Hi everyone, first time posting. Thanks to everyone who post

Hi everyone, first time posting. Thanks to everyone who posted before me; it's helped to read through and understand that I'm not alone. I've looked for support groups, in person, but there are none to be found (here). I've had my diagnosis for a little over 2 years now, and finally I need to talk about it. My story goes back to the end of my childhood, which was abusive and I needed counselling to become an adult. I made it, and as a young man who was beginning to experience healthy expressions of sexuality, I met a girl. We dated, we got close, and I told her everything about me- all of my issues in the past, so that she could judge if I was too damaged before we went further. She accepted me. Shortly after, we started to have unprotected sex, and she infected me. The initial infection was horrible, painful. She had known she had Herpes, but had opted not to tell me. This was 1997. It wasn't until much later in life that I began to realize how much that moment had affected me. Pre-internet, there were no resources for dating, support. My sexual health ended and there was no situation where I would date someone and put them at risk- I'd worked too hard to become a good man. I asked that girl to marry me, and I buried the notion that I had a virus. I buried my sexuality, which is vibrant and full of love, and I blocked all feelings of love and sexuality. I developed a protective cocoon that helped me avoid the truth. Maintaining this cognitive dissonance required assistance- I drank and used drugs. More and more, soft drugs got harder. And one day, 24 years later, I blacked out, on my feet, in my office; I told them I was sick and went home. Something was wrong. I stopped all substances. Still didn't feel right. Hit the gym every day. It was getting closer. I had nobody to talk to, and I was struggling to discover what was buried deep inside and trying to come out. Finally, after months, I snapped awake at 3 am and realized that I had a disease and had never been tested. I ordered the test the next morning. I got the results a week later- positive for HSV 1 (genital). This was early 2021. I slid into the deepest depression. I just wanted to die. I would never experience love, and I had shut out anyone who had ever tried to love me. My life passed before my eyes like scenes from a film- all the connections I had averted. How could I be so crazy? the pain of accepting that I was tainted had elevated the pain of my youth, and I had built walls to avoid experiencing the new pain- the walls I constructed in my head that kept people out and the truth buried lasted over 2 decades. I entered that mental state, as a young man, believing that I deserved the infection. The ensuing depression lasted 6 months, and was horrible. Towards the end, I booked a psychiatrist, and it helped. He diagnosed me with PTSD, no drugs, just keep trying to get better. Today, 18 months after that crippling depression lifted, I am OK. I work out every day, and it helps a lot. I am working on moving forward. I lost my mental health for decades, triggered by the infection. My mind is balanced and I only have one reality now. I am here, with you, because I have nobody to talk to. I feel alone, isolated and trapped. I need to talk, I need to meet people, I need friends. I am a good person, full of love and joy, and a healthy sexuality. Help me get there, I want to talk to people in the same boat. We can bail out some water together. No sinking. So thank you for reading, please DM me if you are interested in friendship and support. Everyone is welcome (especially left coasters). Peace.

@LostInVancouver
Welcome Aboard! yep, this IS the place to vent and share. THIS IS NOT A SOCIAL pick up place, but IS an informative, supportive message board!

we don't doubt that you are a good person! truthfully, YOU are YOUR WORST ENEMY! Allow yourself to love and be loved! its what happened to me since 1985! i acquired HSV2 Gen from a Newfie.

2 Hearts

@lostinvancouver
have you seen Vancouver Meet Up for herpes?
https://www.meetup.com/vancouverhfriends/?_cookie-check=PSorWcTo9tFoeAWx

@Visitant
Thanks! That helps; I’m in.