Hello, I am interested to hear from any victims of a person who had NPD. My brother has been with a woman for 15 years who I strongly believe has this disorder. He & I were so close now we haven't spoken for over 2 years. I believe she was jealous & insecure of our relationship & has spent these years turning him against me. It's now got to the point where he has sent me awful messages & telling me to f....off & stay out of his life. His only reasoning is because I don't like her. I am wondering how you feel when in the relationship. Does he actually hate me or is he just obeying her commands? He doesn't think for himself anymore, she decides and controls everything. I have read that the real person is still inside, they create a pseudo personality whilst suffering the abuse. I am struggling to understand how he can have so much hatred toward me, just because of her. I am quite certain she's used the gas lighting technique to get him to obey. I cannot fathom why he still supports her so very strong. Everything she does & says is right. She lies through her back teeth & he knows it, but anytime you prove something to him he won't acknowledge it. I know this is his journey, but it's hurting me so much. Not only the loss of him in my life, but I am so saddened that he has had to endure this as his loving relationship. It's very sad & tremendously hurtful. I have come to the conclusion that we most likely won't ever talk again. I can't see things changing, but I just want some insight into what's going on in his head? Also I would like to know if you are no longer a victim, what made you come to your senses? He has a 13yo, 11yo & 9yo children. Is this what would be holding him there? Any advice or understanding would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks :)
What an awful and sad situation, Linique. From what you say you may indeed be right. Narcs do brainwash their victims and create their own substitute realities, using conditioning to convince their victims to embrace those lies. It's similar to Stockholm Syndrome, where victims resist rescue and side with their abusers. I'm sure you've accepted that there's nothing you can do to change your brother's mind, and that's true--don't beat your head against that wall, it will only add more stress to your life. All you can do is let him know you still love him and want the best for him, and leave it at that, so if he does wake up, he knows he can turn to you. To answer your question, in his head for a number of reasons he clings to the conviction that he must stay with his wife no matter what. The children are not really a factor here, probably, although if he's ever considered divorce, he definitely would worry about losing some custody of them. I just imagine that he's not thinking about divorce, because he's completely in thrall to her. What finally gets narc victims to "see the light" varies. Oftentimes--possibly the majority of times--nothing changes until the narc him/herself decides for some reason to move on and dumps the victim. For others, there may be an event when the narc takes the abuse too far even for the trained victim to accept. Examples would be cheating, abusing the children to an extreme, or simply being more cruel than the victim is used to. Something happens that reveals to the victim that the narc truly doesn't have their interests at heart, and then they see that has actually been the case all along. It can be very hard for some to "hold that thought" though, and a wary narc will turn really nice quickly and reel them back in. If your brother should ever confess to you the slightest concern or doubt (but not before!), you could share with him how NPD works. But doing that now will only drive the wedge between you deeper. I'm so sorry both for him and for you in this terrible situation. I do think that on some level he still loves you, he is just being careful not to face those emotions, lest they threaten his status quo with his wife. So please comfort yourself with that small hope anyway!
Thanks for your reply @tabbylady. From what I had read I already knew this. It is very an extremely hard & traumatic situation. It is hard for me to let him know I still love him, although I did last say to him I will be here for him when he want s a friendship with me. His response was that would never happen. I think she is the master of manipulation. You will know the story so it's not worth speaking of her. I cannot fathom how I can lose someone out of my life like this, it's pure evil. I find it's harder than losing someone through death, at least we would still part as friends. To have him believe that I am the enemy & she is only do everything for his best interests is very hard to accept. I have told myself that there is nothing I can do & I need to focus on my life, but I struggle to understand this is final. We were a very, very close family, now there is a very large hole it in, as he has removed himself from any family functions. I will survive with my broken heart, but I don't think I will ever fully comprehend what has happened. It's truly tragic. Again, thanks for your reply :)
Thanks @tabbylady :) xx