Hey guys, just thought I'd say hi and tell you a little about my situation.
I suffer with mental illness, manic depression, PTSD, anxiety, bpd.
5 years ago I found out my husband had been forming 'inappropriate' friendships online with various women. He was arranging to meet women. I ended up taking overdoses and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks.
Well Christmas Day 2013 I found out he was at it again, but had got physical with some swinging friends, he'd exchanged pictures, videos, phone sex ever with hundreds of women on various apps. Last year when he was supposed to be fixing things he didn't bother. He moved into a mutual friends house in nov last year.
Then moved 100 miles away in feb. he started a relationship with a woman he had been secret 'just friends' with last year who's 16 years younger than him and a few years older than our eldest who's nearly 17 (we have 3 children, 16, 12 & 6). He was seeing her as in dating for about 2 months. I found out on my birthday a few weeks ago as he was out with the children who he doesn't see very often and was texting her saying he wished he was with her blah blah my 12 year old daughter saw and was very upset.
Now since then he has dumped the new girlfriend and blocked her on his phone. I have no proof only his word as he deleted all the messages because 'it's finished'. Now the last few weeks he's been up every weekend, he's been talking to me every day and actually really talking to me. He seems to be sincere and honest and says he wants to get back with me.
We were together 17 years met when I was 17.
Now I still love him and only him, I don't like being touched by anyone due to being abused when I was young but I crave his touch and only his.
I'm trying so hard to move forward and put everything behind me, to treat his 'girlfriend' as a before me but I can't get the images of them together out of my head. I know she's more attractive and has a better body than me.
So here I am, on a emotional roller coaster as I don't know what to do. I don't know how to rebuild the trust, I don't know if he really does love me and miss me and don't know why he would I mean I'm nothing special.
Trying to work through all of this on my own, process everything to figure out what I should do.
I know I love him, I know I want him, I know I don't want to be without him. But my mental health has had a proper beating recently, my self confidence has taken a nose dive as he's said some nasty things (as we all do in the heat of the moment).
Am I being silly holding onto hope? Am I being foolish thinking he can change?
The reasons for his unfaithfulness (as far as I can work out) are impotence issues, the fact that I put too much effort into helping out other people and not giving him enough attention (which I admit I do do), lack of communication and not actually spending time together pretty much living separate lives.
You need to let him go the hard part is over he is not living with you. Remember the feeling of him leaving don't go through that again he is gone focus on your healing. Surround yourself with friends and things you love it's so hard it hurts it nothing is worse then being hurt over and over again. Prayers for you!
Take care of your health, which might mean a break from him to regain your equilibrium. There's no reason for him to keep a locked phone, or have any online accounts that you can't access. In my opinion, if he act like you are being crazy or unreasonable for wanting that level of transparency then he is not joining you on the recovery journey, he's preying on you. But to get this far with those diagnoses, I'm betting you are stronger than that.
Honey, you are a strong person. I agree with HBT. But if you love him so much you must get him to face the demons in him that compel him to cheat before you can feel comfortable with him again. Full disclosure and access. Use the GPS on his phone, anything to make you feel comfortable. Insist he get counseling to find out why he must live this lifestyle. Do you think he can change honestly? Ask yourself how much more heartache are you willing to endure. You need someone to rely on not more drama. Your children are watching. Teach them not to put up with dysfunction by your not putting up with abuse. Cheating is abuse. Some people go to rape counseling to overcome the damage a cheating spouse did. A good indication of prediction of how a person is going to be is past behaviors. I caution you to not keep going back to a toxic situation. Sending you strength, hope, ((hugs)) God's peace. You are going to be in my prayers. Please post as often as you like.
Hey guys, thank you I see and understand what your saying.
It's the advice I would give someone else in the same situation.
It's hard to know if he's truly being genuine. He's never been big on communication however the last month he has talked more and I'm the one that has had to stop conversations when it goes too much and I start getting anxious.
I want to believe him, I want to mean as much to him as he means to me. But your right about the transparency I need access to his phone and various accounts like Facebook email ect. Not that it will prove he definitely isn't doing anything it would just mean that either he isn't using them OR deleting traces when I have access. Plus most can be used online so even if he doesn't have apps he could still be accessing them.
But he really does seem to have changed, before he moved away he was seeing a counciler but stopped when he moved away. He is willing to go to marriage counselling (or so he says), willing to go back counselling again, start back on his antidepressants, go on date nights and make an effort.
I'm just aware that I played a part in the breakdown of the relationship. What he did was seriously out of order and very nearly destroyed me, I started drinking every night and was abusing my medication which he's aware of. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth putting everything into this and starting from a fresh start as that really is what I want or to call it a day which I really don't want.
I also understand that I have a responsibility to my children to show them that abuse is abuse and is unacceptable. Emotional abuse, neglect, bullying is all unacceptable and that they are not to do that nor accept it being done to them.
But I'm lonely, confused, scared, he's all I know and I feel incomplete without him. I know that probably sounds pathetic and needy but we met when I'd been homeless living on the streets for 3 months when I was 17. I was in a bad way and he's always stood by me and supported me.
I'm just so lost, my heart says one thing but my head is on the cusp not knowing which way to turn.
Xxxx