Hi I am new to the group and it is truly bittersweet glad to have found that I am not alone in tis situation but I am equally disappointed that I have to be here. I have been married for 13 months but we have been together for 11 years we have 2 children together. I discovered his affair 2 days ago. I found text messages from 2 different females when I first confronted him he denied it but later admitted that they were only talking and that he had not slept with either of them. He told me it had only been going on for about 2 or 3 weeks. I don't know where to start to forgive or get over this. I feel like I have a child I feel as if I need to check his phone and demand him to cut them out of his life, but I keep thinking do I have that right? I can't help thinking why did he do this why was I not enough. Someone please help me my friends don't understand why I would stay I don't understand it myself because I deserve so much better don't I?
Hi tate-you do deserve much better & you husband's affair was not at all your fault. I have no idea why people cheat on their spouses-but from personal experience (my husband has cheated on me in the past) I know how horrible it feels to have someone do that to you.I know how once cheated on-you lose trust in that person, want to treat them like a child (check phone etc), and question everything they say (did he really not sleep with them etc).
I would recommend taking a little time to calm down & process what happened. I think your husband needs to be honest about everything (if he has not been honest with you) in order to overcome this. I do not know what would be best for you-in terms of either forgiving your husband or divorcing-but I would recommend maybe seeing a couple's counselor. Marriages can survive infidelity but it is hard & long process that takes both people being open & honest about their problems & mistakes. I understand how you might feel torn because you are angry at your husband but might want to try to work things out for your child's sake. I am sure in time you will figure out what is best for you & your family. I am truly sorry you are going through this & if you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. I stayed with my husband after he cheated on me (also bc we had kids) but we are still working out our isssues & i have a difficult times trusting him in certain situations-so we are a work in progress & i can not offer too much personal wisdom other than I know how you feel & I hope you can work things out whatever is best for you,
Excellant job Marisol, tate would be wise to continue discussing your feelings instead of chasing a dragon wearing yourself out checking on him as that will only create more issues/resentment later on for both of you, if hes willing to work through this experience w/you & find answers as to why he turned away from his partner instead of turning towards his partner then the two of you will turn this situation around in time for a stronger, secure, more mature relationship in the future.
Keep talking it out honey, we're listening to you.
April
Tate: My husband cheated on me several years ago. I decided that the one thing I didn't want to do is check up on him. We reconciled, but he continued elusive behavior through all the following years, or at least what I perceived to be elusive, and I know I was hypersensitive. We are divorcing now. The minute I filed, he 'accidently' sent a text that was meant for his newest girlfriend to our 9 year old daughter. How long he had been cheating this second time, I will never know. I believe infidelity can be overcome. I overcame it and had 7 more reasonably fulfilling years with my husband. Sometimes I think the fact that I stayed gave him permission to do it again. I am sorry for your pain.
Thank you all for your comments and support. My husband swears he is willing to work it out and for the past couple of days I have been struggling more and more because one of the women he works with and while him working overtime is not out of the ordinary I feel the need to question his taking extra hours now. He tells me he is no longer talking to either of the women but how do I believe him, when he lied about talking to them period. How do I know he is really no longer talking to these women? He gets upset with me because I question what he is doing and why or where he is going? I don't want to cause anymore issues in our marriage but I can't help but feel as if this wouldn't be a problem of he wouldn't have lied.
First of all, YOU are not the one who is causing problems in the marriage. HE is. If he is getting upset with you that you are asking his whereabouts, then he is defending his behavior, which is a red flag. He made the mess, and if he wants to stay in a happy marriage, he will have to be an open book to you for as long as it takes for you to feel secure again. I suppose that in this economy, leaving his job for another one is out of the question. Plus, if he gets defensive over you questioning little things, he is not likely to be up for doing something big, like leaving his job. You are in a tough spot. I have kicked myself a bit lately over the free reign I gave my husband all these years after he cheated. But in the end, I still do not want to have to check up on him. That way of life is anxiety provoking, almost as much as finding out there is someone else. I believe my husband has made a lifestyle choice. He wants the numbing that he gets from being with someone who demands nothing of him and he has no responsibilities to. As heartbroken as I am to be in this position at my age (47), I know he is not going to do the work it would take to make a change in his core values and how he copes with stressors in his life. He is 54. We have a 9 year old daughter, and she needs to know that fidelity is an important value. Although I do not discuss this mess with her, she was the recipient of a graphic text from her dad to the 'lady' he is screwing, so she gets that there is another woman in her dad's life besides Mommy. She, at such a young age, knows it is wrong. Just two days ago, my daughter casually mentioned that Lisa called Dad's cell phone while they were driving. Her name came up on the caller i.d. My kid is not stupid. She gets it. I am struggling with moving on, struggling with missing him terribly, struggling with low self-esteem as a result of all of this, and trying to get through it moment by moment. Lots of sleepless nights, lots of crying, , horrible visuals in my brain, many panic attacks. Our divorce will be final in less than 3 weeks.
It has been less then a week since I found out and confronted him about the conversations with these other females and he immedetiatly put in for a transfer at work. When I ask for his phone he gives it to me to check it. He has since gotten rid of all of his social networking sites (not at my request) I just wanted him to delete and block the people who were inappropriate. He does admit he was wrong in turning to these other women for his emotional needs. I do have panic attacks and I have started talking in my sleep again. I do realize that while most of the blame is on him (80%) I will accept my part in this too I did take him for granted and I am in no way justifying what he has done but I get it I feel taken for granted too and while I have never looked for affirmation outside of our relationship I could see how it becomes appealing. We are going to start counseling even though he doesn't believe in it he is willing to do it for our marriage. While I feel it is good that our marriage is that important to him I wonder if it will be truly beneficial.
I am so happy that your husband is willing to work hard on your marriage. Honestly, I use to think counseling wouldn't help anything but it has helped to have an objective person to talk too. Your husband sounds like he is trully sorry & that is a wonderful step in the right direction. Best of luck to you both!
I am also glad that your husband agreed to counseling. Your marriage has hope. My husband refused counseling, and I know that without it, there is a 100% guarantee that he will turn outside the marriage again and again when stress crops up and he can't cope. I am trying with every breath in my body to get moving forward, but each moment is a struggle at this point, and I am feeling hopeless right now about every feeling better again.
Tate, first thing your husband must be is transparent in aspects of his life to you. How else is he ever going gain trust back from you? You have to be able to give it to him but still are completely within your rights as his wife to ask at anytime for his phone or any other questions you may have and he must be completely open and honest without being offended. He must remember he broke your trust not the other way around. Counseling is a good thing, as a couple and as individuals if you can swing it. You both should be able to talk constructively about what you have learned about yourselves and and how it can make the marriage a better one. It takes complete commitment from both for it to work though. You both need to sit down and both agree on what your expectations are from the marriage are from this point on. Give it a timeline if you have to; that way you know that both parties are progressing toward the same goals. Don't be afraid to remind him of when his behavior starts revert to the way it was as he should be doing the same for you; all in a calm and tactiful, loving manner. Your going to hurt for a long time because of his infidelity but it's the betrayal that gets you the most. Don't ever forget it as it a valueable lesson to be learned from and if you don't; history will surely repeat itself.
Good luck to you and your husband, my prayers are with you.
Hi Lego: I see you posted a pic of you and your family, but it is so small that I can't tell what anyone looks like. Nice advice above. I am glad to see that you are feeling good enough to offer thoughts about infidelity to another person. My daughter casually told me a couple nights ago that when she was out with Daddy, his cell rang and it was Lisa. Lisa is the trash that my husband sought out when he broke from the family on May 12. I thought this was done and over and that his attempts at reconciliation were somewhat sincere. I can't actually say he is still seeing this lady, but I have to assume he is. She will have sex with him, (and anyone else with a ****), but I will not unless and until he goes to counseling with me. We are at a dead stop with everything. I am so sad and in such a state of panic as I sit here. This has been a horrible week. My vacation was overrun with thoughts of my failed marriage.
Hi first of all I must say thank you all your support in this difficult time has been so great and much needed. My husband and I hope are making progress he sent the no contact email today after being caught still talking to one of the girls, once he realized that it had to be completely done if he wanted to save our marriage. I feel like we can finally start to mend our relationship. He has changed his number and we will start counseling on Monday the 25th he says he is determined to show me this is where he wants to be. Although for a bit I felt like a bit of a nag because I had to stay on him about the email and I was always reminding him of how it hurt me I think he finally understands. I am hoping that this situation will help us to grow stronger as husband and wife. I do have a question have any of you ever been in contact with the other woman? I spoke with one and she was very nice about the situation she said they had never met it was just good to have someone to talk to. However the other girl was a different story she sent me an email saying very harsh things and when I texted her from his phone telling her he was married she told me to let her see my marriage certificate. Have any of you run into a situation like this how do you deal with out right disrespect? I must add my husband addressed the way she spoke to me in his email he was very clear that it was not ok.
Tate: Years ago when my husband was having an affair while we were legally separated, I accidently met the other woman. She had called me. He of course was lying to her about being in the process of divorce, which we never were. I was out running, no makeup, sweating, but feeling very good about myself. She was in fake nails, tons of makeup, and going to meet him for a date! I actually told her "I can see why he would escape with you. You are very attractive. Enjoy your evening." I did not flinch. She wanted a huge cat fight. I held my head up and walked away. Needless to say, she ripped the **** out of him that night, and was suddenly no longer the escape he was seeking. We reconciled within less than two months after that encounter. By the way, she was not attractive at all.