Hey guys, I'm new to the group. I'm a 42 year old male, marr

Hey guys, I'm new to the group. I'm a 42 year old male, married, am considered "Class I Obese" (BMI : 33.6), however I'm working on losing the weight.

When my wife & I first met I was very underweight. I was one of those guys who could just eat and eat and eat, without gaining a single pound. When I met my wife (then girlfriend), we used to eat out a lot. Nothing fancy; just a lot of McDonald's and Burger King really. I didn't realize it then, but my body was changing. I slowly started putting on the pounds. We married two years later and by that time I was considered a normal weight.

We've been married for 20 years now and I'm a big boy now. Slowly through the years, our sex life has diminished to almost nada. She blames it on both my obesity and on my having a vasectomy 16 years ago after our second child was born. We're very open and honest with each other, and she has vocalized numerous times that she believes it's more so due to the vasectomy, but she still encourages me to lose the weight so we're both on the same page there. She said ever since I had it done (the vasectomy), she's noticed my libido has dropped.

Here's the thing. I don't have a problem getting an erection. I don't have a problem ejaculating. For this reason, I don't think my ED is a physical issue, but I'm still working on losing the weight because I'm sure that's not helping matters either. Something I've expressed to my wife (over the years) is that she's very domineering. She knows this, our kids know this.....I know this.

We have very open & frank discussions. I feel that I'm unable to have sex anymore with her because there's a lot of negative energy between us. Case in point : We bought two dogs a few years ago. I had those dogs since they were puppies. Now she comes from Pakistan (we're a South Asian family). Our kids & I, were born in Canada, so our belief system is quite different from hers but....I was (and still am) very attracted to her (physically), and I do love her.

In Pakistan, dogs are considered a "dirty" animal. Ever since we had the dogs, she's been at my throat to get rid of them. The kids loved them, as did I. She & I fought so many days and nights, until I finally caved and sold them. I sold them about a year ago. To this day, there hasn't been one single day where I haven't thought about them and hated myself for giving into her demands (to get rid of them). My only consolation is knowing that the woman I sold them to agreed to keep them together (one male & one female), and she is a very sweet lady. She sends me updates of my babies (with pictures).

I find myself struggling to get past the resentment I feel towards her. And I've expressed this as openly to her, as I'm expressing it online here. Just last night, she wanted to fool around. I'm not selfish. She has needs to, so....we snuggled a bit (hugging, kissing, etc.), then I proceeded to orally pleasure her (this is a one-way deal; she does not reciprocate, it's not her thing) and when we fool around and I hear her moaning, I instantly get an erection. But as soon as we get to sex....I lose my erection. I just don't want to have sex with her. I told her I can't get past her domineering ways.

Every time we have this discussion, her response is always the same : "Get over it. They're just dogs. They're dirty and stink up the house. Why can't you be like other men who are dying for sex?" But it's not just the dogs which is getting in the way of how I look at her. It's everything else. If she can't control any given situation, she becomes extremely stichy (Not really "stitchy"; just dont' want to upset the profanity filters). Her favourite tactic is to yell and scream. My father was a yeller, so I'm not a fan of yelling.

She's adamant that my sexual difficulties are due to the vasectomy, but I think I just can't deal with her strong personality any more. Bringing myself to ejaculation (via masturbating) is not an issue, which is why I don't think my "problem" is physical.

I'm sorry I dropped all of that info. into your lap, but I didn't want to skip anything as, from what I understand, ED can be caused by psychological issues as well. Now that I've given you the whole story....do you think a prescription drug like Viagara or Cialis can help me?

Bottom line, do you love her still, do you want to have sex with her?

@CKBlossom I do love her very much, otherwise I would’ve divorced her years ago. And yes, I still want to have sex / make love to her. It’s just that, she’s too bossy. Sometimes she can get so demanding that when she asks why I’m unable to perform, I have to (kind of be rude) and say : “Getting into bed with you makes me feel like I’m gay because your personality is so domineering, it’s like I’m getting into bed with a guy.”

She knows I don’t mean to be abrasive when I say that, but it’s the truth. I feel like less of a man because everything is controlled by her. She controls when we have sex. We each sleep separately in our own bedrooms (I have both insomnia & sleep apnea), so my tossing and turning upsets her sleep, which affects her work. But on the weekends, she’ll sneak into my room for some…“fun”.

And after the snuggling, and the oral sex…that’s where I hit my wall. I’m not sure if I should turn to a shrink, or if I should try prescription ED pills.

Sex therapy should be your next step.

@CKBlossom Sex therapy? I’ve never heard of that before. Would this be a joint-effort? I ask because I’m not sure she’d be willing to attend. In her culture, sex is something that’s between husband and wife (no doctors). I hope I can get some guidance from this therapist, even if she chooses not to come (no pun intended).

I think you both need therapy, you are both dealing with things, but do what you can.

@CKBlossom Yeah I’m planning on seeing my GP this coming Friday. This has been going on for too long (years). I have needs that aren’t being met, and the same goes for her. Thank you for the suggestion. I’m feeling a bit more optimistic now. I have never heard of a sex therapist before. I know that there are psychiatrists, but I always kinda figured they were…for general issues (like depression, anxieties, etc.) Knowing that there’s a specialist in this field who won’t just dole out drugs, but kind of figure out the root cause(s) gives me hope.

unless there was like an accident or something a vasectomy is never going to cause ED that is ridicules!!

this is not a problem with ED! this is a relationship issue. if you can get and keep an erection count your blessings.


WTF. i am not being negative in any way. i did listen and i am factually addressing the things he brought up in his post and has questions about (1) you can’t get ED from a vasectomy. that is a medical fact. he brought it up in his post that she is blaming the vasectomy for the ED. (2) he says he does not have a problem getting an erection so he is correct , this is not physical ED. once again he brought it up. (3) this is a relationship issue… he said “I just don’t want to have sex with her. I told her I can’t get past her domineering ways” …so this is obviously a reaction to the emotional side of the relationship not a physical ED issue. so pills would not help, which is a question he asked…i don’t know what your problem is going to all my posts and making ridicules comments but it is immature and unproductive.

Sorry that you having to deal with this. Glad to hear you are actively pursuing weight loss. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? Here's an article about someone dealing with ED issues. Hope it sheds light on something that can help you.


@RickWman I spoke with my GP. He thinks counselling isn’t a step I should take (yet). He prescribed me Cialis instead. He suggested that therapy should be my second option if the Cialis doesn’t work for me.

No sure if you have been advised about one of the procedures that is extremely successful in the European Countries, and is relatively new in the US, but I have been using EDSWT-Erectile Dysfunction Shock Wave Therapy and I can tell you it has great success..Reach out to mee and I can give you information ...My specialist is in the Florida market, but if the procedure is worth trying to bring back the feeling of being a comlete man again, you can arrange for a meeting over a telephone consultation and see how it goes....Take Care

I have been trying to update my email address, but I’m not getting the confirmation email, and it’s not in my SPAM/JUNK folder either.

Can someone please help me???