right now, i'm just a girl who screwed up everything. i haven't been happy in the longest time, and right now i've gone psychotic. I hate the person i am, and i never thought i could be this way. i was with a guy for a while, and that's not even the beginning, but just where i can almost remember. I was terrible and wrong. And i screwed it up. I blame myself everyday. I carried on what i had from my really long intense unhealthy relationship of a year onto this one. He was my bestfriend, so it was probably a mistake being with him. Hes changed and hes cruel. And he treats me horribly sometimes. We fight a lot and the things in my mind burn. I've come to hate the person i am, and am trying to change that no matter what. i wonder if its wrong to change myself but at the same time i would throw my life away now and take the chance on something completely different. I lost all my friends and i really don't have anyone who matters to me. Just him, but we got back and forth and for some reason the shock of him not wanting me. Not caring, it kills me. There so much wrong and i hate the fact people think my problems as something minor. Adolescent change. Because i know its not. I'm filled with so much anger and hate. And mind blowing sadness. I've become this clingy wreck. Like that creepy person who stalks your life. Thats me. And i hate it. I'm scared to be alone and i feel like i have no one, partially because i don't and partially cause he only matters. The worst part is i've been depressed for the longest time even before this. And hopefully when i decide to move on, i know I'll still be bored lonely and sad. I've become too dependent, and I'm going crazy. I get angry and break things. And i scream and act nasty to everyone. The only time I'm actually happy is when he pretends like he still has feelings for me. I'm not sure if he does and recently he met a new girl. My jealousy is out of this world. And i have issues with thinking she'll be better than me cause I'm horrible. This is the time i wish everything was a movie and now that i've seen how i was, i go back in time and be different. I lost my chance. I lost him, my bestfriend. And i feel like I'm dying. help me someone please.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, but everything must come to an end. Your feelings of depression and desperation will eventually lift. This is coming from someone with 2 suicide attempts, and a bipolar alcoholic. I promise you, I know where you're coming from.
You have some intense emotions going on right now, it's good that you found this site. It's very supportive and the people are great. Have you gone, are you currently going, to a therapist? Someone to talk to might help. Even a school counselor or even a trusted friend. (Besides this guy)
No one is better than any one of us. We are all human, and we are all equal. I am struggling with this as I type. I always think people are better than me..but I am trying to get out of this way of thinking. It's just destructive. You sound like a wonderful person!
People who don't have the issues we have, have a hard time understanding what we are going through. Me, personally, I have no one to really count on anymore. I'm 10 years suffering from my disabilities, and my family is has sort of put it on the back burner. I guess they are sick of hearing this and that. It's tough, but I have become my own advocate in my recovery (mental and alcoholic) and am on the right meds and the right path. We only have ourselves to truly count on in this world, and we can accept the help of others.
Best wishes, and keep posting,
Hi there....I read how you're feeling and I'm so sorry you're struggling with so many things due to the depression. I'm happy though that you found this site because here is a place where there is nothing you can say that will shock anyone or scare anyone away....everyone is here to try to help others and to get help for themselves too.
Depression is hard!! For people who don't have any struggles with it, they can't relate, and before you know it a lot of people will exit your life...I guess they can't handle our moods most likely. That sucks! In my opinion, family and friends are who you should be able to count on to be there for you, but I'm finding out that sometimes they're the first ones to bail, which makes you feel worse.....all the more reason it's good you're here....people do not bail out on you ever!
What you don't need is someone screaming and yelling at you for what you don't have any control over right now. It's not like we woke up one day and said, "Oh good, I think today I'll start living depressed from here on out". You didn't mention that you have anxiety or panic attacks, so if you don't have those two things on top of the depression you're really lucky. When my worst depression moods kick in, part of the time I'll just sit in one spot and don't want to move because I can't think of anything I want to do feeling that way anyway. But sometimes I do the opposite by making myself get up off my butt and start moving around and getting busy with anything even if I really don't want to because it takes my mind to someplace else and that does seem to help me. Kind of like working off the depression by running it off like you would on a treadmill.
One other thing is that if you aren't seeing a professional counselor, it wouldn't hurt for you to try that route. A counselor can't make it go away, but they can teach you some coping skills and start working on getting to the root of what has gotten you to the point you are now.
I hope this helps at least a little bit. Just keep coming back here and letting others know how you're feeling and you need some support, and believe me, you'll get it! Sunshine!
wow, im new to this and you people sound like great helpers. Im sorry about everything thats going on. I see myself in a lot of what you said, if not now then in my past. Ive been through and am going through a lot of what you are. If you arent involved in church, I would recommend it. My faith in Christ has got me through a lot and has kept me from going places and doing things that would have just caused me more pain.
I suffer from BPD, depression, some anxiety, and bipolar. Ive dealt with a mixture of these things for about 6 years. I went through high school with these problems (or at least some of them, my diagnoses have all come at different times). I know its hard when you think of yourself as if you are a monster. I sometimes feel as if I am. You just want to do what is right but your emotions overwhelm you over things that most people would roll off their shoulders and think of it as nothing, or not a big deal. Then they dont understand why youre so upset and no matter how much you try to explain, you simultaneously feel like they dont understand and hurt them. We dont want to hurt the people we care about. Why do we? I think its partially due to our mixed up perception of things that is characteristic of us.
I myself am seeking out therapy because this has gone for a while and I want to stop hurting and hurting others. I encourage you to do the same.
If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. Send me a message. I want to help. Speaking of helping, volunteer work (animal shelters, churches, schools, etc) is a great way to pick up your mood. Focusing on the needs of others will make you feel more accomplished, like a better person (as opposed to a terrible person), and will distract you from your problems (like Eventually Sunshine was saying about the treadmill and making yourself do things) and maybe even calm you.