Hello i'm new

my name is sarah. i've been in abusive relationships my whole life. my dad is mainly emotionally abusive, but only when he's stressed. he threw stuff at me and tried to hit me once. but it doesn't help that he calls me a ***** constantly because i'm bisexual, and he tells me how worthless i am. i've had friends hit me since i was a kid. my first boyfriend beat me up and raped me. i just got out of a very abusive 2 year relationship, and he's still torturing me. i have ptsd and i'm very depressed and TERRIFIED of people. i have no one to talk to because no one gets how horrible abuse is. my last boyfriend wouldn't let me eat. like would hide food from me and take food away from me. and if i found something to eat, he'd tell me how fat i am.(i'm 105 pounds.) he pushed me down stairs and i had bruises all over my legs. i thought he was going to kill me. i am so miserable i don't even know what to do with myself. everyone loves my ex. i feel so trapped.

Hi Sarah,
I am new here also. You came to the rite place if you need people to talk to there are allot of people here who do understand how bad abuse is. I went through it with my step dad, and I have dated women who had been abused by men previously. To start I am glad you are not seeing your ex anymore. Let me be the first to say I don't love your ex. I have no respect for people who abuse women! I hope that you pressed charges when he pushed you down the stairs.

Have you ever got any help such as counseling before?

Ed

thanks, ed. i did not press charges. his parents begged me to, but i loved him. his parents saw it so they were really upset and basically took care of me and kept telling me to get away from him. he actually ended up dumping me. i'm sorry about your step dad.

i am seeing a family therapist. i like her a lot, but she is just a basic therapist who isn't specialized in ptsd. i'm on pills for nightmares and flashbacks though, i got on them after i was raped. but being pushed down the stairs kinda messed everything up again, so i'm having on and off nightmares, depression, and a lot of anxiety.

You need an inpatient setting to help you deal with all these abusive relationships and see that you can be happy on your own. Your father may have started the cycle. He neglected you emotionally. Then every man that you were attracted to was like him. You would try to “help” them and they would abuse you for trying to change them. These men you have been in relationships with seem to all come from broken families where one or both parents abused them (usually its a dysfunctional mother) they then focus their hate on you to make up for their mothers. They all need counseling but you can only help yourself right now. Take care of you. See if your doctor can admit you. It is not that you are crazy but you need to heal without the abusive men knowing where you are and not allowing them access to you. Inpatient counseling will help you figure out how to spot these men and deal with them appropriately so as not to allow you to be hurt. Good luck and God Bless.

There are no therapists who specialize in PTSD to my knowledge. Your family therapist should be able to help you with this. What is important is that you are honest with her. Does she know he is still coming to your window? I would close and lock it and pull down the shade.

I have PTSD also from when I went to NY City on 9-11. I was an emergency medical technician so I went there on my own from western NY after the mayor of NYC asked for medical help that morning. Luckily my PTSD went away gradually over about a 3 year period. I could not watch movies with any violence at all in them.

Hello sweet Sarah,your e-mail has me in tears for your pain.I also feel the need to give you a giant virtual hug.
I want to protect you in the pure light of Gods love.
Sarah you have been abused all your life.You keep picking what you know.As scared as you are in your situation,you feel the world of rejection is far scarier than leaving your current situation.
This is what your abusers count on.Yes the world is scary,and full of people who have been abused,angry,miserable,and sadistic.Yet there are people who are kind hearted,loving,and want to help you.Pleaseeeee reach out and seek help from a counselor,friend,or domestic abuse crisis center.YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
May God protect you and keep you.May an angel of mercy find you.May you gather the courage to get out...and to know you are valuable and precious in Gods eyes.
Blessings,-T

Very well said DomesticDiva19.

I have learned over time through my own trial and errors that is far better to not be in a relationship then it is to be in a bad relationship.

You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, cares about you, would never hit you or abuse you emotionally. That is what a real love is.

Hope you have a good day,
Ed

thank you, domesticdiva. i'm not with anyone right now. i want to be but i also don't want to be. i'm like...scared of being with someone and scared of being alone at the same time. which is weird. i don't know what i want. i agree, ed. i have been a little better since i've been single. just besides dealing with the ptsd everything is better. i'm just lonely. he's been turning my friends against me too, but i'm pretty sure i'm going to press charges. i'm looking for people to back me up right now.

Crap i lost my response and had to start over again. Domestic diva is exactly right. I am angry at your parents they should be supporting you and they are NOT. Regardless of what others think you know what is right so I would suggest you press charges(his own parents are with you on that).
I know how you feel I was also abused all my life its painful. I wish I could HUG you because I feel your pain I do. you will suffer with this for along time if you let him get away with it. my ex also turned friends against me thats what abusers do they manipulate and other people fall for their false charm.
He will continue to abuse.
I know you feel alone I understand because I do sometimes too. I understand exactly what you say when you would like to be in a relationship but don't want to be at the same time.
I would contact a crisis centre or a womens shelter I did and they have helped me so much. I got some great advice from the womens shelter. Please do that I knwo you feel like you should listen to your parents but they are wrong. Please make a call and keep us updated.
if your dad kicks you out which is what you said you were afraid of in your other post the womens shelter is a good place to go and you may be makeing a huge statement to your parents and make them realize that they are wrong and then they may start to be more supportive.

HUGS♥
Grace

thank you so much, grace. it's good to hear people who understand for once. i'm going to call my local women's shelter tomorrow. we have one very close to me so it will be super easy. my mom's all for it, it's just my dad that's the problem. they have free counseling, i'll probably go to that. i'm just staying strong for now and considering pressing charges on my last boyfriend. my friends don't think i should, i wish they'd be supportive. i have one supportive friend, so i'm just going to do what's best for me and for the most people involved, as in his family and my family. i hate making decisions like this, especially when so many people love him.

Sarah

my ex everyone loved him also ..they are so good at turning on the charm to others. They like attention. They know how to decieve other people around us which makes it hard for those others to believe that the person we know is controling and abusive. It has taken me along time to see the abuse in my relationship BUT now I do see it and well once you name it as abuse you just can't stay in it right becuse then your saying its ok to abuse. well its not..and these guys will continue in that cycle. I suggest you check out the power and control wheel Google it. It really opened my eyes.
once you start to take steps against him just be careful because it makes them do stupid crazy things. It makes them angry because your takeing control away from them.
you are doing the right thing even if others around you don't think so. They haven't lived in your shoes and if they had im sure they would be on the same page with you to fight against it.
It is scarey but there is people out that that understand in your community and they want to help..the womens shelter is a great start. your dad well my dad says and does things that I don't agree with but I am my own person and I have to do what i think and feel is right for me and in time your dad may see that he is in the wrong.

Power to you sarah you are Fully supported here..you are doing the right thing.

Love Grace

i just want to add that some old friends of mine were not supportive as well and he manipulated them and turned them against me..so I told them to stay out of it . it was hard but I know I had to.You know in your heart whats right go with your gut.

Sarah as Grace mentioned these types of people do bring on the charm at first & yes everyone else only sees the nice/helpful/attentive side & usually only infront of other people for their own self gratification, makes me want to throw up, one can only have faith that "what goes around comes around" & it does. Would be wise to focus on you for a while & learn more from within so you dont repeat & meet up w/this type of person again. Thats what I had to do & yes its gotten lonely but I'm very aware of how vulnerable I am & that would be even riskier to met someone right now. We're all here for you honey.

All my strengths.

April

My concern is that you get him out of your life so you can heal and move on! You love an abusive man because you were abused. If you need to go to a shelter to feel safe and for counseling then you should. At the least I suggest an order of protection.

God Bless,
Ed

Sarah

I have been thinking of you after reading all of what you shared. Please keep us updated with whats going on with you.

Keep yourself safe and stand up to abuse..its wrong and needs to be stopped.

Sarah,All of the above is true.I have been away from my ex for 7 years and most everyone by now knows it wasn't me. We live in a small town,he slandered my name, tried to shoot me on and on and on but when it came down to it although I have been depressed a long time, I did not want to die at his hand the last battle was for my life and my self esteem and I won. I am free. He found someone else to terrorize. BE SAFE< BE ALERT< be calm and do what you have to do
Peace

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse