I was married to a ENT Dr. for 10 year. 8 of the 10 years his buddy Ron lived with us. I am a recovering a sex and love addict, Have been clean and sober since Feb. 10th. I actually have no desire to ever have sex again. I have lost most feeling in that area. I want to be loved, but not like that.
We got into some lite S&M then as time went on it got more and more abusive. They would tie me up and leave me all day while they worked, would come home long enough to **** me or beat/ whip me and leave again.They tore out my nipple and clit hood rings out, choked me till I would pass out and I would wake up with one or both of them on me, in me, or banging me with an object. Believe it or not (I know this sound sick) but I enjoyed the lite S&M, I actually enjoyed being with two men, but when it turned to physical punching, knocking me out, waking up in a pile of my own blood it got scary. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to being fisted to the point that I started hemmoraging. So I can't have kids now. I have always wanted a house full of children. It kills me knowing I allowed this to happen. I am deppressed, i can't eat and am unemployed as of now.
With my husband being a well known Dr. of our small community, nobody was going to believe me if I went to the cops, plus he threatened me that he would slash my throat if i told. ( I believe he would have). So I told them at the hospital that I had been mugged and raped, and later went to jail for filing a false report. About 3 weeks after my surgery, Ron (our live in) started ****ing me with a hot curling iron, he literally blew a wad watching me scream and beg him to stop. I as of now have no citoral feeling, i can't have an orgasim and I carry a gun. NOBODY will EVER do this to me again. I am having Vaginal rejuvination surgery in June. Hopefuly I will get some feeling back. As far as men go, I'm done! I'll take a women, a vibrator or nothing before I let a man touch me again. I am seeing a therapist, but unless you have been through something like this, I don't care how book smart you are, you can't begin to imagine how I feel. Is there anyone out there who has dealt with this type of situation? Any advise to make me stop thinking of ways to off myself? Anything?
Hi Dawns' finally happy, thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing. I am so very sorry for what you have been through and I think that you have so much inner strength for coming out of all of that, and being on the positive path that you are on now. Would you mind my asking if you are divorced and have moved away from your husband?
Hi dawns finally happy. Tears come to my eyes as I hear what you've been through. I can't know how you feel, but I do know that you are worthy of better treatment than you have received. I am impressed by your courage. It takes guts to open up the way you have, and to seek help and support. You are at the start of a better path. Keep going!
John
Welcome dawns finally happy, I know the feeling of being treated very poorly from men in my past in a sexual way. Mostly degrading names and lots of talk behind my back, all aimed for other people to treat me poorly, I learned that from my family of origin and I repeated the poor behavior for years. If it's possible, if your husband ever harasses you verbally again, have a small recording device to record what he says. It may not hold up in court, but it's enough to get someone else to listen if you are afraid that they will not believe you. Take care, Mary
Thank-you for your input. I have moved several states away from my husband and have have filed for divorce. It won't be finalized till late Oct. from what i understand. John you speak of inner strength, I had no choice but to move away. I really think he would have eventually killed me. After getting out of the hospital in Feb. (from them beating me half to death) I left for a couple weeks and he begged me to come back. He went as far as taking a plane to come get me. He brought me flowers, he got down on his knees and begged me to come home. promising we would get help, promising me we would adopt a child. He said he had repented,- he knew all the right buttons to push to get me to go back to him. I was so stupid! I really didn't figure I would have a chance with another man since they had mutilated my body. I can not experience pleasure. So I went to him, and within 2 weeks my husband and a friend of his tied me down, whipped me with a leather strap and forced themselves on me, taking turns, hurting my unhealed body, busted my 2 front teeth out and gave me a nice gash in my lip requiring stitches. Out of the blue, Ron (our live in) came home and started to beat the hell out of my husband. That blew me away, I really thought he was going to have his way with me. But for once he protected me. Anyway, I got in my car and left, I moved more than 500 miles from all of this insane crap. I am trying to better myself, i want to love and be loved so badly, yet it's like I can't tell when a man wants me, for me or to use and abuse. I say I never want to have sex again but I dream about it, and daydream about it all the time. then I wake up and remember that these men have taken away any possibility of me ever enjoying intamacy again. I try to put all the blame on them, but there were many times I begged them to preform certian sexual acts on me. So I'm no better than them. I feel so dirty. - Dawn
I've never been through or even imagined half of what you have been through and I have been raped and violated quite a few times. I am crying as I read your story, I'm so sorry for what they did to you and I hope they get what is f**king coming to them. I hope they f**king get it. As a fellow sex addict, I know you are so much better than them. They took advantage of you in cruel and degrading ways. Sometimes our need to be loved and touched and appreciated can cause us to take or allow desperate measures. I think it's great that you can acknowledge your part in what happened but know that it IS NOT your fault. You TRUSTED them- for "lite S&M" and they did inhuman things to you. Sex is never supposed to be like that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying 2 men or S&M or anything. There is something wrong with hurting someone else for fun or pleasure. I'm here for you and while I can understand that things are very hard for you I'm just glad to know that you are alive and out of there.
With Love,
M
I am SO glad you are hundreds of miles away from that situation. You need LOTS of space to do the work that's ahead of you. You COULD have valued yourself so little that you could have just stayed until they killed you, but you didn't. You chose to protect yourself by leaving, and THAT takes guts. I am still impressed with your courage. We have all made choices that have damaged ourselves and others. That doesn't mean we're dirty, just that we're human. And we are having this conversation now because we both want to start making better choices. There are some brave people here, and you are now one of us. One day at a time, friend.