Help

I'm starting to think that maybe its possible I might have an eating disorder. I'm posting this because maybe if you have had an eating disorder and this sounds like what you went through, this could help me out a bit.
First of all, I've always been "smaller" than everyone else. I'm rather short and petite. Even as a kid, I remember I feared being fat. I dreaded the thought of it. But even through that, I still ate what I want and didn't care about my pants size and, jeez, could you just drop me off at McDonalds so I could please get a milkshake?
But now, my weight is constantly on my mind. I want flat, toned abs and all I see is disgusting stomach. I feel disgusting pretty much most of the time. I weigh --- pounds, the last time I checked I was ---. I'm ----
I hate eating. I find myself thinking I'd rather eat ice than a bowl of cereal, though I do stick with the bowl of cereal....with much regret when I feel how disgusting my stomach is. Going out to eat is something else I'm dreading, though thats a new thing. I want to work out more, and am disappointed in myself because I don't as often as I would like too.
Weight...weight...weight...weight...how much do I weigh? Should I eat this? Should I have eaten this? Should I skip eating that BECAUSE I ate this?
What is going on???

Hi kye-sceelo

I want to say welcome to this support group. What you have described does sound like an eating disorder. Especially since your weight is so low.

I do also want to inform you that this is a recovery site so we do try to have no indications of numbers of any sort such as weight and calories because that can be very triggering to the members of this group.

Its really good you came here. You obviously knew something was wrong and came here to figure it out. To Recover. Keep writing here. It is a great support system! You should probably see if you can also find other help, maybe a therapist or even telling a friend or a parent.

Good Luck

allee

Thank you!
Sometimes I feel like if I tell someone they'll think I'm making it up. :/

Kye,
No one is going to think that. I know its a really scary concept telling someone, but really it is one of the best things I ever did for myself. Not only do you get everything you have been bottling up. The first/second time I was sick, I told my boyfriend and he was the most supportive person. He got me through everything! And I have also told friend who are equally supportive and want anything for me to be better. What surprised me the most was even though I though I was fooling everyone, everyone already knew on some level. Is there anyone in your life like a friend, boyfriend, or possibly even parent you can confide in? Are you still in school- and could go to a school psychologist or therapist?

allee

allee -
The only person I could think of telling is my best friend.
A part of me keeps telling me that I should delete this whole thing because I don't quite believe it myself. I feel like I'm lying, and if I tell people they will think I am too. But another part of me is the total opposite of that.
Was it this complicated for you too?

Kye

That's awesome you have s best friend to talk to! Telling my boyfriend was very nerve wracking but it was amazing to feel some of the weight come off my shoulders.... stand up to that voice telling you you're lying because it isn't true. You deserve to be happy and healthy Kyle!

Thank you for the support! I feel like I came to the right place!

I completely know the conflict you are feeling. But obviously you are feeling there is something wrong. Thats why you came here. But on top of that you are underweight, which is quite a big sign. Even if you weren't underweight, that doesn't nessessarily mean that you dont have an eating disorder. Many people who believe that are completely ignorant. But I am willing to bet that your friend would believe you and all she or he wants to do is help. They may even know.

Telling someone is one of the scariest things to do, but after your done it gets so much off your chest. The reaction youll get is often so much better than you can imagine.

Good Luck and keep writing!

allee

kye...welcome, and thank you for sharing! As you can see, you have found a very supportive and understanding group of people!
Allee is right on about how others can't truly understand all that an eating disorder is about, so they often dismiss it. YOU know that something is not right, and the way you are obsessed about worried about your weight also signifies this. Because you are in a state of 'starvation', this is adding to your difficulties with the obsessions about food, etc.
What is going on?....you have an eating disorder...it's not your fault, but you need to seek some help.
I also deleted the numbers from your original post...as allee shared, we ask that no numbers be used.
Please keep sharing....and know that you are 'heard' here....Jan ♥

I binge and don't know how to stop. Any tricks out there? I'm orally fixated...sigh...