Hi all. After 28 years together 24 married I caught my wife

Hi all. After 28 years together 24 married I caught my wife cheating on me sept 23, for the first few weeks she was apologetic, understanding, and committed to try to work this out. She began seeing a therapist that seems to have enabled and empowered her to think only about herself. We actually went to see this therapist together for the 2nd visit and therapist told me to basically "get over it" and stop tracking her and checking her phone records. Therapist also suggested to her in the next meeting to get her own cell phone so I wouldn't be able to check on her anymore. The past 6-8 weeks have been very rough, and I am being completely ignored and avoided by her. I usually can make it three or four days until I want her to talk about it and it always ends with a fight. I know that I have been tough on her, but I still have anger over the affair, and she has absolutely no remorse anymore, and actually blames me and our marriage problems for the affair. These would be the problems that I was unaware of, as she had never mentioned them to me. Tonight she agreed to move out tomorrow, as I told her I was done supporting her if she was not committed to working on our marriage. I'm really hurting, and I'd love to hear others thoughts. Thanks for reading my story.

1 Heart

I think you are totally within reason. Her therapist sounds like an anti-marriage feminazi. I'm sorry for your pain.

That therapist is absolutely wrong and should b fired. Unequivocally, nothing u did or didn't do was a reason for cheating. And u don't just 'get over' a trauma. This is such a deep emotional pain. It is grieving a death. The death of who u were, a death of the life u thought u had and a death of ur dreams. The brain doesn't know the difference between grieving over a life u dreamed or the life of someone u loved. It is the same. Ur wife needs to b transparent...not hiding. There is no way to rebuild trust if she does not participate in the opportunity to display trustworthy behavior to u. I am so sorry u have to b on this site. It is a hard road. This article is great and will help u: http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

1 Heart

My Thoughts – 12/5/15 - Could I get comments/opinion - Should I send this to her? Too demanding? Too harsh?
1. I am done with you dictating the way this is going to go. If you are too hard headed to talk with me and be HONEST with me, then you can leave.
2. I expect to be treated with respect and caring.
3. I would like you to acknowledge what you have done, are continuing to do, and take responsibility for it. It is time to stop worrying about whether or not I’m checking on you, reading your texts, etc. It is time to start being honest.
4. I would like you to apologize for what you have done to us each and every time I am struggling, I cannot hear it enough, and it is your fault. I will not take any responsibility for the affair EVER!
5. I have been listening to you, and am trying to be a better man. I know you see this, but I don’t think that you can really process it through your clouded vision of me at this time, but I KNOW that I am listening and doing things to change stuff that you have talked about that make you unhappy.
6. I will stop with the checking, questioning, spying, when I am ready and that will only happen when you begin being honest with me.
7. I would appreciate a COMMITMENT from you to make things work, not the bullshit excuses about why you had the affair in the first place.

@Tjskier I just think that if you have to ask for the most basic actions of a remorseful person, it’s not
worth it. Your going to build so much resentment and anger. Hope everything works out for you, either way.

I think it's reasonable. I would tone down the 'harsh' language (ie bullshit, 'your fault'). U want her to read it with sympathy. The second she feels attacked she will b defensive and not hear a word u r saying. U have good points. Maybe put in some explanation. For example, 'I cannot at this time stop checking up on u. U have broken the trust of our relationship. That trust must b rebuilt. And only u can facilitate that. I need u to demonstrate your dependency, transparency, consistency, commitment, and connection; thus adding to the mutually built foundation of trust'. Calm and logical will generate better results than angry and blaming. And get a new therapist :)

1 Heart

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