Ok, I finished my treatments in May, I'm healthy and physically I feel great. I'm 41, work out every day, and I'm in better shape than guys less than half my age. You'd think that would be enough but I can't help it - every itch, every lump, every cough causes immediate panic. I have trouble sleeping at night because I have nightmares about chemo treatments and how sick they made me, or have nightmares about it coming back and this time not beating it.
I almost got sick on the bus ride home the other night because the lady that sat down next to me was chewing mint gum (I tried chewing mint gum during my first few chemo treatments to help mask the taste and I still can't stand the smell or taste of mint, or black licorice - tried that too without success). At first she gave me a "try and make me" look when I politely asked her to spit it out, but she became much more understanding when I told her I was going to puke all over her (and why) if she didn't get rid of it quickly. It was a conversation I would have rather not had with a total stranger....
At times I feel like I'm losing my mind and going crazy. I thought by now some of these fears and quirks would have started to go away, but they seem to actually be getting worse. Anyone else have any of these problems, and if so how did you get thru it? Did it just fade with time???
I am sure that this is a life changing event in your day to day. I hope that you are getting the best of care and that you were told what to look out for. It is understandable to react as you have but so long as you are trying to do all the right things you should feel great. Here are some sites I came across and hope they are of help to you.www.everydayhealth.com and www.forums.lymphoma.com
Sounds like you have a bit of what I had after first line treatment. Relax, you'll be just fine. The longer you are away from chemo the more you will forget about it. I'm finally noticing my sense of smell diminishing -- everything made me ill for quite a while, too.
If you are working out every day, and eating well, that's the best thing you can do for your mind and body. I started working out again one month after my stem cell transplant, and now I'm back to where I used to be.
For me, weekly therapy with a therapist that specializes in chronic illness really helps me to deal with the thoughts of relapse. Hang in there, soon it will all be far behind you!
Dadof3
NyGirl is right the longer you are away from kemo and are in remission it subsides Iam a 16 yr servivor of stem cell transplant stage 3bHL, Today my family holds their breath when I have a check up. Go back to living your life and put those thoughts in the back of ur mind. Life its self is a gamble everyday.
Dadof3,
I'm not going to placate you about this (sorry, not that the other posts did), cause I'm right dead smack in the middle of it too. It's horrid because as well as the memories, nausea, fear and myriad of other emotions you are plagued with this consensus that you are on a timeline to get over "this stuff".
Even the most understanding member of my family has said to me that I should be starting to move on from this stuff. I too finished in May of last year. She says that I seem to walk around as though I still have cancer... but I can no more get rid of it now that I could when I was diagnosed. Why do some people refuse to believe that often our bodies are out of our control and our thoughts unsettle us as much as they. In this experience, our self-control and mental diciplane has been honed, don't you think we would dispell these hauntings if we could.
I too have triggers which have made me phsically ill. Nothing worse than vomiting in a food court because the person next to you has a tomato sandwich. Just writing about it nearly makes me dry-retch. And then that trigger is associated to the exact nausea feeling I had during chemo. It's a viscious burden that is not relieved when that PET comes back clean. We must wear it as we have worn everything else this year, as best we can and most importantly... in our own manner and pace.
I don't know about you, but I cannot move on just because someone on the other side of this hell has told me to. All I have begun to do is keep it inside, because even the most patient person will strain eventually. Hence, blogging and journal writing.
You have come further along than alot of people, you at least recognise what's happening and why. This is a big step.
Don't know whether it works but someone once suggested to me, if thinking about certain things make me ill can I ever find something that soothes me as it might have when I was being treated? Water icypoles, lemonade flavour. Chilled lemon iced tea. Clear chicken soup, without the chicken. Salted crackers. I'll get back to you on that one...
Wow I'm so glad that I read this because I just completed chemo in Sept. and I had a clean Pet in December but I'm still always thinking about it coming back and like Dadof3 every itch or lump or even the fatigue has me thinking that it's returning I thought I was just being paranoid. I don't know when this will stop but it's good to know that I'm not the only one.
Ms.P
You are so not alone believe me I have been in remission for 16 yrs and i still think of this diease cause we all know no matter how long you have been in remission it can always sneak back in for a peak. I chosse not to think I choose to live, when I live I dont think about what might happen. Its about living after we have cancer. So live on with no regrets and dance like no one is watching. Stand Strong the feeling will get better.
Kim