Hello .
I want to tell you my story .
I remember when I reached puberty when I was 12 years old boy . I used to have only heterosexual fantasies . then two years later I started to have both homosexual and heterosexual fantasies . But never had any emotions towards guys and never had desire to have sex with any man that exist in reality , despite of women whom I've had both emotional and sexual desire towards them in real life . by time , my homosexual fantasies decreased so much till a point in which I forgot them and couldn't think about them .
I've had sex with many girls and enjoyed it every time till two months later when the disaster came on .
I was in a hard psychological situation under work and study pressure .
I saw one of my closest friends in bad mood and we had a talk in which he confessed to me that he is gay and he was afraid to tell me that because he thinks that I would change my treatment to him as a friend because we are in the middle east where gay rights things aren't so common and usually refused by society . But I wasn't like that theoretically at least .
When I heard that from him , at first I didn't accept it and felt something weird , but after thinking of it that it's something normal and it's a human right I accepted it and I told him that there will be no problem about it and he'll always be one of my best friends . two days later I visited him and we started to talk about homosexuality in my city , he mentioned to me so many names of people I know who are also gays . the next day a thought started coming to me "if my friend and all these people were gay , could I be also gay ? " then hell started .
I have been in relationship with a girl that I love so much for about 9 month. I started to think that I may be gay , in next two day I had a lack of desire , then my old homosexual fantasies came back to me and I couldn't think of any think else . this thing kept on for a whole month , then I discovered that there is something Called HOCD . I understood that real gay guys aren't ashamed or bothered by their sexual desires or fantasies , and are content with being gay despite of HOCD who don't feel good with it .
I know that to cure OCD It's supposed to have a therapist to work with . but I live in Syria where the Psychiatrists are mostly people who just want to sell you drugs and medicine , there are no good doctors here .
I would be pleased if you give me any type of opinions about my case .
and thanks :)