Hi All. New here and need some advice if you can spare it. I'll keep it short as possible. 47 from a narcissistic household. Parents divorced and remarried so sorta narc mom married new narc and narc dad married narc from hell. I disconnected from dad and stop monster about 7 years ago.. but I think I'm starting to realize that I replaced him with a guy friend. Shortly after I met a guy that became an incredible friend who listened and we became very close. Shared all details of our lives and childhoods etc... He can be very helpful in professional projects and love woes. I eventually had feelings for him that I admitted a year and a half ago that he didn't reciprocate. His reaction was "disappointment .. how could I not have known he didn't feel that way?!" Maybe because he is brutally candor on everything so.. just figured he'd find a way to convey that before I made an *** of myself but.. what evs. We worked it out. SO now as I get closer to 50 I'm getting a little stronger and setting boundries with the parents I talk to and others. I have told him on many occ***ions in discussions over political things etc.. to "Please stop talking down to me..Please don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. It doesn't matter if we agree on this. We can disagree. you don't have to agree you have to respect my right to my own opinion" So Easter weekend he calls me to "Set me straight" about a local political issue I posted my feelings about on FB. I explained that I had been chatting with a friend who is a representative who had been in meetings all week about that issue and had a little insight. He bulldozed right over that and went on to tell me that 1. I only agree with the rep because I want to support him. 2. The rep doesn't really even feel that way. 3. He can't believe how wrong I am on this issue. 4. I'm inflexible and can't look at other ideas (I used to be a Republican Southern Baptist in Louisiana. I'm now a liberal atheist in Canada. Does that sound inflexible to other ideas to you?) I said "We don't have to agree" Him. "Well.. one more thing we can't discuss. I'll try to get over my dissapointment" I told him I was hanging up now and haven't talked to him since. We used to talk every day. SO is he a Narc? Did I replace him for my father? Or am I nuts! Any advice would be helpful. I have wonderful friends but if you haven't had this childhood it's hard to know what's real and what's tape recorded messaging. Thanks :-)
Welcome, Debbi! I have a narc dad and my first husband was one too, so I know firsthand about replacing one narc with another. (And man, I'm sorry you have so many in your life!) As far as whether this friend of yours is a narc, it's hard to be 100% sure based on what you shared, but with your lifetime of experience with them, I tend to trust you and your gut on this. There are people who just love to be right who aren't narcissists--you still see sometimes that they respect you and are capable of some empathy and some remorse. This guy's completely insensitive and unsympathetic reaction to your love confession is what seems most narcissistic in what you shared. At any rate, what you need to evaluate here is whether or not your continued relationship with him is beneficial or toxic. People with narc parents grow up with a high tolerance for abuse and sometimes don't even notice the selfishness and cruelty of others. It can seem normal or even oddly and perversely pleasant because of the familiarity. If this guy, on a regular basis, treats you badly and is either a narc or otherwise toxic to you, why not let this relationship go away for good? It's impossible to force your needs to be met or your interests to be in consideration when dealing with someone like this. It's a waste of time and energy and you deserve better. I hope this is helpful!
Well ain't that funny. A stranger reads a couple of paragraphs and trusts my judgement but a friend of 6 years rarely does. Hmmm. Thanks! Folks who haven't dealt with this say "if he's a ****.. what's the difference?" But I feel I need to pin it down to make sure I don't keep repeating it. The only way I can figure out how to do that is to not contact him and see if he is capable of introspection and apology. If not then we know. Right? While I have been frustrated in conversations I've never said hurtful things to him. I ended that call with "I'm hanging up now. I'll talk to you later." To me that seems to leave lots of room for him to make an effort. If he doesn't.. then he doesn't. A narc clue to me is that my life is pretty great but his life is a mess. Won't bore you with details but a mess. I never judge him. I love my friends the way they are. But let me smoke a cigarette ( I keep quitting) or go out with that guy again or procrastinate on a project and BAM! He will chew me out until I am literally reduced to tears. "What a shame. So disappointing. You know better. Tsk..tsk.." He can be comforting and build me up.. but he can absolutely demolish me too. And I confess that my feelings for him... selfish motives.. might have caused me to play along. I dunno. Thanks for your input!