Hello. This is my first time posting. I have been on here reading posts for a while now and today felt strong enough to post. My awful story began 10 months ago. I received a message on social media from an unknown source that my husband was having an affair. I confronted my husband about the message I had received and he confessed. I was in complete shock and could not believe what he was saying. He had completely destroyed our beautiful family. We have two kids. I had no idea that this was going on, I was so hurt and could not even comprehend all of the emotions I was dealing with. He ended the affair that day and has been a completely different person. He feels awful for what he did and is trying so hard to make it right again. We both have worked hard to make changes within our marriage trying to figure out the cause of why he strayed away. We actually have become closer and we communicate much better than we ever have. He is always letting me know where he is when we are not together. Reassuring me that he has not heard from her. He shows me his phone at anytime. He has vowed that he will make a positive out of all the pain he has caused me. I on the other hand still think about it. Some days are better than others. I still have so many different emotions that I am trying to deal with daily. I want to wake up just one day and not think about it and go away! With this ever be the case? Does it get easier? Not really sure if these questions can be answered, just feels good saying it out loud? Any advise is greatly appreciated.
I’m so sorry. 10 months is soo soon. I’m 2 years in and while I’m doing better. I’m not healed and I don’t think we ever will be fully healed. Start doing for you. Learn what you love and what you want from now on. Sounds like you guys are making great progress, together. That’s always good to read. Please just know the truth always comes out. May not necessarily be on your time. But it always comes out
Every single emotion you are feeling is perfectly normal. Sorry to hear yr story.
However if he continues with his current behavior then you’ll start feeling better in a couple of years.... that’s how long it took me at least..
In the meantime see if you two can communicate better... let each one in... speak freely... it helps.
Hang in there
@Muetig it has taken me all of 27 months to get to a much better place. Keep swimming it will come.
Nothing wrong with the marriage, something was wrong with your h and he needs to address that. This is all on him.
This is exactly the same as what I am going through. I just want this gone from our lives. It has been such a shock and a disappointment. I do t want to event think about her. Not even waste one second on her. But she and he both have ruined the past 9 months of my life
It’s so awful I know. It probably took me a good 18 mos before I even started feeling remotely better, and finally started to really accept that my husband’s infidelity was a permanent part of our history together now. Until then I just so badly wanted him to be able to “take it back” so that it hadn’t happened, even though logically I knew that wasn’t possible. Coming to a place of real acceptance is so hard! I’m 27 mos was n now, and have more good days than bad, but it’s still something I think about daily. I’ve just learned over time how to not let those thoughts and emotions become so consuming. When your mind starts to go down that rabbit hole change up what you’re doing to distract it. Or get those thoughts out of your head by writing them down or venting on here. My therapist told me that when we are traumatized like this it is a natural, self protective reaction for our brains to keep these thoughts front and.centre for a long time. Especially when you are illogically putting yourself back “in danger” everyday by staying with the person who caused the trauma. You actually have to retrain your brain not to have these reactions. Learning to refocus in those moments through distraction is one technique. Mindfulness exercises can also help, as they teach you to just observe your emotions in those moments without having an emotional response. And time helps too.
Thanks for the advise from all that replied. It is comforting knowing that others are having the same thoughts and that I am not alone in all of this. So very sorry that any of us are on here even posting stuff. If spouses would honor their promises and commitments we all would live happier lives. When reading through these posts I can’t help but think why do people cheat and cause so much pain? I would never hurt anyone I love, for that matter anyone at all. It is not worth it. Some days I just wonder will the OW ever get what she deserves and then I feel bad for having ill feelings. Ugh!
@Mo1215 My thought is that if these people don’t feel guilt and shame and remorse for what they did then I almost feel sorry for them, because they are clearly not capable of really feeling true emotions or capable of truly connecting with others on an emotional level. I know I’d rather live a life full of feelings and connections, even if it is painful sometimes, than the shallow existence they must be living. They are a sad bunch of people. They will also never really experience love.
It sounds as though both of you have taken the steps that are necessary to move on and mend this. This is not an easy process, and it does take time. I give you so much credit for putting the effort forth and working so hard at it. Like others said, the thoughts can come out of no-where and they can instantly become consuming, learning to control these thoughts is the key. (Easier said than done) just try and take things one day at a time. I recently read an article about Al and Lisa Robinson, about their marriage, how it had faced infidelity and they came back from it stronger than ever. It gave great insight into how a marriage can recover and actually become stronger after something like this. Prayers to you as you face this, I hope things keep getting better every day...
@chaoticjoy3 I’ve heard this stronger after recovery theory and to me sounds a little strange. Imagine the strength of a relationship that two ppl respect each other always. Not saying you can’t get there, just would be nice getting there without the drama. Just realized this post sounds negative/ insensitive in this group, but my wife has been asked many times to: please close your eyes and imagine what our marriage would be like if you didn’t do that. She gets relaxed , then I go in for the kill and yell… just kidding I let her enjoy it to know what to strive for, and what can be missing.
I agree, I am not sure that I would be able to move on from something like this. In my case the relationship ended by I find hope in those relationships who survive and actually surpass the infidelity. I give these people so much credit, it takes a great deal of emotional strength. I guess every situation and every relationship is different, the story of Al and Lisa was an inspiration to me. But yes, I can imagine the healing process is neither fast nor easy........ And the anger, that has to be difficult to let go of, again takes lots of emotional strength I guess, lots of patience, heck I still hold a grudge and I'm not even with him anymore. I just know that holding on this anger makes me a pretty awful person, so I have done my best to let it go. To those of you who are working through this, to say that I admire you is an understatement, I truly have a great deal of respect for you. Prayers to your situation too, that you can find peace through the storm and things get a little better every day.
@chaoticjoy3 if you can’t get rid of the anger, put it to work. I’m getting my chainsaws ready to keep from getting fined for too much vegetation. But I figure there is no way I am going to wish this anger out of me. Keep moving physically until you can package that anger for other purposes. For instance say " I would have never helped that person, or donated your time, if that didn’t make me so angry "until you get rid of the anger but still wanna help ppl.
This is an awesome prerogative, I guess living through the anger, finding ways to use that anger for good is all part of the grieving, healing process. Trying to stuff the anger away probably only makes it worse.....
@chaoticjoy3 I tried stuffing it AFTER repeating efforts to “simply” let it out. Stuffing makes it explode, which a cheater spouse usually doesn’t know how to deal with… heck they didn’t know how to deal with their emotions! So my only option was to redirect my anger to those things in my life which requires as much physical labor I could provide… until it snows, then the fun begins. I know this old “dog” can learn some new tricks. All of you please have a great day! I’ll be trying enough for many of us.