Hey guys, I'm new to the group. I'm a 42 year old male, married, am considered "Class I Obese" (BMI : 33.6), however I'm working on losing the weight.
When my wife & I first met I was very underweight. I was one of those guys who could just eat and eat and eat, without gaining a single pound. When I met my wife (then girlfriend), we used to eat out a lot. Nothing fancy; just a lot of McDonald's and Burger King really. I didn't realize it then, but my body was changing. I slowly started putting on the pounds. We married two years later and by that time I was considered a normal weight.
We've been married for 20 years now and I'm a big boy now. Slowly through the years, our sex life has diminished to almost nada. She blames it on both my obesity and on my having a vasectomy 16 years ago after our second child was born. We're very open and honest with each other, and she has vocalized numerous times that she believes it's more so due to the vasectomy, but she still encourages me to lose the weight so we're both on the same page there. She said ever since I had it done (the vasectomy), she's noticed my libido has dropped.
Here's the thing. I don't have a problem getting an erection. I don't have a problem ejaculating. For this reason, I don't think my ED is a physical issue, but I'm still working on losing the weight because I'm sure that's not helping matters either. Something I've expressed to my wife (over the years) is that she's very domineering. She knows this, our kids know this.....I know this.
We have very open & frank discussions. I feel that I'm unable to have sex anymore with her because there's a lot of negative energy between us. Case in point : We bought two dogs a few years ago. I had those dogs since they were puppies. Now she comes from Pakistan (we're a South Asian family). Our kids & I, were born in Canada, so our belief system is quite different from hers but....I was (and still am) very attracted to her (physically), and I do love her.
In Pakistan, dogs are considered a "dirty" animal. Ever since we had the dogs, she's been at my throat to get rid of them. The kids loved them, as did I. She & I fought so many days and nights, until I finally caved and sold them. I sold them about a year ago. To this day, there hasn't been one single day where I haven't thought about them and hated myself for giving into her demands (to get rid of them). My only consolation is knowing that the woman I sold them to agreed to keep them together (one male & one female), and she is a very sweet lady. She sends me updates of my babies (with pictures).
I find myself struggling to get past the resentment I feel towards her. And I've expressed this as openly to her, as I'm expressing it online here. Just last night, she wanted to fool around. I'm not selfish. She has needs to, so....we snuggled a bit (hugging, kissing, etc.), then I proceeded to orally pleasure her (this is a one-way deal; she does not reciprocate, it's not her thing) and when we fool around and I hear her moaning, I instantly get an erection. But as soon as we get to sex....I lose my erection. I just don't want to have sex with her. I told her I can't get past her domineering ways.
Every time we have this discussion, her response is always the same : "Get over it. They're just dogs. They're dirty and stink up the house. Why can't you be like other men who are dying for sex?" But it's not just the dogs which is getting in the way of how I look at her. It's everything else. If she can't control any given situation, she becomes extremely stichy (Not really "stitchy"; just dont' want to upset the profanity filters). Her favourite tactic is to yell and scream. My father was a yeller, so I'm not a fan of yelling.
She's adamant that my sexual difficulties are due to the vasectomy, but I think I just can't deal with her strong personality any more. Bringing myself to ejaculation (via masturbating) is not an issue, which is why I don't think my "problem" is physical.
I'm sorry I dropped all of that info. into your lap, but I didn't want to skip anything as, from what I understand, ED can be caused by psychological issues as well. Now that I've given you the whole story....do you think a prescription drug like Viagara or Cialis can help me?