It's just another day, like the day before and before and before. I don't want to get up. I have nothing to get up for. I just want to sleep. I eat and eat and eat, just to put myself to sleep, as soon as I stop I eating I start to feel pain again. I know I've started to gain weight and it's just going to get worse.
I'm hurting myself terribly and I can't find the off switch. I've no motivation and no self control. I don't want to feel anything and food allows me that comfort. How can I help myself. I am getting desperate at the stage, I feel so sad and lonely like no one understands.
I've stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I don't dare look at me naked before I get into the shower. I hate my body and I hate myself so much. I have been given such opportunities by those around me to get well but I don't use them, everything I try to be is nothing, I am nothing....just a waste of space and oxygen.
YOU are NOT a waste of space or oxygen!! :0/ You are a gift!! ♥ I know you can't see that right now, but I believe that someday you will. :)
Last night I tried a new support group... The topic was fear. I've been thinking about it a lot... I think that the only way to lessen fear of something is to face it. I can remember when I was singing many years ago... My first time on stage I stood like a stationary cardboard cut out of myself! Hahaha! I was too terrified to even turn my head! ;0) But while the fear never left me, after years of practice, I learned to LOOK comfortable. To "fake" it. To PUSH THROUGH my fears. I am grateful that I have that experience to fuel me. And yet... I STILL feel unable to push through SOME of my fears... I'm frustrated with that! I asked WHY in the group last night... Why was I able to push through some fears, while it feels impossible to do so with others. The dietician leading the group said that's because I'm not ready. That was NOT the answer I wanted... ;0) I WANT to be ready! I HATE not being ready! I'm READY to be READY already!! Aaaarrrrggghhh!
Perhaps, as frustrating as it is... The first step is the WILLINGNESS to be ready and to try something ELSE... Eventually, you'll be ready to knock those training wheels off and stretch your legs. :) For now, try to keep your eyes on the road, and trust those around you to keep you steady. You might fall. You might scrape your knees. You might be bruised and frightened of trying again. But the only way to learn is to push through those fears and try, try again... You don't have to do this alone... ♥
Hey Jen,
Thanks for the response, i just feel so lost. When i stop eating and i'm still awake as soon as my stomach empties i feel empty emotionally, i've very little emotional energy and i've gotten into a really bad space i don't even want to go to therapy tomorrow.
I just don't want to feel, I want to wake from this awful nightmare and be ok.
No apologies. You do not have to be sorry for feeling your feelings. I’m glad you are sharing them so openly and honestly… It’s the OPPOSITE of what Ed wants us to do, and that means you’re moving in the RIGHT direction! We don’t always want to do what is best for us… I know I don’t always want to go to therapy. Or follow my meal plan. Or take care of myself in any other myriad of ways I think I “should”. But healing from this disease means learning to over-ride the eating disorder urges/distortions… It takes time, practice, and lots and lots of patience. Keep going, sweetie! Hang in there! You’re doing the work!
You do not have to give up on what ever it is you are doing. You could be having a hard time on controlling the eating or trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. If you believe in your heart than you can make it then there is nothing that can stop you. The truth is, you were not born to fail, you were not made to be a loser in anyway.
We do fail sometimes and we do lose some battles but this is because we allow the dark side to take over. We start to think negative and it is through those emotions that we lose and fail. One of the best ways to deal with this is to get hold of some words of encouragement.
Some of the things that discourage us at times are too insignificant to even allow them to determine our destiny. I do understand that at times it can be a situation that is beyond your control. What ever it may be, try to exercise some patience and look forward to another day. Do not make decisions when you are most vulnerable because you might regret them later on.
Thanks Ana,
I'm just a mess. I feel it, I feel like curling up and crying. I don't feel like I am worth anything. I've lost any belief I had in myself, it's all gone.
I'm sorry I feel like this, I'm sorry I feel this hopeless.
You are not a mess trust me we have all been there in one point of our lifes but to be honest with you, your such a great inspiration for many of us I just wanted to let you know that. Sometimes crying is good we clean our spirit.
I just want to let you know you are worth so much specially to me your such a nice person look deep inside of you.
You need to believe in yourself if you don't then who will? Take time to think things and try to stay possitive. Don't be sorry to feel hopeless many of us been there.
I don't know if I ever told you but I have the same problem as you when I am sad or happy I eat I don't have no control food rules me. I decided to change that you and me need to look deep inside ourselfs we all the power of change things. Don't let nothing or nobody put you down.
I just want to let you know you are not alone and I am here to talk when ever you have a bad day just like today.
Thanks Ana,
Maybe it could be good just to stop eating and let it out of my system of eating it down, because these emotions really want to come out.
I am so tired of feeling this way. I think of what I want just one full week of being binge free and that seems like such a climb for me. I want it so badly my heart aches for it.
Maybe I've been going at this all wrong, maybe when I'm feeling down i should let myself feel down and let it come out instead of stuffing it down.
Binge is a bad eating habbit I been in the dark with binge for the past 7yrs but last year it got really bad for me I had a great job a nice car I bought cash paid the second car I have bought with no ones help I was proud of myself.I had it great two cars that were paid for two children a boy and a girl a husband that was always here a nice home a good job my husband had three other cars that were paid for. He worked and had his own car shop. Life was great but what people din't know about me was that I had a binge problem my weight was always changing and I always try to not make it so out there.
I gained lots of weight last yr when I was in a bad car accident almost din't make it. I broke my leg and now I have lots of metal and screws. But I remember promissing myself that I would try to control binge eathing we all have that will power and I am sure you have it inside you.
Due to that accident I lost my health I would never be the same I walk different I will live with chronic pain for the rest of my life the doctors also said I would not be able to walk ever again but I thank god every day I am alive and walking and running with my children. I also lost my new car I had bought like some months ago. We lost our home we live now in a apt and my marrige is falling apart but let me tell you something we all have a reason to try and smille everyday my reason are my children I am trying for them.
Due to all the weight that I have gained my husband dosen't look at me the same you are not alone I have walked in your shoes and it is hard at times. I am here if you ever need anything I am here.
I said a little something of my story that way you could see we all have bad days but there is not a CLAUDY DAY WERE THE SUN DON'T COME OUT.. WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES GOD OPENS A LITTLE WINDOW..
You are not "bad" for feeling as you do... HUGS to you, sweetie... This too shall pass. ♥
Ana,
You've been through a lot... Moongal's right; you are very inspirational. :) I'm glad you chose to ignore the doctors and fight for the ability to walk... I'm sure that felt like an impossible task, but you persevered. :) I went through something similar with my elbow when I was 9. I dislocated it badly and fractured it; I knocked the growth plate completely off, and my surgeon thought I would never use my hand again. While I did lose some mobility (I can't rotate my wrist at all), I retaught myself to move my fingers! :) I can now use my arm almost normally, and someone would really have to look closely to see my modifications. Learning to use my arm again was the hardest thing I have ever done. So I can relate to your story. ♥ I think there are some important lessons to hold onto in both of our journeys... A doctor's prediction, even when based on scientific evidence, can't predict or control the power of the human spirit. ♥ If you believe in yourself, many things are possible. :)
Much love to you both! Now, to direct our attention towards beating these EDs! ♥
Moongal....I've haven't known you very long...but I can tell you right now you aren't worthless. You have helped me so much whether you know it or not...and I know you have helped many other people. I sooo know those feelings though...and they are miserable. But I also know they come and go...you just have to hang on. And you are never "bad" for feeling your feelings. It's so hard and frustrating when you feel like the days are just passing by and everything is the same...just know you aren't alone...things will get better :) Sending you lots of hugs!!!
We both need to try and stay on the same road. I am proud of myself but it took me seven yrs to realize it.
Yes try and you will find yourself. I hope you have a smile in your face soon. You are not bad for feeling like that we all been there trust me never lose hope and try.
Moongal, I am really so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day, but we are all here to provide you with as much love and support as possible. You have been such a HUGE support for me through all of my posts, you are so amazing, uplifting, compassionate and caring. I want to help you through this. Maybe instead of binge eating, get online with us here and share. The more you share, the more you get out and the less you will be suppressing emotionally by binge eating. It seems that the binge eating is a way to push down the emotions and try to keep them down. As soon as they come to surface, then you start to binge again to try to push them back down. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, allow yourself to feel down if that's what you need to get through this. We are human and we should allow ourselves to feel this way. If you push it down and bottle it up, then the cycle will continue and continue. I allow myself to cry, I think that I cried 10 times today, but then it was time to pull myself together.
Allow yourself to feel these down moments, but try to look ahead to an incredibly bright and beautiful future that I know you will have. You have so much to look forward to. I am here to help and support you in any way that I can. I know that you can and will get through this.
I am praying for you always and sending you tons of positive thoughts.
Hey thanks guys,
I woke up today and I made myself get up. I just can't spend another day in bed...or eating. I went for a walk, washed the car and gave the dog a bath (she wasn't too happy with me...but she needed it).
i don't want to fall back into it, but everyday is scary to me, and my bed is so comforting it's like being back in the womb, nothing to harm me.
But i know I can't live my life like that. I'm going to try because i can't keep dishing out advice if I refuse to do it myself. i have therapy today...eek. I hope I get some light bulb moment, right now I've got a flashing bulb, just on and off flickers of light.
Thank you for your kind words, they really help.
Love to ye all
Mooongal x
And Puppy, I changed my profile on the dating website to not looking to date just looking to chat, there are a few guys on there like that I think a few lonely hearts like me who just want to chat and nothing more, kind of more wanting to re-establish a little faith in the opposite sex I think.
I am so happy that you are having a better day today, that's a great first step to getting yourself up and out of bed. I realized that having purpose each day really helps me to push forward and not allow myself to fall back. If I lay in bed with nothing at all to look forward to each day, then I will just lay there and lay there. Having purpose is incredibly important for all of us, regardless of how big or small these purpose-fill tasks may be; meeting a friend for coffee or lunch, going for a nice walk, catching up with someone on the phone, doing some work, working on a hobby, doing community and charity work. You can fill your days so that they fulfill you and being around people really helps push you up and out of these moments. We need others' energies...if just to have silly moments with friends. I am really looking forward to a day trip with my friends this weekend where I will be able to shut it all off and just have so much fun.
I know that you will have a fantastic therapy session. Please keep sharing and let me know how you are doing.
Sending you many positive vibes and keeping you in my prayers.
Moongal, you made me feel so much better from reading these posts. I was feeling so despairing this morning... really at the bottom of it, and seeing you reflected there has helped already. Thank you so much for sharing all of these feelings. I'm feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and having trouble seeing how things can improve. The irony is that nothing is really bad. There are so many worse things happening to so many more people, and nothing really is wrong with my life other than I feel completely out of sorts and out of control. I'm saying very mean things to myself about how I HAVE to do this, and I HAVE to do that, and that if I don't get it all done, I will be worthless and unloved. So, thank you so much for sharing your feelings. It sounds like we both have some undercurrents to let out. I think, now, as I get in touch with these feelings, that my high levels of anxiety have been covering them up. All of these HAVE to's have been covering up these terrible feelings. So, anyway, thank you once again.
Hey Poet,
Oh no worries, it’s all about uncovering what is really going on. i think logically in our own minds we know that people love us, but we say spiteful things to ourselves and then start to believe them. But nothing ever came from bad. So whenever you hear that voice saying a nasty thing, tell it to hush up that you matter and are important and beautiful just as you are.
So just try and sit with your worries and realise, no, i don’t HAVE to do that, because i love me, and the people around me love me. it is difficult, you are fighting your inner need but it does get easier, and once you do it once, in a small thing, it feels fantastic.
Just keep telling yourself you are a good person, and you need to believe it, eventually your heart and head will follow your words.
Moongal...food is not your enemy...it sounds as though your emotions are what you are reacting to. It's hard, but NOT eating will only set you up for worse reactions. Jen is right about facing the fear and emotions that come along, because they will not go away otherwise...they will actually grow. Please try to feed your body, soul and mind, so that you can think clearly and feel empowered to move beyond this. Thinking of you dear....Jan ♥
We all are going though something in our live and we all made the first step in getting help by joining this group so that's a start. just take it one day at a time. if you need me i'm here.
You do not have to be sorry for feeling your feelings. 
I’m glad you are sharing them so openly and honestly… It’s the OPPOSITE of what Ed wants us to do, and that means you’re moving in the RIGHT direction!