I was first diagnosed with anorexia 10 years ago at 14, I was hospitalised, 'recovered' (back to a normal weight), then my parents split up when I was 17, I relapsed, was diagnosed again, and since then have maintained a weight that is still medically underweight but not at the point where I need to be in hospitaI.
Up until recently I used to be so obssessed with food, calories and excersise; it consumed my life, it was all I thought about all day, every day. I couldnt eat out with friends, food situations caused huge amounts of anxiety for me. I used to structure my days around how much I could excersise and eat, it was awful - my life belonged to anorexia. Then a friend of mine introduced me to church and it was here that I found relief. I gave myself to God and since then I have made some significant progress in my journey towards recovery; I no longer count calories, I dont weigh myself daily or take my measurements obsessively. I excersise moderately and enjoy eating out with friends and family. The obsession I once had with numbers, excersise and calories is pretty much gone.
Despite these successes, however, I still havent been able to completely let go of this ED. Im not sure I have an eating disorder per se but I still have distorted eating and have now developed body image problems. Lately, instead of being obsessed with calories, excersise and the numbers on the scale, ive become more fixated on how I LOOK in the mirror, and how I feel in my clothes. Whereas once the numbers on the scale determined how my day would progress, now my mood is influenced by how I feel in my clothes, especially my mid section (my stomach and waist). I HATE the feeling of being full, I HATE feeling bloated, it makes me feel disgusting and like a failure. This is a problem because its starting to determine how often and what I eat. I find it a struggle to eat unless im actually hungry (which isnt that often, I think my stomach may have shrunk), and I avoid foods that make me feel full and/or bloated. Unfortunately, this has meant that I now dont have regular bowel movements, which then has sometimes led to bloating and constipation, causing me to restrict even more. Its become an awful cycle and I dont know how to break out of it. I have thought about laxatives and have bought some but Im scared of becoming physically dependent on them. I still so desperately want to recover, I want my life back, free from this ED, but I seem to be trapped, maybe not in the same obsession, but in an unhealthy cycle never-the-less.
Has anyone else experienced what Im going through? Has anyone kinda 'shifted' or 'swapped' eating disorders? Im not sure Id classify myself as anorexic anymore, but I certainly still have issues. What has helped others to push through these tough times continue to recover? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can get out of this awful cycle and continue to progress? Please help!