were down I would be disappointed and it came true. I was always there no matter what for my wife, right or wrong old school for better or for worse. It cost me my life, my love overruled what my brain kept telling me, there is something wrong here in this marriage, I ignored all the obvious signs and allowed myself to be abused for many years and never tried to stop it until it was to late. As a guy it is very difficult for me to admit being abused both emotionally and at ties physically. I made excuses for my wife, knowing what little I did about her family’s history of mental health issues. I lost me in this marriage, I lost my life. It is to late for me now. I am alone with no one, no family, no support I dread and fear becoming ill for even one day. My world is so tenuous and hangs by a thread each day.
Ellen your idea to write and carry a prayer each day is wonderful, I think I will start to do that. I am a deep believer in Jesus and God’s help, I have to be it is all I have. Over time I have written many posts here for me to others and just to unburden myself sometimes. You are right, there is a kindred spirit here, albeit one that generally is very sad and exposes the worst of human behavior at times. May God Bless you and may today be peaceful for all.

I have felt exactly the same way as you describe, not finding pleasure in anything, as you describe "a redundant exercise in living". My regular doctor prescribed anti anxiety meds to help me through the rough spots and I took them a few times.
Maybe your doctor can do that? Also in the beginning I was known to drown my sorrows in ice cream and comfort food. Whatever got me through the day. Lately being there for my grandchildren helps but my daughter has been a bit inconsiderate at times lately. I don't even think she realizes how
she is at times. She also is under a lot of stress in an unhappy marriage. In the beginning I tried watching videos on the subject, looking for answers online, reading, talking to my family and friends. I tried going out and taking a class I had wanted but I didn't stick with it after only 3 weeks. I just wasn't feeling it. Then I started going swimming with the neighbor lady, then by myself. Being able to walk to the pool and swim helped. Then moved closer to grandchildren, then took DivorceCare classes where I learned everything I'm going through is normal. Even thinking about not living is normal when going through this. Then I tried a hypnotherapist. She was helpful. It got better some but still have bad days. I call it the down rollercoaster and it is wearing me out. I need to be even already. I couldn't afford to keep going to the hypnotherapist though. I think she was helpful because she gave me hope for a better tomorrow that I could actually see happening. About the next man that I will be with, the life I will live. Basically focusing on severing the ties with my ex and then looking forward. The DivorceCare and support groups are good, but after a while seem to drag me down because it is always focusing on the negative. But apparently there is no shortcut to grief. It's hard at my age to keep having hope when my whole life has been nothing but struggle and starting over. And I'm getting too old to keep hanging on to the same dreams which is my biggest loss. One purpose in life gone.
I've worked on myself a lot over the years but still failed yet again. My struggles are mostly brought on by my bad decisions of course. And I'm not good at picking a good mate clearly. Maybe I just need to accept that and live with it. When I get discouraged about my living circumstances I tend to go into that depression again which is where I've been the last few days. I am disappointed in my housing situation and wishing I would have been a career woman all these years. But we all make decisions at that time based on what we perceive as the most important thing to do. I'm so tired of living by my principles and values and having it backfire on me. Makes me think I should change. To be fair I didn't live by these principles early in life and that set the stage for the rest. However seems I could have done a lot better a lot sooner. I think if I could get myself situated with income and a comfortable place to live that gives me a lifestyle I can enjoy that will help. I feel most alive and useful when with my grandchildren but cannot afford anything near them so it is a challenge right now trying to figure out what to do. I will say when I first got here I didn't even enjoy my grandchildren and it took a couple of months to enjoy them because of where I was emotionally and mentally. So I know I've made progress. Is there anything at all now that brings you joy?