Hello. My name is Helen. I am 17 years old and I suffer with

Hello. My name is Helen. I am 17 years old and I suffer with chronic depression. I feel depressed. I feel suicidal and I feel like it's ridiculous to talk about it because I don't want people to think I'm being selfish or pathetic for thinking about Suicide. I just want to vent and hope I can stop self harming. I've spoken to a suicide hotline texting and she told me to come her. I'm hoping it can change..

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I'm here for u and if u need to talk I will listen without judgement!! I'm going through similar things!!

hey whats going on?

There are very nice people here hope you fins what you are looking for

Sorry, I just have so my anxiety at the moment. My Name is Helen. My story will probably be very confusing. It's all about my relationship problem that I've suffered for 6 years. I fell deeply in love with a boy name Zack who was from Tennessee (i live in New York) when I was 13. We were online dating ATM on Facebook. We always went up and down in our relationships. But you see, I have wonderful memories with him. How we first met was he messages me on Facebook and we became as friends as first and slowly grew to be in love with each other. We were both meant to be.. I basically grew up with this guy! Our first break up of course was the worst thing ever and I became a little stalker on his Facebook and all to see how he was doing. But every year we would always go back and break up, go back and break up. When we were together I felt so happy with him. I could give everything to him. My heart, my heart and my love. He's a charming guy. He's wonderful. 2 summers ago, my father wanted to take me to Tennessee and I got so excited that I had to tell Zack about it and we were both so nervous but excited because we can finally meet other for the very first time!! Unfortunately, he lives in Memphis Tennessee near Bartlett. He was too far away.. So everything turned into crap really quickly.. I felt so upset. He felt upset too. But he stayed and we would talk hours about our futures. He'd always bring up that cute embarrassing thing I could always saw when I was 14 about having a future with him and having kids!! (Silly, I know!) but it put a smile on his face.. That's what I loved. A smile on his face.. He has such a cute smile. Seeing him happy makes me happy.. Unfortunately, he would always disappear. One day.. He'll just stop replying to me or stop talking to me in general (we text on Kik). And I'd always fall into huge depression and think about what I did that made him go away.. What did I do wrong? What is something I said?! I didn't know what was going on.. But he's done this every single year for 6 years now.. When he came back last Spring Break it was unexpected. I wanted to say what was going on but I felt like he was just gonna leave again! But I took the risk and asked him. He said "I thought you didn't like me anymore I thought you wanted me out of your life". I guess he said that because since he ignored me for so long I dated a boy in my school and I figured he saw the pictures.. I felt like it was my fault in this situation to I apologized and we went back to our old lovey dovey ways!! I even introduced him to my group of girlfriends on our Kik messages... April 17th, on his birthday!! I wrote him a long long paragraph on how much I love him and all of our memories that we had over the years.. Of course he loved it! But.. That day was ruined when he told me that he's been lying to me for a very long time about his virginity. Don't get me wrong!! I've had s3x way before him (at age 15) with my old drug dealer.. When i told Zack about it he was jealous and heart broken..And when he told me about that I felt what he felt.. I didn't want to sound like a hypocrite or anything so I didn't say anything!! I told him it was okay and that it was fine.. I told him I was sorry but what was I apologizing for? I wasn't thinking so I made that situation be my fault.. He was confused and he told me the story on how he lost it to a girl he loved named Emily who was a state closer.. But how he told me about her seemed like he loves her more than me.. I felt hurt and jealous but I didn't know what to do. He really does love me though and I know it. But how he shows it confuses me.. After that. He disappeared again.. Until a August (my birthday month and my trip to Europe. He came back again. We were in love again..
Unfortunately again we had problems but this time it was for my habits. Me and him smoke Marijuana which isn't so bad... The problem with me? I smoke cigarettes here and there.. I drink with my friends. He'd judge me for it and treats me like I'm the terrible person for it. So I took it all and felt it its my fault once again.. He hates everything I do. He even hates the things I wear like "sexy merchandise" I buy online that's for the laughs.. He didn't find them funny at all and would yell at him for it and make me feel like crap. I sometimes try to joke around with him about my future and stuff and he'd always take it so so seriously.. Like I'd say "ugh i don't know if I'll go to college, I'll probably be a stripper ahaa no i'm too ugly!!" And he'd take that so so seriously and be like what the hell are you doing you're not a lady who does that stop that!!.. I don't know.. When I was leaving to Germany we were talking and I started to talk about suicide and all and he bought up.. "Suicide is for weak people who can't take real life anymore. It's like a rage quit to real life people are so selfish to attempt suicide there's others to care for. Suicide is dumb." And I felt so hurt by that because he knows I'm depressed.. I couldn't take it so I finally told him about my depression and the crap I go through with suicide thoughts and depression.. He blamed me for it.. He blames me and my actions and called me basically.. Pathetic.. And it hurts to hear that from someone you truly love so much.. It really does.. He starts even mentioning my friends but one specially (I have a 15 year old friend who had her kid and I was also raped in the summer.. I was raped 3 times in my life..), he bought up my friend with the baby and about my rape.. He said its the type of friends I have is the reason why I got raped.. He basically blamed it on me.. Everything.. So I believed that it was my fault.. I broke down and cried.. Why did he change so much.. Why does he hurt me emotionally.. How can I make him see that he hurts me.. So when I was in Europe he didn't talk to me as much.. And one day when I was in France I had to tell him how I felt.. And leave with a goodbye. I felt like he didn't love me anymore.. He stopped me, and explained how he felt. He hates my habits, he hates my friends (cause we all smoke and drink) he hates my outfits, he hates the Me that I am this year.. He said if I don't change then we won't work out.. But I have to always remember that he truly loves me..
But what is love now.. I stalk his Facebook and see him in a relationship.. How is that love? I know he does love me but he has a weird way showing it.. It hurts my chest so much. It feels heavy and broken... He's also a hypocrite too. I see his profile and he tags her in weird sexual pictures.. But hates it when I do it?.. So I've been depressed since September about this.. About him.. My depression is always him.. My chronic depression worsened with him (I've had depression before.. But that's another wild story..) I don't want to let him go.. This is a huge pain cycle... He's gonna come back soon.. Or probably not.. I miss him dearly. I really really do love him and wish I can talk to him.. And so I signed up to the Arts Institute of Nashville in Tennessee.. And I might live there next year to attend. One, because they have my future and media arts I wanna work with.. And second, to find Zack.. But he has no idea about this plan.. I really only wanna go to Tennessee for him.. Even if we aren't together, I'd love to see him. If he really did move on when I meet him.l it's fine... His smile is so important to me.. If he's happy. I'm happy.. That's what love is right? Making another person happy.. But I miss him so dearly.. I've cried over him. Just a thought of me makes me break down so quickly.. Thinking about him and the memories.. It hurts so bad.. I felt so depressed to the point of self harming.. I just.. Don't know what to do..

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@HelenCarolina Helen. You are being told your “relationship” is a sham. That is a hard pill to swallow. Please keep this in mind. You are OK. It is not you who got yourself to the point where you doubt yourself. It is the one who has tricked you. Your doubt have been carefully groomed by someone who has had the benefit of tailoring your thought one by one, inserting notions he wants inserting and omitting ones he wants omitted. Personally I wouldn’t give two pieces of dirt for an “online relationship” or romance. Why? Because this is what you get. No one has to tell the truth when they are “under cover” on the internet. Whatever you “think” you know about your love, pleeeez don’t forget… It is what they want you to know. I REPEAT This is NOT on you. It is on the one who tricked you. Don’t respond with doubts about yourself or thoughts of suicide. Repsond by shutting the damn computer and going outside where you can meet a real flesh and blood person who will love you and share his life with you. Avoid people who are just a bunch of carefully thought out words that you read on the internet.

True love is liking everything about you. Love doesn't hurt. Sweetheart find someone in your town, with the same smile. You need for you and your friends to block him, and start over. It will hurt but find a guy you can talk to face to face. You are so young, and all is possible. Go back to France and study your art. Work for hallmark or Disney for practice. You are a beautiful girl, and people take advantage of that, don't let them. Killing yourself is forever, and you don't want that, because you cant take it back. What if you could be an important artist, bee the best mom a kid ever had, or just a girl who finds she is much stronger than she thinks. Stop smoking anything for awhile, and learn mountain climbing. Go climb a mountain and you will see what you are missing. I know you can get over him, but please stop hurting yourself by talking to this guy. your the get back girl, and your way better than letting him use you like that. God loves you and I am betting so do a lot more people.

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Thank you so so much, Katie.. I will try my very best to get over him and find a therapist to get my mind off of him. It's gonna be very hard for me because its been 6 years.. Thank you

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There is a name for the pain cycle. It's called the cycle of abuse. He does NOT love you. Like katie68 said. Love doesn't hurt and love doesn't hate. He keeps stringing you along with his charm. He knows he can get you do be depressed over him and he enjoys it. You will not be able to reason with him. You will not be able to get him to understand you. He has been using you from the beginning. You will need to go no contact with this boy and get into therapy to help rebuild your strength and your self esteem. Is suicide selfish? Yes and no. Yes because it's doing what you want without thinking about how it would make others feel. But, no (and it's mostly no) because someone contemplating suicide has gotten to a point where they honestly feel it would be better for EVERYONE if they no longer existed. Don't go that route. You are a beautiful person and have so much to offer. There are many people who would be hurt by it. You deserve to live and be loved. You aren't selfish, you're hurting and the one you are hurting over is the one who is causing you to doubt your worth. Cut him off without explanation. Explore yourself in therapy. Be happy with you and don't define yourself with a relationship or lack thereof. The person in the mirror is the only one who's opinions matter. Learn to love her again and send that abuser to hunt down a new victim.

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@Usmcgirl79 Painfully truthful but it needed to be said. I saved your post to a file. Thanks for the insight. I came here to comment but after reading what you wrote, there was nothing left to add. I hope Helen will read your post over and over until she believes it.

Thank you everyone. Thank you so so much for these advices.. It will be hard to let him go but I will keep on reading everyone's replies about my post. So far it's an "abusive" relationship and I will see a therapist asap. Thank you, everyone.

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@HelenCarolina are you hanging in there sweetie? I was thinking of you today. I hope you are feeling better. Even just slightly better. I wanted to let you know, I don’t think Irma was jumping to conclusions. I’ve followed her posts and comments for a while now. She has a unique experience and alot of wisdom. Rather than passing judgement, my belief if she was trying to get a big picture so she could help support you. She’s good like that. You have a lot of support here and it sounds like a close relationship with your parents. You will get through this, girl. One day at a time.

Glad to hear you are receptive to getting help for this. It can be hard for sure. Don't forget you have us here when you need to talk.

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I've been through an abudive relationship like this before. My first boyfriend ( my first everything) when I was 22 yrs old. In the beginning, he loved everything that made me who I was but after seven months of dating he told me that he couldn't handle my emotional ways and my issues. Either I change myself or he would leave me, so lacking any confidence, fearing being single and losing my first love, I hide my emotions and issues. I became more depressed, began binging and overeating daily and crying every night because I was so miserable. The more I changed the more things he found he didn't like about me, so I would change those things too. Two 1/2 yrs into that relationship I didn't even know who I was anymore and I wanted to leave him but I didn't have any support or confidence to do it. It took me a whole year to finally hit rock bottom and leave him. I wasted three 1/2 years living a man who never truly loved me. What finally did it for me was believing whether I was with him or not with him I would still be miserable but at least without him I had a chance to get better. I got over him it took two years of struggle, but I'm in a better place now and I have a new boyfriend now that does love the real me. I follow this saying about love, " true love is acceptance. Acceptance of the past, the present, and the future." I repeat this to myself daily to remind myself that this is the love I deserve. Your not alone and you will get through this.

@Jdyankee thank you so so much. God bless you.

@HelenCarolina Wow, you are 17, and you have lived this fast? It's liked you pressed fast forward button, on my old VCR! You have to certainly changed your Lifestyle. You are in love with a boy, who you 've never seen before, face to face, for the past 6 years on the Internet? You think you 're in Love with him but you had a 3 way, with your drug dealer, that's how you lost your virginity? When you truly in Love with somebody, you don't sleep with somebody else. Also you smoked marjuana, drink alcohol with your friends, you were raped 3 times , and suffered with depression. Alcohol, and marjuana makes your depression worst. You needed help, You needed to visit a therapist. Where are your parents? Yes, all this time you are speaking with a boy on the Internet when you are 13? In addition you were raped 3 times, did you reported this to the proper authorities, the Police? I will say again, where are your parents? Let them accompanied to your doctor, so he can recommend a therapist for you. Depression doesn't just go away, you needed professional help. I can't seemed to fathomed, where were your parents all this time, when you were displaying all this behaviour? You were just 13, when you started a Cyber relationship with this boy? Now, you posted you feeling suicidial, for someone you don't really know..... Does he existed? He could be middle aged man, for all we know. Have you seen Catfish, the show on MTV. It's about young men, and women having a relationship on the Internet, and one of the persons is lying about their identity. Please watch it! My thoughts, and prayers are with you. SG friends are here, to support, and be supported.

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@Irma um wait no I never had a three way. And I have seen the boy face to face on Skype and all.

@EMN thank you!

I haven't read the other comments, so I don't know what they already said, but I want you to know, that it's not your fault. Any of it. Of course you were angry in the end, and of course you were sad, and there is no reason for him to blame you for anything. To me it seems like you did all the rights, and he turned them into wrongs. Rape? NOT YOUR FAULT! (it never is, why can't people understand..) Thoughts about taking your life? THE HARDEST THING SOMEONE COULD EVER GO THROUGH! I think you are brave, and you took a huge step just by telling him about it. He broke that trust, he is the one at fault here.
You seem like a wonderful person, and I'm sticking around this site for a while if you need to talk about it.

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@sry thank you so so much… I had a feeling it wasn’t my fault but ugh I always took so much crap from him… Thank you.