Hello - I am also new to this site and am not sure what I re

Hello - I am also new to this site and am not sure what I really want or need to say so I guess I will just start with a summary of my situation. Being new I'm also not sure what all of the abbreviations I see on this site mean but I assume that "DD" or "DDay" refers to the "discovery day" and that "H" refers to my husband - other than that idk what any of the other abbreviations are? Anyway, my H and I have been together for 26 years now, married for 25 as of December 2016, and I found out in late May/early June 2015 that he has been cheating with several ppl of both sexes for several years now. Many of the details I have are fairly vague bcuz he swears he doesn't remember when he started cheating/ended our marriage - and yes, that's what his cheating is in my mind - when he started cheating is when he ended our marriage. In addition to not knowing a month/year or even just a year when my H ended our lives together I don't even have a specific DD since he denied everything for DAYS and when he did finally start to "come clean" he did it over a period of several WEEKS, revealing a small bit at a time and swearing each time that what he had just revealed was all there was to reveal. So lie upon lie upon lie upon lie etc etc etc - is it any wonder that I honestly do not think I will EVER trust him (or anyone else) ever again? And the ways that he betrayed me are staggering too - he even had something going on with my own cousin, the closest person to a sister I've ever had. We went to therapy for approx 5-6 months after DD and from the very beginning of this "nightmare" we have both been committed to trying very hard to restore/repair our relationship. This entire thing has been especially difficult for both of us because we have not revealed the situation to anyone in our families except for 3 people in order to protect our only daughter from the pain that knowing what her father has done would cause her. It is especially difficult for me bcuz in addition to having my entire world ripped out from under me, in order to protect my daughter I have no choice but to put on a "normal/happy face" around everyone in our lives whether they know about the situation or not. My H claims he hasn't had any further contact with any of the "wh----s" since DD and that he doesn't want anything to do with them but only "realized" that these ppl were never the "friends" to him that they tried to portray themselves to be after several months of therapy sessions. In fact, during the several weeks long "reveal" period he even tried to defend these people to ME when I called them all wh----s; several times he did this which obviously did NOT help me at ALL. He finally did come to understand, with the help of our therapist and much discussion of what these wh----s REALLY did to/with/for him that these people are parasites that prey upon men they sense are lonely or "disconnected" from their wives and none of them feel any guilt for pursuing a married man for MONTHS to lure him into their twisted webs because this is what parasites do - they consume their prey and then they move on. In addition to what my H has admitted to me (after MANY long talks and me DRAGGING the info out of him), I also was able to contact these wh----s by posing as my H and get some of them to reveal details about their relationship with my H. This has definitely been a "double edged sword" for me bcuz on the "plus" side it did answer many of my questions about how these "relationships" started and how they played out; but then again, on the "negative" side it also gave me MANY details that I honestly do not think I will EVER be able to forget. Like the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for...." - I got what I was after from them but now I have to suffer further BECAUSE I got so many details from them. And the thing with my cousin, that's obviously caused a huge rift in my family although most of the family seems to believe their "cover" story that all they ever did was text with a little "innocent flirting" thrown in whenever either of them needed a boost to their egos/self esteem. They both still "claim" that nothing physical happened between them but to me that hardly matters - the fact that they both went behind my back for NINE YEARS is plenty for me to consider this an ultimate betrayal. And re: the men my H was involved with, he swears it was only oral but I don't believe him on that point either. I can't help but doubt EVERYTHING he's told me from the day we very first met - for me, his cheating has not only destroyed "now" but everything we've EVER had - I've even had to take down all of the family photos we've had hanging on our walls for years because I can't stand to be faced with the lies our life together has apparently been all these years. I still know it but at least i don't have to look at the photographic evidence of everything we've lost due to his stupidity. And the biggest irony? When we first met we had both been through the ringer with people who decided they'd rather "switch sides" than be with us - and when my H "claims" he started cheating on me, around 15 years or so into our marriage, he claims that one of the main reasons was that he was convinced that i had been cheating on him with my ex boyfriend from high school who shortly after high school "came out" and has been openly gay since just after my H and I got married. My H believed this because my gay ex had emailed me a couple of times and my H found the emails - emails that I should point out contained NOTHING sexual or flirtatious AT ALL. And to add to my misery? One of the ways that the wh----s "connected" with my H is that he always looked sad and lonely at work and they befriended him and he confided in them about how his wife was cheating on him and that he had even found sexual photos and videos of me cheating on him as proof (ALL of this was a lie - I have NEVER been unfaithful to my H and after many therapy sessions he finally admitted that he knows that i haven't and says that his lying about me was just another part of the "delusional life" he was living. He now thinks of all of this as some other person was doing all these horrible things - says it's like there were 2 of him, the loving H who kept trying anything he could think of to make me happy and make our marriage work and then the other "him" that was with the wh----s at work AND bringing them into OUR HOME while I was at work - and to make matters worse, he didn't even use any protection when he was with them - and although he lied to them and claimed that we NEVER had sex anymore, we still did so I'm the lucky one that got to sleep with a bunch of wh----s without even knowing it, thinking I was in a monogamous relationship with a man I'd been married to for YEARS and who claimed I and our daughter meant EVERYTHING to him and that he wouldn't even still be here if it weren't for me saving him all those years ago - blah blah blah - what a bunch of BS. I'm sorry - I know I probably shouldn't be "exploding" like this but from what I've read in some of the other posts on this site, I don't think I'm alone in the anger and sorrow and loss and despair I feel. I want revenge; I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and find it was all just a bad dream; I want to go back in time and NEVER even meet my H in the first place; and then sometimes I want to make this work because so help me I still love him with whatever broken pieces remain of my shattered heart.

7 Hearts

It's so hard. betrue to yourself. Do no harm but take no $hit

2 Hearts

Holy sh..it, I am having trouble, with how you are still in there fighting for this marriage. You are a better person than I, I can tell you right now. This site can quite often focus on repair, on reconciliation, but I'm afraid hearing your story....im mad, at him but also at the "people" who, knowing his situation just came & went, like he was some kind of carnival ride. Your pride must be smashed, I really really feel for you. I cant help but put myself(sorry I am a man but I am a decent one) in your shoes & I cant even begin to imagine how angry, disappointed, hurt, & so many other emotions that you must feel right now. What he has done to you, & I'm probably going to be judged badly for saying this, is unforgivable. To have to hide your pain to save face, his face, in the name of saving your daughter being hurt...its going to come out, it has to, therapists, they will tell you to work at it, they get paid by the hour & love people like your Husband, keeps them in business. That's all I can say to you, I'm so sorry that he did all that to you, if you think you can trust him ever again...you are a better person than i.

2 Hearts

@ifonlyinew You will not be judged badly for saying the truth. I agree, this seems like one of those situations where there is no coming back as far a trust. I can barely cope with the 2 affairs my wife admitted to. I can’t imagine haviing to drag all of this out of someone who says they love you. @dmc0714 Your husband needs to be in deep individual therapy. I am not saying he isn’t salvageable as a human being, I am saying that divine intervention needs to bring him to it and for you to heal from it. I will pray for you both.

I may be criticized as well. But who knows how many countless women AND men? The HARDEST yet BEST thing to do is leave. There ARE good people out there who DON'T cheat. Eventually, when you're ready. When you've healed a lot from this. I'm a non-violent, passive, smallish woman, but even I want beat his a$$! Many, many hugs & love to you.

@ifonlyinew women do it too & are just as culpable. Again, so sorry this is happening.

I don't know how your are surviving through this. With so many infidelities I would also say that you should leave however I always said that I would leave if H had an affair but I didn't. H has had 3 affairs and I am still here trying to make it work. I have also wished that I had never met H and am angry at him too for not being honest about who is was when we met. If he had been honest I could have moved on and found some one else that may have given me better. I feel like my life with him has been fake. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but keep posting. People on this site have been extremely helpful.

Thank you to everyone for understanding my need to vent some of this out. Of the 3 people who know the truth, one of them is my mother and I can't talk to her about all this anger and grief and pain because then all she wants to do is kill my H and that doesn't help anything. Another is my step-sister who lives about 900 miles away so our conversations are obviously not as often as I would like - plus she has her own issues and I have sensed several times that talking to her too much about this puts her in a "down" frame of mind and depresses her so I try not to "dump" my mess on her completely when we do find time to talk. The 3rd person who knows is my sister in law (married to my H's brother) and the only reason she knows is because about 6 years ago she found out that her H (yes my H's brother) had been having an affair for 4+ years with an old high school girlfriend. Unfortunately for her, she understandably flipped out when she first found out, but once things calmed down a bit she definitely regretted "everyone" knowing. I know that's a part of why I have been so careful NOT to reveal the truth to very many people, because I saw first hand what my sister in law went through, but the main reason for me has been to protect my daughter. Overall she has had a good relationship with her father and I don't want to take that away from her. My own father was an alcoholic and the best thing he ever did for me was to get out and stay out of my life. My H, even with all his faults, has been a good father to our daughter and although he DEFINITELY deserves to have that relationship and everything else "good" in his life taken away from him as punishment for being such a disloyal dishonorable lying a-hole, my hands are tied because while I have absolutely NO PROBLEM hurting him, I REFUSE to hurt our daughter just because he's an idiot.
Many of you also commented that you can't understand how I can still be trying to work things out with this man and I must admit, I often wonder the same thing, but I can assure you all I have NOT stayed and tried to work this out solely for the sake of our daughter. She knows we've been having problems and working on our marriage, so I'm sure if we divorced we could do it and she would never have to know all the disgusting details of what he's done and how much he has betrayed me.
After reading many of your comments I also realized that I may not have explained our back story adequately last night but I think I did mention that we've had a lot of loss in our lives over the last 15+ years and especially during the last 8 or so years. And predictably, from what I've been able to piece together from phone records and bashing my head against the wall to try to figure out how this could have happened and been going on for SO LONG with me not having a clue, it seems that this all started around that same time, about 8 years ago. And that's another thing that REALLY bothers me about my H's claims that he "doesn't remember" when all this started - it's like another huge slap in the face that our marriage meant so little to him that he doesn't remember when the first time he "fully" cheated was (i.e. went beyond the "friendship" and was physically intimate with one of the wh___s). That definitely does NOT make a wife feel very special to say the least. Anyway, re: the "back story", we had one family tragedy after another and frankly, after all the years of his moodiness and verbal abuse (at that point we had been together for about 17-18 years), when the tragedies just kept coming I didn't handle it very well. With each thing that happened I became a little more depressed, a little more withdrawn, and after our therapy sessions (after DD), I now believe that at that time he honestly did not realize just how badly I was struggling to keep my head above water emotionally and mentally. We only did therapy for about 6 months following DD but we both did learn quite a lot about ourselves and each other and my H is truly trying to save "us". One of the biggest things I learned during therapy is that I am apparently a rather rare person who not only self-reflects on my life a LOT more than many people do, I'm also much more empathetic to others - i.e. I very often am able to "put myself in someone else's shoes". The other big thing I learned during therapy is that my H does NOT do either of these. So during the hard times I was able to really understand what my H was going through - my mistake was assuming that my H was able to self-reflect and empathize like I did. I've never been to a therapist before DD so all of this came as news to me - I guess I just figured that everyone probably self-reflected and empathized as I did and was actually quite surprised when our therapist said that most do not. Whether this is true or not re: the general public is really a moot issue - the point is, while I was trying to survive one tragedy after another while dealing with a H whom I was SURE needed medication that he had steadfastly REFUSED the entire time I'd known him, my H was lost in his own head and apparently had no inkling of the pain that I was in. All I knew was that my marriage had become hopeless because I could NOT deal with his moods and anger anymore so I retreated into my own little world at home and tried to stay out of his way and then with each tragedy I retreated even further and then the depression started and I was stuck. Meanwhile, he has no true sense of how bad his moods and anger are to live with so he's wondering all the time why I no longer want anything to do with him, why I do anything I can to arrange it so that we don't even go on vacation together anymore, why I sat every evening and read novels and did scrapbooking and anything else I could think of to keep myself occupied but out of his path. So his explanation of the cheating is that he wasn't looking for it, it just happened, the wh___s saw that he seemed sad and started talking to him and complimenting him and "caring" about him and after several months of this one of them made him an "offer" and he "accepted". He claims he felt horrible and guilty after and swore to himself it would never happen again but then weeks or months would go by and our home situation wouldn't change and he'd get so down again and then there they were, caring and complimenting and "being there" for him, and so he'd cheat again and then feel horrible and guilty all over again and then a few months later he'd be back with them - you get the idea of what a never-ending circle this was. Meanwhile, I'm at home getting more and more depressed and thinking that maybe I should just leave him, but I didn't want to do that to our daughter who at the time was just starting high school so I stayed and each day I just kept pushing myself to make it through another day and then another and another. I remember one day, actually about 3-4 years BEFORE my H started cheating and at least 9 years before DD, my boss asked me why I never smiled - I said "what is there to smile about?" and I remember he was shocked, he actually stopped and kind of recoiled from me and asked if that was really how I felt and when I said yes, he said that was a sad way to live. I've never forgotten that because I know that was right around the time I first started thinking I should leave my H. I even considered having an affair, anything to find some bit of happiness for myself, but I remember consciously thinking to myself, "Nobody deserves that - to be "left" by their partner without even knowing the partner is gone - that's just wrong and I will leave him before I do something that cruel". Hah!!! If I'd only known then what I know now??? So the wh___s apparently lined up for my H ( I say that because most of them even knew each other and when I/he "talked" to them after DD they didn't seem concerned at ALL that they'd been sharing him with each other) and as one of the wh____s so eloquently put it "But then sometimes weeks or months would go by and we wouldn't do anything because you were being faithful to your wife" - what is WRONG with these parasites??? I'm sorry, I've never considered myself a prude and I'm not a particularly religious person but to me, marriage means commitment and promises and once you break any of those the "marriage" is gone - you can't just pick and choose a-la-carte when and how you want to be faithful to your spouse!!! That's the one thing I can't understand about all of this I think - is how I've "talked" to the wh___s and found out SO MANY horrible details and yet I've prevented myself from getting revenge on them - but sometimes I just get so mad I want to meet them face to face and just beat the crap out of them. And I know, I knew even before our therapist cautioned me about it, that confronting them will do absolutely NO good because they ARE parasites and they truly don't believe and never will believe that they've done ANYTHING wrong. None of that would really help me anyway in the long run I know - the one thing I really want and can never have again is my life back. It was taken away/given away without my consent nor my knowledge and now I'm stuck picking up the pieces. Many of you also said you were amazed that I'm still here trying - that's a complicated thing, but the only way I can explain it is this: #1, I REFUSE to let those wh___s and my H's stupidity take anything more from me and #2, for me it just came down to one question - am I happier WITH my H or without my H? Because the time where it was all about HIM is gone - it's all about ME now. And that's what I told him when he first admitted to the first thing I caught him with after the "inappropriate texts" with my cousin - he was sobbing and completely ashamed and begging me to forgive him and I told him I would try to work this out with him but that I didn't think I would EVER be able to forgive him but if he wanted to try I would stay and try - but from now on he was going to see the REAL me and if he didn't like it he could leave anytime because I'm done putting up with his bs. And another in the long list of the saddest things about all of this is that I wanted to build the new house because I hoped that somehow that might make things better, we might finally be happy, and I remember Pink came out with a song called "Just Give Me A Reason" around that time and the song says "Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough, just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again". Every time I heard it I thought of "us" and hoped that's what we were - just bent and not broken - and on DD, when I'd found the evidence but was hours away from being able to confront him about it I remember driving out into the country and crying and thinking "well, I guess that was just a false hope now wasn't it? Looks like we're VERY broken." And that's the worst part - here I am, 15 months AFTER DD, and I'm still just as heartbroken as I was each time he revealed a little more of the truth and a little more and a little more. And I still love the **** but I no longer respect or admire or have any regard left for him at all. And trust? No no no no no - that's NEVER going to happen again - for SURE never again with him and probably never again with ANYONE. I even think that way about strangers now - I go to get groceries and if I see a "couple" all I can think is "well, I wonder who's cheating on who or if they're both cheating?" I know that's a cynical and sad way to be but I didn't trust "people" in general BEFORE this nightmare, so that I don't trust ANYONE now is not really a surprise I guess.

ifonlyinew: please be assured that I am reading ALL of the comments on this site with "a grain of salt" as the old saying goes, and I am already so angry and hurt that nobody's comments can really increase any of my emotions one way or another. And I do think the comments I am getting on this site are helpful to me because I TRULY have nobody to talk to about any of this except my H and that is obviously not enough. It's all swirling around in my head almost all the time - I even wake up often with an aching jaw from clenching it all during the night. So please everyone keep giving me your thoughts on this because I have been over and over and over it SO MANY times now that I sometimes don't even know WHAT to think anymore, you know? This has all been especially painful for me because I have always prided myself on being an honest and fair person and have always tried (despite my first instincts) I have always tried to give people, even strangers, the benefit of the doubt and I feel like all of that was totally for naught. It's like, if I've pushed myself all these years to be a generally "good" person and THIS is the thanks I get then really, what's the point? But it does help me to hear others' stories and to realize that I'm NOT alone and that my H is NOT the only a__hole out there!

1 Heart

Thank you for confiding that story and if I'm understanding your point correctly I believe in my situation with my H that he IS remorseful and that he HAS changed - but I honestly do not see that I will ever be able to trust my H again and I have always been the kind of person for whom trust is a MAJOR issue. So I hear what you're saying and I DO believe that my H has learned and grown a great deal from this experience - however, I strongly believe in the adage of "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" and therefore I just can NOT see myself ever truly trusting him again. That being said, I am now 46 and was only 20 when I met my H, so my "dating" years were not many in comparison to some people I guess but even in a few short years I managed to make my share of mistakes as well. Cheating was one of those mistakes and although this in no way excuses what I did back then, I must say that mine were very unusual circumstances. I had fallen head over heels for a guy and had dated him for a year and during that time I became friends with another guy whom I and nearly everyone else who knew him all thought for sure must be gay. Having a brother who was gay I didn't really care either way because this guy was my friend and I did not hold his sexual orientation against him any more than I would reject a non-caucasian person strictly for their nationality. Oddly enough, though, during that year when I was dating the boyfriend, the friend always seemed to be jealous of any time I spent with the BF, to the point where any time he knew I was at the BF's house my friend would drive up and down the street and rev his engine repeatedly. When my BF suddenly broke up with me to go out with the school tramp I was understandably shattered and my friend was predictably there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. The next thing I knew my friend asked me to go to prom with him and I said yes because I really wanted to go and didn't think twice about it until a few days later, when it occurred to me that I didn't really understand what was going on. Here was this guy that I had honestly believed was gay for the entire year or so that I'd known him and suddenly he was acting "romantically" towards me. At 16-17 yrs old I was incredibly naive and VERY insecure and had never had a decent relationship with any male aside from my Grandfather, so this was all extremely confusing to me. Anyway, we attended prom and sort of began "dating" after that but within a short time, maybe a week or so? (can't really remember now-this was all a very long time ago lol) anyway, sometime soon after prom I ended up going to see the ex BF and the friend that I was now dating just happened to drive by and "caught" me with the ex. I remember the look on my friend's face as he drove away from me that day and I was so ashamed and embarrassed and mortified at how badly I had behaved. Of course, little did I know that my "friend" would pay me back in spades be dragging me through hell and back during his journey in coming to terms with the fact that he IS gay and that it is NOT something a person can just deny and therefore make it NOT so. After another couple of years of my "friend" constantly telling me how much he loved me and then in the next breath or next day or whatever he would act as if he couldn't stand me, ridicule my clothes, my weight, my hair, my face, you name it. I can remember one evening I was standing in my bathroom, I was about 18 at the time I think, and my mom walked by and saw me crying while I was trying to do my hair and makeup to go out for the evening. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I hated everything about myself, that I must be the most hideous person in the world for my friend to be treating me the way he did and rejecting me in every way, as a friend, lover, even as a person, but yet coming back and pulling my chain the other way and telling me how much he loved me (i.e. keeping me on the hook so he could torture me further - of course, it took me YEARS to figure all of this out - at the time all I knew was that I was a complete failure and felt like I just didn't have anything to offer anyone - if my friend didn't want me then I must be a total piece of sh_t, right?) So I guess to say that I have never had a good track record with men would be an understatement based on the story I just related - I have others from my dating years but I can assure you without boring you with the details that I was almost always on the "losing" end of any relationship I was in. I only ever broke up with 2 guys and both of those I talked to them in person and just explained that there was no "spark" for me, etc etc - conversely, every guy I ever dated OTHER than those 2 ended up breaking up with me, and aside from TWO guys, ALL of them "ended" the relationship by just disappearing on me, never calling again, not returning my calls, no explanation, nothing - just gone. My point is, my history with men was always terrible - and then I met my H and he doted on me and treated me like I was everything in the world to him and I was head over heels for him from the first moment I met him. So much so that when I found evidence of a lunch time quickie when we were dating I gave him the benefit of the doubt that this was something that happened before he and I were "officially" together. And now here I am, 25 years of marriage later, and I'm so miserable that sometimes I just don't even have the energy or mental/emotional strength to get out of bed in the morning. And what's worse, my H is 10 years older than me and was married for 8 years before we met and his ex wife somewhere along the way decided she didn't love him anymore, wasn't sure that she had ever loved him, and decided that she liked women instead of men. So his ex wife was a closet lesbian, my longest relationship prior to my H was gay and refused to accept it - seems like my H and I were a match made in Heaven, right? And that's one of the things I kept saying to him on and just after DD - "You have NO idea how bad this hurts" and his response only made me angrier - he said, "yeah I DO know how bad this is, remember my ex wife who was cheating on me with women?" Well I'm sorry, but to me, an ex-wife whom you were only with for 8+ years and whom you had NO children with and who was apparently so bad that you enlisted in the Army to escape her (or at the very least didn't care enough about her to NOT enlist in the Army and leave her at home 700 miles away) - to me that just doesn't compare to being married for 15+ years and having a child together (it was 15+ years at the time I believe he STARTED cheating on me - then 8 years of cheating and now one year of "after DD". But again, I digress - my point is that Yes, I too technically cheated on someone once - ONCE - and after experiencing the guilt of being the cheater that one time and then the other side of the coin of being cheated on myself by practically every one I ever dated I can't say I didn't consider cheating on my H when things really got bad in our marriage, but I rejected the idea almost immediately as a indisputably forbidden thing to do. In my eyes, cheating is essentially "leaving" your partner (emotionally, physically, mentally, all of the above or even if only one or some of the above, it doesn't matter) cheating is "leaving" your partner without even telling them that you're leaving. It's just a cowardly and nasty way to treat someone. And when I asked my husband WHY for heaven's sake, instead of talking to all of these wh__res about me and our marriage issues and how unhappy he was, WHY didn't he at least ONCE even TRY to talk to me? His answer was that he's not afraid of many things but he was "afraid" of talking to me because he was afraid that if we started talking about the problems in our relationship that "we" would be over. Of course my response to that was a very sarcastic " And just what did you think f__cking all these wh__res was going to do to improve our marriage?" His response was "Oh well I didn't think of it that way, didn't think that far ahead, blah blah blah". Sorry for all that - sometimes I get on a roll, on a "rant", and I just can't seem to stop myself. When I think of the LIES he told these wh__res about me and about our relationship - that he had proof that I was cheating on him, had pictures and videos for god's sake - that we NEVER had sex anymore - oh the list goes on and on. And not just to the wh__res, he also contacted one of my friends and told HER these lies - and my cousin of course - but did either of these people let me in on any of this? NOOOO, of course not - and YES, they are BOTH off my "friends" list forever now. So you see, the betrayals are so numerous that sometimes I just don't know which one to even focus on. None of this even touches on my current worries that my H is either secretly gay or bisexual and what confirmation of THAT suspicion will do to my now non-existent ego and self esteem, especially in light of the horrible experience I had with my friend in high school which went on for 2-3 years. And like all the lies my H kept telling me from the first DD and on through the entire 2-3 week period of his "trickling truths" (oure agony for me I can assure you), I kept pushing and pushing for answers bcuz I heard his oaths that there was nothing more that he was hiding but in my gut I KNEW there was more, that his bs answers just didn't quite make sense and that he had to be hiding something more - and each time I pushed I got a little more info. But on the thing with the guys, he just clams up completely and all he will say is that he has no explanation for that - it was just another instance of completely disgusting and irrational behavior on his part and that he just got so caught up in this "other" person that he had become that he couldn't seem to stop himself. And god help me I even flat out asked him if he did anything more than oral with these men - at first he swore that it was just one guy and the guy pursued him relentlessly, stalking him on FB, etc etc and that the oral sex was all performed by the guy, that my H didn't DO anything. Then I pushed some more and eventually he admitted that he did try oral on the guy once but didn't like it; then I pushed some more and eventually he admitted that there was one other guy there one time but that guy REALLY creeped him out so that was just a one-time thing. Please, as a man, if you have ANY insight as to why a macho, burly he-man type who has always seemed appropriately homophobic for a heterosexual male would suddenly or even gradually allow himself to be "coerced" into doing ANYTHING sexual with another man? On DD when the beginnings of this thing with the "one guy" was revealed I even told my H "I would have never dreamed in a million years that you'd do something like this. I'd have thought that any guy who even suggested something like this to you would be choking on his own blood before he could even finish his sentence?" and my H's response? He said "Yeah, I always thought so too". Please please please if you have ANY insight or thoughts on this please let me know because this has haunted me for over 15 months now and I just can't stand it anymore. I don't know if my fears about the possibility of my H secretly being gay or bi are justified or if I'm just paranoid because of my HS experience or what? I'm a reasonable person, or at least I THINK I am, but I honestly just don't understand what it is about BJs that would make a "regular" man go for something like this? And I don't mean to be crude, but it's not as if my H's desire for that particular "act" wasn't being met at home and from what I've found out, also by his female wh__res, so why on earth would he go to a guy for this?

ifonlyinew - you are right of course - in the end it doesn't matter so much who your SO/Spouse cheats WITH - the fact of the cheating alone is problem and issue enough. I think I'm "stuck" on this issue of what my H was doing with these men partly because of my horrific experience with my friend/bf in high school - I am honestly not sure I can handle it if I find out my H is secretly gay too, you know? And yes, I know I would HAVE to handle it if that turns out to be the case - like everything else my H has done in all of these betrayals, I have NO choice in the matter - he and his wh__res have taken even that away from me. I guess what I mean is that BECAUSE of what I went through all those years ago it will be just that much MORE difficult for me to handle a similar thing happening to me a SECOND time - almost as if I'm cursed or something I think. I can't tell you how much I wish my brother were still alive - he was gay and could have given me some insight into this situation I think, knowing both the gay "mind" AND my H, but as luck would have it of course he died before I ever even knew this might be an issue with my H, so no chance to discuss any of this with my brother. And as far as it being the same whether my H cheated with a man or woman is really not the case, at least for me - to me, obviously neither is "OK" at all, but somehow being a woman and having your SO cheat with another man just strips whatever shred of self esteem or self confidence a wife MIGHT have remaining after learning of such betrayal(s) you know? In my head I know that if a man is gay that no woman will ever be enough to persuade him to like women instead of men - but my ego and self esteem don't seem to give that truth much weight and I fear that if this IS the case now with my H that the total destruction of "me" that I experienced in high school will seem like a drop in the bucket compared to how the same thing happening AGAIN with my H of 25 years and what that will do to me in my heart and soul. All I know for sure right now is that my "women's intuition" has guided me pretty accurately through this entire nightmare of prying the truth out of my H, it's been right on the money when it kept telling me to keep pushing and pushing for the truth - and it's been screaming at me for 15 months now and I've been basically tamping it down by telling myself that it doesn't matter in the end, cheating in any sense is the betrayal, not so much the who or why of it - but I know I've only been fooling myself with all those dismissive thoughts because this IS very much an issue for me and one I know I will not rest easy about until I feel sure I've gotten the real truth from my H. I've learned first hand throughout this nightmare how much more devastating it can be to find out TOO many details but in this case it's just not something I can ignore and go on living with the doubts and insecurities that this issue leaves open. In other words, I've tried now for 15+ months to tell myself to let it go, I ALREADY know WAY too many details to ever be able to sleep peacefully again, but I just can't drop it. Even though I'm about 80% sure even now that once I know the "rest of the truth" I may truly regret having that knowledge I still just can't seem to let the questions go. I think in one of your earliest posts you indicated that you didn't know for sure whether your SO had cheated on you or not - If I'm remembering that correctly and that IS the case for you then please know that I am amazed and mystified at your ability to live with that uncertainty. I honestly don't know how you are making it through each day with those questions nagging at you and getting no answers? In any event, thank you for responding to my long long LONG rant last evening - I seem to get worse about that the more tired I am and especially the more I've been able to "vent" on this site, but although it is terribly painful thinking and talking about all of this I DO believe the end result is VERY therapeutic for me - I do feel as if a great deal of weight has been lifted from me after having "spilled my guts" on this site - just having feedback from others that assures me I am not alone in my nightmare is a comfort in many ways. Don't get me wrong - I don't mean that I'm glad that others are having to go through this kind of pain, but I am glad that if they are already going through it anyway, at least this site allows us to vent and commiserate with each other so that we don't feel so alone. Especially in my case, having literally nobody in IRL that I can discuss this with, this site is truly a lifesaver for me. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and insights and for letting me "dump" some of this horrible anger and frustration and pain and I wish only the best for all of you.

@dmc0714 The truth sets everyone free. That’s what I pursued and I believe that’s what you are pursuing. Once you have it though which you might already and not know it. Then you have to begin processing it in order to lay it to rest. The way I worded that to my husband was - I’m not going to bury something that might still be alive so just help me beat this dead horse again one more time. IMO it power washes the wound so that it can heal cleanly.

JCAL - right, I think you're exactly right on all of that - it doesn't matter so much if everyone knows if you're splitting up I guess except if the kids get wind of the details and are hurt by that - but if you're staying together or even TRYING to stay together then it's probably best that few ppl know bcuz they WILL have a hard time treating him "normally". I know this first hand from what my H's brother put his wife through - about 6 years ago she found out that he'd been having an affair with an old HS sweetheart for 4 years and before she could even think it through she was so upset she'd pretty much told everyone. So now anytime we all get together for family events you can just feel the underlying tensions. And my daughter won't have anything to do with her uncle anymore, which is yet another reason I know she is not mature enough right now to handle this. Her uncle was miserable in his marriage and his wife wouldn't let him touch her and he sought comfort elsewhere - I didn't condone it then BEFORE I knew about my own H's cheating (brothers btw), and I certainly don't now after my own DD, but my daughter actually calls her uncle a pervert and says that she can't even stand to look at him anymore. She's just already lost too much in her young life, too many people too early, and I honestly fear for what this info would do to her. Like I said, I wouldn't mind hurting my H, getting a little revenge, by telling everyone, and the bonus of not having to be so careful to hide it all the time, but neither my H nor his wandering body parts are my main concern - like you, my primary concern is and always will be my child and if I have to suffer in silence to protect her then that's just the way it will have to be. And yes, I think you are also right that friends and family have a hard time understanding that you're trying to save the marriage after cheating so they might not be much help to you in that regard anyway, the ones who haven't gone through something like this at least. :)

1 Heart

Emotional for me. Well considering that he didn't consider it physical... How am I suppose to?

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity