Hello, New to this group/posting.
I am currently in a long-term relationship, and we just bought a house together. I am so happy with him and our relationship. He is the first person in my life at all to really understand where I came from and my flaws and still love me the same for it. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, physical and extremely mentally lost myself completely. I took the time before getting into this relationship to work on that so I would be ready for a healthy one, and I thought I had moved on from it. To be honest, since starting a relationship with a mostly healthy partner (he has his own childhood things that cause him to shut down a little during conflict), and it has brought up a lot of things I thought I had worked on. My father was also an abusive alcoholic, and my brother passed away from a heroin overdose, as well as me not even realizing that my mother has impacted my communication and security so much over the years. My partner is so patient with me, and understanding of all these things, and helps me to stand up for myself, and accept I am human, and I am going to mess up and not be perfect.
I guess my question, or what I am struggling with, is the fact I beat myself up when I am triggered to a past experience in conflict and I act out or have a panic attack. I have been journaling to try and be more mindful of myself and take time outs to step away and acknowledge that my triggers have nothing to do with the person in front of me, and not to treat him like he is someone who hurt me. I am wondering if anyone on here experiences things like this and has good coping skills to be able to stop themselves in times of conflict with a partner to prevent themselves from just reacting from emotion and end up hurting their partner. MY biggest fear is letting the people who abused me, turn me into someone like them for my current partner. I never want to hurt someone the way I was hurt, and I am struggling to find good ways to stop myself. Thanks for anyone who has advice!
Have you two discussed couples therapy. That isn't something to shy away from, you are both dealing with less than ideal pasts and wanting to have a healthy relationship with each other and that is a great thing! Growing up I thought everyone screamed at each other when they fought, I learned that isn't healthy or normal. I have to remind myself to this day, that everything I was taught was wrong and that I have to choose a new and healthier way to process my feelings. Sometimes that is telling someone, I am acting out of anger and I really just need a moment. When you fail, say you are sorry. We can't change our past, but we can do everything possible to do things better in our present. Hugs.
@maddielynn It sounds to me that both of you should look into some type of therapy.
Also @maddielynn you might want to look into some anger management classes or courses.
I hope this is helpful to you.