Help Me To Understand This

Hi. I am a 26 year old female and engaged to a 38 year old male. We have been together for almost 8 years now; the first 7 were absolutely wonderful! I got pregnant in 2009 with our now 5 month old daughter, sometime during my pregnancy he started using some type of drug which I found out later when he admitted it that it was meth. During my pregnancy I would find things that he had hid around the house such as a glass pipe on several occasions and once even some white crystal like stuff. Well me being who I am never in my life have I used any hard type drug or anything didn't know what it was, so I confronted him about it and of course he lied and said it belonged to a "friend" or he would always say someone must have left it laying there but it was not his. Okay so time has passed and we have our daughter (the whole time he is still using), staying out side all the time, piddling with things, etc. Once our daughter was born I finally got him to admit to doing it. I flipped out and this has now been over 5 months ago. I am still flipping out. He tells me that if I hadn't been so nosey I would have never knew he was doing it but me being a women I kept getting these "bad feeling" that something was going on. So I kept plundering around the house till I started finding things. He tells me all the time that he hid it from me and lied to me about it to "protect me" because he knew i had never done anything like this. He is a hardhead and so am I so every time it comes up and I think he is doing it, I fly off the handle mad and loose my temper. I don't want to leave him I really don't I mean we have been together 8 years in April but I just do not know what to do. He is not mean or abusive he just stays away from me and our daughter all the time (which I do believe is the drug) but he says its because my mouth. I have asked him on several occasions to quit because it is ruining our family but that doesn't seem to affect him, but I am sure he cares it is just the drug making him act like he don't I guess. He has never cheated on me or anything to that sort and he is not a bad person at all he just has a addiction problem. He tells me that the only reason he started doing meth is because he started coming down on his dose from methadone and he started meth for a "pick me up" to the methadone. He has done pills the whole time we have been together and we both used to smoke pot but no more. I am a cig smoker and he tries to tell me that smoking is just as bad as meth which i know really isn't. I am now 4 months pregnant again with our second child and this is really stressful I just don't know what to do. I try to be kinda supportive because I know meth is a hard addiction but I do not like the fact he does it never have never will!! I just really don't know where this relationship is going to go. I have left on 3 different occasions and went to my parents house to stay but for no longer than 2-3 days at a time. I really love him and would honestly die for him but there has to be something I can do or maybe say that would make him stop. I tell him all the time that he is going to regret it when I do leave him for good, I am going to call the law, etc.but I really just don't know. I am lost! I guess it is so bad because I have never done hard drugs and would never. Thanks for taking the time to read this and everyone out there please pray for us. I pray everyday and night that the lord will give me the strength to get through this. Thanks!

thambrick,

I find it hard to figure out which way to go with this. When I saw the part where you said he had been doing pills the whole time you had been together and you both smoked pot, it kind of begs the question, are you really surprised he'd been doing something harder? I think when you accepted the relationship with him doing pills and you both smoking weed that set the tone for things. Just my personal opinion, drugs are drugs. Some are harder, some are softer, but that doesn't change what they are. Not allowing any drug use to go on(pills or weed) would have been the best way to ensure he didn't start doing other types. I am not blaming you, please understand, you are not responsible for choices HE made. But you have let it gone on and stayed with him. So why would he quit?

Someone under the influence of a drug like meth isn't going to use common sense. So you can't reason with him or find the magical words that will click for him. You are correct. It is the drugs. So you need to quit trying to talk sense into him. Because he won't understand.

You are unsure what to do. You have a child and are pregnant with another. You're going to let someone on meth be around your children? I know you love him and this is very hard. But you need to think about the kids and what is best for them. I'm sure you depend on him in some way financially. If your parents were willing to help you before, you need to go stay with them indefinitely until he decides to seek treatment. The best way for him to get help is with treatment for all his addictions.He's 38, I think hoping he'll stop on his own isn't likely. I found a treatment center locator http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ Just look into it.

I feel very sad that you have to go through this and hope you are able to find help for him in some way. Please do what's best for you and the kids. Good luck.

Having beenin your husbands shoes the only thig that workd for me was my kids mother kicking me out and cutting off all contact. I did not care. I finally after 6 months realized what I was doing to my kid. I think it will be hard but you need to cut him out of your's and your childrens lives. I am not saying permanently, but you are enabling the behavior. You need to take the control from him. Your kid deserve better than that. I do not mean this to be hsrsh but if you wont leave him for a short time because you cant imagine your life without him its kinda selfish. In your case the kids are the most important. I also work with addicts, and you are delusioal if you think he is the same guy you fell in love with, he just does drugs now. In a recent study i read and from talking to my patints 9 out of 10 meth users cheat and keep it well hidden. Sex addction is an effect of meth use. Just be carful and do whats best for your family. My thoughts are with you. Best of luck!

i am in a relationship now, engaged to a man who I found out was a meth user 8 years ago. We moved back to the town where he engaged in meth use and now I am noticing signs of drugs use. Note, I have NEVER used drugs....but started looking it up online when he started staying up all night and watching porn and such, and lying about things. Money was also not as abundant. I am worried. One week his eyes are dilated, the next they are pinned looking. What's up with that? He sleeps all weekend sometimes, and up all weekend the next. He stays up even when he has to go to work. He seems only interested in sex with me when his pupils are dilated. I need some advice, as I have never been around this before. I thought I had found the man of my dreams.

I have a very similar situation. The father of my unborn child is a meth user. We have been together off and on(because of this addiction) for 7 years. I am 24 years old and he is 33 years old. He tries to justify using as if it were a normal thing to do. One of his ways of justifying using is when he get's high I don't even know. But 3 weeks ago he slashed the tires on my car because he thought I was seeing someone else. I do believe with all my heart that if he wasnt high that would have never happened and he wouldn't be paranoid or concerned of my faith to him. I'm five months pregnant and going to cheat on him? He is lost in a world i can not connect to. The mental and now physical abuse seems to get worse everyday. This has made it especially difficult for me being pregnant. I have made the choice to cut him out of my life but continue to stuggle with that everyday because I love him and I want nothing more than to be a family together. I want him to experience the blessings that come along with being a father. He can be the most wonderful person I have ever known to the most ugly. The ugly side is meth. I know leaving him was the right thing for me and my baby. I pray for him everyday to open his eyes to see how meth is destroying our family and I pray for you and everyone out there who is dealing with this struggle. Be strong and do what is right for you.

Thambrick

All these post are really sad, and REAL. The bottom line is the hard line here. Justin099 is right...get out, get away from him. He won't get better on his own and you can't help him. First he has to admit that Meth is not good. Then he has to get help, i have heard of only a very, very few people being able to get away from Meth on their own. Dishonesty, Stealing, Wrecklessness, and so on are the bad sides of Meth. It is highly addictive, statically speaking most people do Meth once become users, its just that powerful.
A meth addict will ruin your life and your family. Leave and if and when he gets straight then you can decide if you can have a life with him. You are 26, you are young. You can have a good life with just you and your kids, right now you need to protect your kids, your family. I have seen meth users literally ruin their families, i have never heard a positive story of a meth user being a part of any family. I wish you the very best. I will pray for you as i am sure everyone else here is doing the same. Have faith.

Get out and unless he (they) decide to to go to treatment and get help don't look back....trust me I have been there...I am there, my son is four and he misses his daddy like crazy, it would have been better for him if he never met him and I feel responsible.....he has hurt my son to no end...trust me you don't want this for your kids...it's killing me

My husband passed away on 1/6/09 due to smoking meth. I too know the heartache and sadness that meth has brought my family. I spent the last 5 years of his life trying to pick up the pieces of his lies. He left me penniless. Homeless, even abandoned us in a homeless shelter. Every chance he could he cleaned out my bank account. I got nowhere fast. HOnestly,your child is much better off without him. Mine promised everything to the kids and when it failed to materialize, he would tell the boys, Well if your mother would have done this or that we would have gone." I was always to blame to for everything going on. You live life carrying an empty bucket. (false promises, Lies) Think long and hard. It was not fun holding my husband when he died. (He had brain damage so his eyes were blank and expressionless).

Hugs to you

Diane

Hi everyone! I am new here and I am looking for some help with some things. So I have been seeing the love of my life for over 6 mos. We live together and we get along great. one problem though, he is on methadone. I have known this from the very begining. he has never kept anything from me but some of the side effects are starting to wear on me. He is not interested in sex. i know its the methadone but i feel self conscience and ugly. he has no motivation. if i want something around the house done i have to do it myself or else it wont get done. i dont want to nag but i also dont want to do everything myself. i want to marry him, have kids and all that. but he says he has to be on it for at least a year and his couselor says he shouldnt propose or plan anything for the future until he finishes the program. why a year?? why so long?? when should they start to decease his dosage?? when they decrease it is he going to have more side effects?? help!