So for about... 4 days or so, I decided I wanted to try eating with my hunger. Eating when I'm hungry, not planning out a meal plan...I was just sick of it. Sick of never eating and satisfying a hunger, but eating because I have to, and eating past being full (my schedule, if you recall, causes me at times to have meals within short periods of time).
I also got into the coke zero again....never helps because it either ruins my appetite or makes me binge. Plus it keeps me up till ungodly hours of the night (morning).
I was also on my period, which means bloating (yuk)
What has this all lead to? Weight loss. I don't weigh myself everyday...I actually forgot I bought a scale. But I was curious yesterday and was not happy (but slightly) with the weight loss. The last two nights I binged because of it...almost purged last night. Almost. Instead I settled with a terrible amount of laxatives. So I guess, I still listened to the bulimia. I know laxatives are horrible...especially in high amounts, but it's the one thing that I don't seem to care about. It's just a pill...how much can it hurt me? That's my mentality. And (so far?) it hasn't done anything else to me physically, besides on occasion given me terrible runs and gas.
What CAN they do to me physically?
So now it's time to start again. I'm not happy. I was going with my hunger so am I meant to weigh less than my goal weight? I'm not underweight. Though admittedly I did eat lighter. Hmph.
I'm not used to trying to maintain. I haven't done it in years. I'm either gaining or losing. I still need to re-learn regular meals I suppose. Not light ones, and not heavy ones, but the middle. Aaargh!
It's like when maintaining comes, my brain thinks, "Well obviously you have to eat LESS than what you were before, or else you'll gain" ...and then it gets out of control at every meal, thinking less, less less. And then it's like, once I lose weight, I have permission to EAT again.
I want to break out of it...suggestions?
But alas, tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to plan, plan, plan and make sure I'm getting what I need in. Re-gain the progress I made. From there the real challenge begins. Maintenance.
HOWEVER! I got my haircut yesterday and feel quite pretty :)
I get to hang out with a friend tomorrow as well see my boyfriend at night (and his mom is letting him stay late!)
And my cat is currently cuddling beside me in the cutest ball while purring :) I love him
Paige,
I am so proud of you for recognizing what you were doing before it brought you back to the very beginning. Thats such a good sign that ED's hold on you is getting looser. Almost your whole post was in a positive light, which is not easy to do when ED is around.
I loved that you wrote "And then it's like, once I lose weight, I have permission to EAT again." That really resonated with me. That was my life for over a year and it was miserable. You have to do your best to completely avoid the urge to lose weight. We can all feel when our body switches to "weight loss mode" as I call it and thats when the voice returns. Maintenance is so important right now because its the only way to deal with the emotional aspect of this disease.
I'm proud of you for only letting ED in for 4 days. Thats HUGE! Thank you for reaching out here because we all know just what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck!
I know that cycle... It seems like I've ALWAYS either been gaining or losing. I've never known how to maintain... And yet, I have been. And I haven't binged since March. And I've been resisting restriction for the most part, which is amazing! It's a delicate balance, and it takes time to learn what our bodies want and need. After teaching ourselves to ignore our own hunger cues, it is very difficult to start feeling them again. I know it's terribly uncomfortable to have to eat when you don't want to, but that truly IS what you need right now. Not forever... Just until your body can get used to the "right" amount. :) If you need proof, just look at what happened when you tried to eat "normally" too soon! The way we naturally fall into restriction, even when we fail to recognize it as such, leads to those terrible binges and the desperation to compensate...
Laxatives, I hope you know, are terribly damaging to your body... I have fortunately never taken them, but I know MANY friends here that have been sucked into that particular trap. And the agony of quitting them seems to speak volumes of the damage they do...
Stay strong, Paige! I know you want to be better NOW... Patience... ♥ Keep planning your meals. Someday you truly won't have to. :)
Hello, I do not believe I have written to you before, so hello and welcome :) I have not been able to write much lately but happened to be reading this morning and the post raised some red flags.
Laxative abuse can cause serious health complications. Although it may provide some short term mental relief laxatives really do not purge you of food but rather of water, minerals and electrolytes. Dangerous fluid imbalances can occur from a single laxative 'purge'. These include sodium imbalances which can lead to nervous system instability such as confusion, headaches and even seizures. Losing too much Potassium can stop your heart!! Over time if you continue to abuse laxatives your colon could take longer to empty causing serious problems with constipation and could even put you at risk for Irritable bowel syndrome and even colon infections.
I agree with Jen that while you may mentally want to try intuitive eating, it appears you are not quite ready as you are still struggling with weighing and under eating which is leading to binges, which granted can still happen as you evolve into intuitive eating. I hear your ED when you say "am I meant to weigh less than my goal weight?". Is this your personal goal weight or the weight set by professionals? I would caution that when you try and mess with a goal weight that is recommended by treatment, that you’re eating disorder is at risk of surfacing and trumping others goals for treatment.
In the mean time, be gentle with yourself and get back to the meal planning. And perhaps leave the weighing to your doctor or therapist? The number may hold too much power right now and spin you into ED thoughts, rationalizing the irrational.
oh paige----trust me when i say yes laxatives are dangerous! very--ok case and point---look what happened to me in the last week--blood in my stool, and tons of fluid loss and severe dizziness-my doctor couldnt even believe i was standing up! ANYTHING THAT MESSES WITH YOUR ELECTROLYTLES is very dangerous and can stop your heart. it can also cause ulcers, ulcers in your colon which are highly deadly, colon cancer, stomach cancer, digestive disorders or---iflammatory bowel disorders like crohns or my condition which is hell--IBS. and yes i think it was a result of my ED . and let me be the first to say how god awful it is! plain awful! when your colon dosnt work right--oh paige--your life is completly turned upside down and you end up spending most your time on the --toilet-ha. it is true is is bad.
the same thing happens to me when i lose wieght paige---oo that ED voice kicks in big time--and says wow--dont you look better lke this? and it is hard to fight back and say no--i look better healthy( especially when you doubt it)
but just keep coming back with a battle plan against it.
ok--for maintaining--all i can say is keep with your meal plan. be consistent! it works--and you will maintain! consstent eating and not starving will make you maintain! it will.
if you starve trust me-you will kill your metabolism --and when i mean kill i mean kill your metabolism. and you will end up at a higher weight than normal. either that or you will end up fluctuating like crazy which is what happened to me . i was flunctuating so bad in the begginnning and middle of the year i went to a thyroid doctor and she told me my metabolism was just going nuts and trying to settle back into normal. she said it would take months to do so. and finally --it did--and even though i do flunctuate now it isnt as bad.
the key here ---is restriciting will lead you into a hell of yo yo deiting and destroy your metabolism and lead you to a much higher wieght than if you eat normally.
it really is the opposite of what you hear on t.v.--which is alll lies. eat well, and you will maintain. eat less--and you will ---strangely enough--flunctuate or gain.
the body is smart and you cannot outfool it. it will protect itself any which way it can.
Thank you all for your comments :) I've got myself a good solid meal plan today and so far I'm doing fantastic!
But OH MY GOD! I'm freaking out about the laxative abuse!! I've been doing it since... grade 10! So this would be my fourth year using it, and one year of high abuse. I'm so scared...I don't want cancer! Do you think I have it? How long does it take to get there? I'm so so scared I'm freaking out here. I never want to touch a laxative again. I've decided I'm going cold turkey.
I always come up with some excuse to quit but then something comes up and I tell myself I don't want to be uncomfortable so I cave and take more laxative to alleviate the pain...This week it would be my gold belt grading on Saturday...my mind is telling me, you don't want to be in pain, do you? But my health comes first. And I've also heard you gain weight when you get off it?! AH! Serious?! I'm so scared right now...I want to cry but I'm too anxious.
paige--breath--ha! youll be ok--but yes if you keep doing this and taking laxatives you will end up in trouble--BUT dont beleive you have something NOW. i fyou want yo can get it checked out but just stop taking them. now--if yo uhave a regularity problem like me--- the doc does give me somethign fo rthat cuz my nerves in my colon do not function anymore --which is IBS. now dotn worry you may not have that but if you do feel the need to get checked out then do so. but i would not worry about it.
just be careful you do not abuse them for it is dangerous and spending so much time curing my colon is sooooo exhausting. ugh... trust me.
but dont worry abou tit and understand the consequences...
and paige--YOU WONT GIAN WEIGHT WHEN YOU STOP TAKING THEM. just eat lots of fiber veggies and fruit--and you should be fine. and if you feel like getting checked out, do so..
Thank you for calming my nerves Maureen ♥
I know there will be some TEMPORARY weight gain if I get constipated, but I just have to keep reminding myself that it is not real weight and it will be good in the end.
I NEED this for full recovery, and it is the one thing I've been still afraid to let go of. But it's time to now. Because I'm so done with it all.
I think I'll go for a check up just in case, let my doctor know what's going on and see if he has any recommendations for me to help ease the discomfort.
Do you mind if I ask how long you abused laxatives for, and how long it has taken you to ween off them to where you are now? Some of the symptoms you've experienced? If you don't feel comfortable that's okay too :) ♥
Thanks so much for all your help...this has always been the one thing I'm to afraid to confront...and now it's one of the only things left so I'm forced to.
So sorry to hear you're struggling. I know what you mean about the lose-gain cycle, and especially about the mentality that maintenance means not gaining which means eating less each day. That's a deadly one, and tough to fight. But you *know* it's not true (I know, I know, that doesn't make it any easier, but at least it's a start, right?). And ditto with the idea that losing weight equals permission to eat again--which somehow never seems to work for me! It's always just about as hard to eat... Hmmm... :-/
At any rate, I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from, but you're stronger than this and I know you're going to make it through. :-)
I am so sorry you have had a few bad days Paige! But look at what you have done yet again! You have turned negativity into positivity! How do you do that?
I am happy you want to stop using laxatives. They don't really do much. Though I never really abused them because I hated the effects of them, I can't say I know from experience but I know medically that they don't really help you lose actual weight- just water weight.
But Honestly I am so proud of you! This is a great break through. You are truly my inspiration :)