Hello to everyone. I have a simple question, or at least I think it is simple. We all lament our personal situations here on this forum and of course that is one of the purposes of this platform.
My questions is this: If each of us rejects the negative in our lives, (our spouses etc) and focuses on the positives in our lives, why do we not find a way to improve our own personal feelings of self worth? Could it be that we are more comfortable when we wallow in the quagmire of self pity? Or is it that we are afraid to take the step to allow us to be free and start anew?? I personally have been there and done the a fore mentioned. Just curious how many here are willing to look inward and be hyper-self critical. This past week I received my AHA moment from a long ago friend who welcomed me back into their arms without any judgment. My sense was I neglected me and them for far too long!!!
For me even when Im at positive state, what other people say negative about me brings me down until I'm able to shake it off & remind myself to ignore that negativity because we know the good in ourself
I'm trying to understand what you're saying. Are you implying some people could abuse this site as a crutch and excuse to wallow in their situation rather than progressing? If that is what your post implies, it seems it can be an individual thing that no one else can judge. For me this site helped my heart palpitations, from the stress I was under, go away. I feel it helped me get thru times where I was on the brink, ready to swallow a bottle of pills. I feel more positive every day because I have more hope. I have had the chance to formulate my plans for the future. The plans have had to change because of mitigating circumstances. But I really think it can be misjudged that, because I'm not further along, I'm not doing anything. That simply isn't true. But I've seen comments alluding to that and it's usually from people that don't know exactly all the details of what I've had to surmount. I've also seen others misjudged as not doing anything to move forward simply because they needed encouragement, to be loved on, given positive affirmations and an understanding ear. Sometimes a person needs to vent. But I've also seen a lot of people come, grow thru it, and move on pretty quickly because they didn't need as much support here any longer, which is proof of how effective the site is as a support. I also think some members may be more healthy as are some groups. I used to moderate groups in a counseling center and think this type of forum is a little more validating of one's emotions rather than trying to push others to move forward like some groups may be. Some people are really into that pressuring kind of strategy and as a result actually could help some people while putting others off who may not respond well to that sort of pressure. So in other words this group may not be everyone's cup of tea.
@Scat Hi,you have to know from all the posts that I am not into judging anyone. My look into the mirror and my own downward spiral has, I hope given me perspective, and maybe a glimpse for others,into how one can be destroyed for the wrong reasons.
I do not assert that anyone is using this site as a way to"wallow" in their own issues or to seek affirmation that their personal trials are valid. Far be it from that. I simply state that maybe we must look in the mirror and “honestly” confront our own image and take control of that which we face. Consider that, which is a very deep and often times a scary undertaking.
To grow and to rise above the world shaking events of divorce involves the self understanding and acceptance that we all are imperfect, each of us!!
I certainly hope that everyone who posts here receives feedback that helps and lifts them up. The reality of these posts is that everyone has their own perspective and one size does not fit all!! That is not a dis but the stark truth of a forum like this where individual ideas and personal experiences may become Gospel to some. Support is a great thing and my hope is that all here find what they are hoping will help them. The bottom line, for me, is that self honesty and true revelation is the key to breaking the bonds that hold anyone from moving into a better life and feeling better about themselves. That is an individualistic crown that each person here must find for themselves. M most fervent hope is that all here find that place. I also hope that all here ask God to help and call upon HIM to lift them up. Scat God bless you and always I will consider you to be a stalwart here on this site.
Some of it is finding the right perspective, sometimes it's finding the right circumstances, sometimes it's finding the right people to have in your lives.
Perspective...for me it was understanding why my STBX wanted out of the marriage, understanding her point of view, what was missing that she needed, and realizing I could not give her what she was looking for. Once I accepted it, it was no longer a personal rejection that could hurt me, and there was no longer a need for me to try to find what was wrong with me or what had to be fixed within me to make her love me again. Then I was able to make the decision to find myself again, take care of myself, and step forward instead of looking back.
Circumstances...I know where I'm appreciated and I know what I do well. I work in a field where you make critical decisions all day long, and my coworkers know I'm one of their aces. The positive feelings I get from them boosts my spirits and makes me work even harder. My coworkers are also my friends and I make a point to be social when there's time, again a positive thing that I try to nurture. Coaching my daughter's soccer team, the kids love how I run practices and they're successful on the field. Something positive to focus on that keeps the negative feelings away.
People...I never realized before just how toxic the past 20 years have been. So much negativity, scolding, being spoken down to, automatic invalidation of anything I have to say no matter how trivial, having even simple conversations ended with "that makes no sense, why would you even bring that up?" I had isolated myself to work, soccer, and home. Finally reached out to some coworkers and starting socializing with them on the outside. Positive conversations, people interested in listening, laughs, things I haven't felt in a long time. One friend in particular who has become a foil for all of my negatives...really sees all of my strengths and brings out the best parts of me, makes me see myself in a better light and not feel like someone who was tossed aside when they were no longer useful. And that's become mutual, when their anxieties and negative feelings creep in I seem to be the one who can push those things away and reinforce the positives in their life, helps them see that they are a truly good person. Finding someone who makes me want to be better, and who I can have the same effect on, that's been life-changing.
@shamdog6 Hi yes AMEN to all you stated. Bottom line is the freedom to be you and not be what someone else wants you to be. I lived that way for 20+ yrs I know hat you are saying. God Bless!
I think the whole view people have on life of being negative or more positive is something we as people learn. I think people tend to learn from others like caregivers first, then only as we grow do we tend to be able to focus more on positive and better self esteem. I’ve noticed that it depends on the persons personality, and seems to be better at overcoming negativity if one has had a healthy and supportive upbringing.
@Foundlove Hi, yes the formative years are so important. But in many cases there is no way to break the genetic connection to per-formed personality issues that are brought to bear on relationships. This is truly n one’s fault. One is at the mercy of their genetics. It takes a strong person to break from those chains and to become their own person. The struggle is monumental in it’s effort. We are talking about the deepest emotional struggles a human being can encounter. Who among us has not wrestled with self doubt, self recrimination, at times even self hate of purpose or motive? We are talking basic human emotions. At best a subject that has as many questions as answers. We are all unique with our own needs and wants. I ask is it not too much too ask someone else to meet those needs? When in fact we are each uniquely responsible for our own needs and wants. I had to learn this lesson, it was hard.