Help help help

Hi everyone
I know I said I wouldn't be writing... I was afraid that my school would figure out I am posting and then be angry, but that is not the case and I desperately need help. They know that I have been throwing up... not to the extreme that I am... but they know. They don't seem too phased by it. I did not lose my car or anything like that. They told me it better not happen again and pretty much teased me until I cried which, i guess, it better than it could have been.
I am really struggling though. They know that when I am in the bathroom for a long time, I am probably throwing up. So now I have become sneakier and sicker than ever. I throw up outside, in my room, wherever I can and where no one will hear me. I am so scared. I feel horrible. I am seeing a new doctor, and she is very nice, so I plan on talking to her about everything when I see her. I will tell her everything, I have decided. But that is in a few weeks, and I feel like I am getting worse. I am afraid that I will tell her what has been going on and she will want to send me to treatment - and I don't know what I will do then. I am so confused, I feel weak and like a failure.
CC

CC,

I'm so glad to see you back here... There is NOTHING wrong with writing here and looking for recovery support. I hope you know that. I hope you also realize that your school's understanding of bulimia is obviously twisted, and I hope you'll be a bit gentler with yourself. Don't you think you would have quit by now if it was simply a matter of deciding to do so? :0/ I'm sure there hearts are in the right place, but they have no right talking to you that way... They're making your situation harder... That makes me angry.

I hope you WILL confide in this new doctor. Try not to predict what she will say/suggest. Just be honest, stay in the moment, and really try to hear her.

What are your options for help until your appointment? I hope your school offered you SOMETHING? :0/

Thinking of you, friend! ♥

Love,

Jen

Thank you Jen
My school has not done much since I told them... they are not making a big deal out of it, which is a good thing, but I am still struggling. Especially today I feel particularly terrible. I have become suicidal again.. but if I say that they will think I am trying to get attention. I am so lightheaded it is awful. I almost hope that I will just pass out and end up in the hospital, so then people will know what is really going on. SO that I will have to tell them. I know that is terrible but I feel so limited right now as to what I can do. I will confide in this doctor. But there are risks... she may put me in the hospital. I dont know if that will be a terrible thing at this point, I feel unsafe, unstable, and unsure of myself. Out of control. Crazy.
I will continue to write. This is a place where I feel safe, so thank you .
CC

CC...your best bet is to tell 'your school', whoever that is, the complete truth. They SHOULD take it seriously! If you are thinking that it would be better to pass out and have to go to the hospital, wouldn't it be better to tell them and go without collapsing? I know you are confused, but the most important thing is for you to get help, and that means treatment. You say yourself that you don't feel safe. Please tell someone. You deserve help sweetie!!
Please don't ever think you can't write here...we all care, but you must seek help!! Thinking of you...Jan ♥

try and see if you can move up your appt w/ your doctor to an earlier date. and don't be afraid of going to treatment--it's what you need. it will help. you will be in an environment where you can feel safe. treatment is hard, but it is worth it if you put the effort in.

CC I am so sorry you are struggling honey. I agree with FearUnder Control, please call your doctor and see if you can get in sooner. Put yourself on a list to call in case they get a cancellation. That almost always works for me. And like Jan, your "school" is obviously not informed about your illness and therefore is giving you bad feedback.
We all love you here CC; Praying for you!

Thank you so much
It is great to know that you are all here for me, and I can share openly. I am falling apart, I need help, and I need it soon. I am so worried. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and schedule an appoinment I think because I am frightened that my school does not understand and I am not going to make it another few weeks without something terrible happening.
I will continue writing. Thank you for your endless love and support.
CC

glad to hear you are taking action. that is awesome. i'm proud of you!