Her perception vs mine

Begin rant.

In the past few weeks I have gained a few pounds... my pants fit a little bit tighter, I can feel a little bit extra around my hips. And it feels disgusting. When I look in the mirror the only thing I see are hips. The only thing I notice is how disproportionate my body is. I don't feel good, I don't like the way I look or feel. It's maddening, really.

Then today I was buying a few groceries for a potluck tonight and I ran into an old friend. We were talking about how amazing avocados are, and she said to me, "Well, you can certainly afford to pig out on some guacamole."

I was amazed that her perception of my body does not match mine at all. She thinks I am thin and would benefit from some extra eating. I, on the other hand, feel uncomfortably overweight and would love to see those "extra" pounds fall right off.

I don't understand when my distorted vision will begin to change! I am overall doing so well with my recovery, but I just can't understand why I can't see the same body that other people see.

End rant.

Heather,

Ah... I was wondering the same thing this morning myself!! :)

The last few days, I have struggled with following my meal plan. Yesterday, I didn't make it... I've been beating myself up, trying to figure out WHY? WHAT do I feel? WHAT am I thinking? I don't know! In my appointment with my nutritionist this morning, she suggested that it's possible that I'm simply not as hungry right now, and that those fluctuations in hunger are a normal part of the monthly cycle. Okay... But if I accept that, then why did I also see a huge body in the reflection of the door? Ahhhh... I WANT to believe that it's all physical, and I can't identify the ED mindset because it isn't present. But I know it's there, even if I don't fully recognize it... If it was simply a matter of hunger, I could have eaten through those feelings. Today, I started driving towards "lunch" several times, only to turn around and park again, unable to even think about eating. My ED is acting up. I'm not sure what to do about it...

When will it STOP? I don't know... I actually thought it was close... And now it's letting me know it's still here... Reasserting itself... All I DO know is to keep working... Keep pressing forward. Keep doing the hard work and introspection. And HOPE that all the pieces WILL fall into place. HOPE that the obsessions will stop... PEACE!!! We deserve it!! ♥

Love,

Jen

Jen: I know it’s not easy and while you might feel like you are sliding backwards, you are not! You are still processing your thoughts and feelings like a recovered person. (“a recovered person”?: not sure that is the best verbiage but you know what I mean)
You might just be having normal monthly hormonal fluctuations… that happens when your weight gets back in the normal range. When I was in menapause, I felt like that every day for 3 years… felt fat, thought I was fat, etc.
I hope this smooths out for you and I know it will! I am totally impressed with how you deal with all this
Love to you!

MH....I don't know if anyone ever 'sees' themselves the same as others see them. The whole body 'image/perspective' issue is huge for any of us who have ever struggled with an eating disorder, but I think it's also a common 'woman' issue in general. The big difference for me is that I can look at my body and it isn't 'who' I am, it's where I live, so to speak, and while I don't love my shape, I don't need to love my shape to be happy. Does that make sense? I have days that I think I'd like certain parts of my body to look different, but then I think "why"? I truly believe that your perspective will be more rational in time, but more than that, you won't care so much.
This is a great topic. Thanks for bringing this up...take care...Jan ♥

Jen...many changes going on for you. I'm not surprised that the ED is 'acting up'. I think immediately of the importance of 'mechanical eating' at times like this, when the emotional piece starts messing with our hunger cues. The pieces will fall into place. Just think of the work you have done and the progress you have made....:) Jan ♥

hi miss heather, i know exactly how you feel ...since ive been in recovery for months now--ive had several relapses, all which wrecked havoc on my metabolism and caused a rollercoaster ride of weight gain and loss...my flunctuation is unreal and i go through so many different clothes each time...ughh...recently i gained weight---i coulndt stand it at all---i felt horrible and disguisting--and one of my fiancees family members told me i was just perfect --when i commented on what a cow i was. she told my fiancee i looked great and that i was not at all huge(like i thought) and my fiancee said--now do you beleive me when i say you are not fat??? do you know the answer insdie my head??? no..i still think i am a cow...i dont know if that ll change or thatll take a long time to overcome.... this is a hard thing for me to understand --what we see in the mirror---and why it is distorted...i dont get it...
i really dont ...
ill never understand--but to my brain---i am hideous and like--yuck....even when i am a normal weight and healthy i am still--just not good enough or below par. even when people say im beautiful i sort of like shake my head and dont understand that....i really wish to change these thoughts--for it does leave me depressed and ruins my life....hopefully one day ill get there...

and just not look back and enjoy life--that i would love...

love
maureen

Maureen: I know how hard it is to believe what other's tell you. It frustrates everyone because we can't see ourselves as others do: Just keep trusting yourself and your body. No one knows you better than you! Keep up with your recovery and believe that it will get easier!
Love to you!

thanks so much my sweet friend,

love
maureen

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Jan, I especially liked when you said that your body isn't who you are, it's where you live. That really speaks to me. I might start using that.

I guess all we can do is just keep pushing forward and treating our bodies with kindness no matter how we are feeling.

Well said, Heather. :)