Hi everyone, I am in a relationship with a guy whose the

Hi everyone,

I am in a relationship with a guy whose the same age as me (21) years old and we've being together for 1 year and almost 3 months. Our relationship has being very challenging particularly for me. I've finally came to realise that my boyfriend has narcissistic traits. He has not being diagnosed with it but I'd love for him to seek help however I know for a fact he will not want any help because he will say his fine and nothing is wrong with him.
In the beginning of our relationship we didn't live together. He would travel to me which was only 1 hour and 30 mins away. So we would have the weekend together. He'd arrive late of a Friday night about 7pm which he never had work at this point of time due to him studying but Fridays he didn't have any classes. I was always so fustrated that I was so excited and happy to see my boyfriend - just knowing his coming to stay with me at my parents home, because he never rushed to leave his town early to be at my place when I get home from work at 4pm. He lived on campus which his room was tiny! The other students were very messy and would drink a lot and leave their bottles laying around and they would listen to music loud and be loud themselves. I don't understand why would you want to stay "longer" in that environment when your not a party person yourself or a drinker. I don't know why he didn't rush to get out of there to see me (his girlfriend). We're young, new into the relationship so I believe, you'd do anything to see one another ASAP!!
Sometimes his reason to getting to my house at 7pm was because he went to the gym prior to coming. Again this annoys me because he had all day to go to the gym!! But of course he left it last minute when he could have being on his way to mine!
Last year my boyfriend and I had being thinking about moving in together as he was sick of travelling to me all the time (as I don't drive) and I was also sick of it because he didn't come EVERY weekend, sometimes he would not come because he wanted to do some assignments, etc or when he would come it was late so we would only eat dinner, shower then go to bed!! I felt like he thrived off the power of picking and choosing when he will visit and what time he will visit, etc. he also had the power to choose when to leave my home to go back to campus. Sometimes he would go lunch time of a Sunday other times he would leave early Monday morning.
December 2016 (last year) we moved in together. He had finished studying and went back to a job he previously was at. This move was my first time moving out of home! I was leaving my job where I was earning a good income, left my family behind whom I'm SUPER close with, etc all because I wanted to be with my boyfriend and he told me he would support me until I get a job.
Approx a month later I found a new good but I hated it so much that I left. After that, I decided to study which I am still doing and I've enquired a few salons about a career but I'm not having any luck therefore I am relying on my boyfriend to pay the rent, food, petrol, etc. It's truly a horrible feeling as I cannot buy whatever I want, even if I want an iced coffee from the coffee shop I feel like I cannot use my boyfriends money to get it as he calls that wasting money, yet he goes out and buys a protein powder which is almost $200.00 AUD and I've recently seen a nutritionist for my personal health reasons and she told me how they are not good and way over priced and I told him that but because his such a moron and can't listen to a professional his still out wasting that amount of money he believes he needs it, haha makes me laugh.
Anyway, since moving in with my boyfriend I have seen a whole different side of him!!!
I could mention so many things but whatever I can think of I shall mention it here now.
One, obviously I cannot cook! I've lived at home and just moved out and I'm not a big eater I'm more of a snacker/ small meals and VERY simple I am when it comes to food! But my BF expected me to know how to cook, which he is a healthy eater, as his a gym junkie. His also African while I'm Australian and he seems to have a bit of cultural ways of cooking his food. He loves EVERYTHING to be all fresh like veggies and your fish and salmon and much more. At home I was used to your frozen fish, throw it in the oven and your done, throw your chicken duet in oven and done. My BF likes his food cooked on the stove top in a frying pan and all this bulls***, expecting me know how to cook the cr** "his way" like fu** me dead.
I will say though, I have learned a few things from cooking "his style" anyway, so he will have his days of belittling my cooking abilities. He might say things like "or, you don't do it like that dumber you need to ____ blah blah blah blah" or he may say something like "god, you don't know how to do anything do you! Just move!!! Let me do it!! God (uses my name) if you can't even cook ______ then ..... orrrrr your just, (uses name) not even being helpful"

Two, a problem is cleaning, he leaves he shirts on the floor, shoes, bags, and who knows what else but these objects are laying around in the lounge room! Like WTF pick your sh** up and put in the wardrobe! I ain't his fuc**** mother, like what the hell!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just his slave?

Three, he will eat his food at the dining table or on the lounge, but once his finished he WILL NOT ever take it to the kitchen sink! It will stay there until I go around around and pick it up! Like really how bloody lazy are you?!!

Four, five, six and more problems is isolation. Moving to the new town I have no friends here or family. I don't have transport to get me from A to B which we live like 15 mins out of town and 7 mins from the closest shopping mall. So I'm at home by myself Wed - Fri as Mon - Tues I'm at TAFE and Sat - Sun my BF is home. My BF finishes work at 4pm but claims he doesn't get out of there until 4:30pm and he arrives at home 4:40pm sometimes 4:30pm so it does all depend, but he will be at home for 30 mins (though I've being waiting to see him all day) and after that he f**** off to the gym for 1hr and 30mins - 2 hrs and 30 mins. He will come home whinging that his tired but how is that possible when he still forces himself to go to the gym. Then after gym he will come back home and still stay how his tired, he will eat dinner, shower and then go to bed! This annoys me because I wish we had a hobbie we could do together! I once was looking into attending gym with him but that all went down hill because he put up an argument saying that I would be there distracting him! Ha! Like bull**** would I! I'd be there working out myself but still it's the fact that we're doing a hobbie together.

But you know, his got all the power, his the one with the car, he can pick and choose when to go somewhere or if he wishes to leave to go somewhere and not take me which it's rare for him to get in the car and go without me down town or anything it was only the other day he did it as he was dealing with the car pink slip or some story. But I felt he still could have taken me!

Anyway, thankfully my parents are wonderful and they a few days ago bought me a motorbike so I am not so trapped, it's just a little scooter but this gives me more freedom! I'm so grateful of that!!

This morning my BF woke up for work and not long after I woke up while he was still here and he was about to leave to head to work and I was in the bedroom obviously doing my research on him without him knowing LOL trying to work out who the hell he is! & he came in to me and was all shocked that I am up and on my phone! His like do you know how much I want you of a morning to be up and sitting with me for breakfast!! Ah your just so ........ ah, why did you even come back home if your gunna be like this!! (I went back home Tuesday arvo and came back Wednesday arvo this was my first time since moving out mind you) and literally I just looked at my BF and gave him the silent treatment and he then said I was coming in here to say goodbye to you but ah ... (after that he walked outta the room)

Omg another story to share, right he came home from work one time, recently actually... and I've being at home all day obviously and I did not cook anything. So he then says to me "I'm hungry, I've being to work all day, your at home and you can't even cook me anything! Do you even think about me?" And I said yes I did think of you and that's exactly why I didn't cook the fish because I don't think it would be any good reheating fish PLUS it doesn't take that long to cook the fish!!! Oh but he carried on over it!

Honestly there is so much more I could mention if I remembered it all right now but I think of more stuff I will write it in the comments!

Point of this message is that I do love my BF but I do question these days a lot particularly, is this the relationship I want to deal with? Do I want to be treated like this? I think we'll how can I cope with his ways? Or how can things get better in our relationship?

I'm honestly so confused with life right now. Please I'd love to hear your opinion or experiences etc. I need some help and you may ask me many questions and personal ones too find out more about my relationship with my BF.


Not to mention, yesterday afternoon my boyfriend came to pick me up from my parents home which is 1 hour and and 30 mins away however mum travelled me 30 mins closer for him to pick me up, which saved him some time. Prior to going home Tuesday afternoon being dropped off by a friend, my BF and I had discussed about him picking me up Friday afternoon or Saturday, though I said we will play it by ear (as I meant who knows when I may wanna come back home to him). Of course it was neither of the days we talked about so it didn't run as planned. He was not wanting to come and pick me up! I was very upset about this as I feel when your a couple you'd do anything for each other or at least I'd do anything for him that was achievable! He complained that tomorrow (today) he has work and his tired and that I am being selfish and rude by demanding him to pick me up! Anyway after the arguement on the phone he finally decided he will pick me up. Once he picked me up and we started our journey back home we had an arguement he literally said to me that the ACT of driving is NOT beneficial for him and that I never think of anyone else and that his tired and didn't want to travel back home in the dark as there are wildlife out and about (mind you it wasn't even dark it was approx 6pm) (& even when we got home at 7pm it wasn't dark) my BF also complained saying he needs a shower and needs to organise food for tomorrow for work and dinner for the night. It was all basically excuses after excuses. He can go to work, come home for 30mins and go to the gym after that for 1hr n 30mins - 2hrs n 30mins which is harder then sitting your a** in the car driving!!!!! Plus Tuesday night we had a phone call and on the phone he acted all sad and I asked him what's wrong and he wasn't speaking up so I said is it because I'm not there? And he said yeah that too, yeah im a little bit sad coming home and your not there" but what is pathetic the fact that when I wanted to be picked up it was all drama! So clearly he wasn't actually sad about me not being at home with him, right? Anyway I was totally disguisted the fact that he said it's not beneficial the ACT of driving for him!!!! Like what the f*** at the end of the ACT of driving he will be picking me up whose supposed to be the love of his life! Shouldn't he be excited and happy to be picking me up!!!! He was just a rude pig!

Omg & another thing too! When we have had arguments sometimes he will say to me "I think you just don't deserve an African!" Or he'll say "I think you just don't deserve this!" (I assume "this" must be him) unless he does me I deserve better but I doubt he would wish "better" for me. But it makes me sick how he can say to me that I don't deserve an African! Like what the f*** how God **** special does he really think he is? Like yeah, obviously his somewhat special as I am with him and in love with him! But come on, get off your high horse.

Another problem is, Monday he didn't have any work therefore he stayed at home. Which Mondays are Tafe days for me. I finish at 4:30pm but we got to leave earlier so I was at home at 4:00pm expecting my BF to be at home which he wasn't here. My friends asked me if I wanted to come to the movies with them and they'll come around and pick me up. So once I got home I sent my BF a text message and said "whenever you come home, if I'm not there it's because tonight I'm going out with the girls" which he never replied and at 4:15pm he arrived at home with a box of veggies. I greeted him by saying "oh hiii, you've being to the veggie shop?" And his response was "m" I thought to myself, oh here we go! His got a problem!! So I asked him "what's wrong?" He said nothing. I said well why are you unhappy? He said I'm just unhappy, I don't even understand it myself I'm just unhappy and if I knew I'd tell you" and I asked another question then he said (used my name) you asking me questions is not helping!!! I said I don't know what's wrong! So after that I just got off the lounge to get ready for the girls to pick me up. I left without saying goodbye and he never said a word either.
I arrived home 9pm which I saw the light on in the room we sleep in. I didn't go straight in there as I had a few chores to do before going to bed. Within that time he had turned off the light in the bedroom and not long after I went into bed with him and he never said a word to me nor did I say anything. Moments after I quickly got up again as I remembered I needed to message a friend about something, then I went back into bed and my BF rolled over to pull me in close to him to snuggle. Throughout the middle of the night I asked him why were you upset? Which he ignored me. In the morning, we woke up, I followed him around to be a pest and then he asked me "what are you doing?" Something like that, and I said sooo, why were you unhappy lastnight? And he said it's over the same things I've already told you about and I said well if that was the case why didn't you just say that lastnight and he said because I wasn't ready to talk then! It wasn't the right time.
Anyway, that morning going to Tafe I spoke to my friend about that and she reckons he would have being upset that I was going to hang out with them which I highly agree on that case but I do think there may be more to the story! I just can't pin point it!!

One time last year, I went to campus to stay with my BF and we got into a huge arguement and it was all over me not cooking for him and not vacuuming his bedroom which lead to him chasing me in his car as I was walking with my suitcase telling me to get in the car and his taking me home! Crazy as it sounds, I did not want to go home! I love my BF and believed we could sort this little situation out! After all that drama I ended up staying on campus with him and sorting things out. Although it frustrated me because I was then in his "home" which he knows where the vacuum cleaner is kept he knows where all the kitchen ware is, like why should I go to campus and have to "baby" him! I'm more than happy to cook for him when he was at my house but not when I was at his (on campus). You know, he was in a building in a room where there are many many many other students living as well, I don't know who those people are! He does!!!

It's funny as I've read somewhere how narcissis love the whole feeling of being "better" then everyone else they like to have some kind of "power" or whatever. My BF will have a nice little laugh and smile whenever he talks about himself being a school captain back in Africa also being a school captain in Australia. He claims he was the teachers pet and all the teachers knew him in the school. LOL this just makes me laugh!

Mind you though I’ve meet approx 2 of his old school teachers in public and they do clearly adore him! Giving him a cuddle and getting an update with his life! Pfft. Plus he told me how his even Facebook friends with some of his old teachers! Um… isn’t that wrong to do? But that’s none of my business. Lol

I just find it a bit frustrating because their are elder aged women in his life who think the absolute world of my BF like LEGIT!!! Love love love love him. Which I just think, God girl, you've got no idea what kind of person he truly is! Only if they knew!! I know one lady has noticed a few things about him but the rest got no idea! F*** he knows how to put on a good show (acting all lovely and smiley).

I will ring my mother and sister up and tell them all about what's happened between my BF and I in arguements or stupid situations and they both wish I would go back home to them and they both think my BF is so controlling and they reckon his a nacassis (however you spell it).

It just really saddens me looking at photos of my BF and I together and you see a happy moment and you know that's who you've fallen in love with not realising who he was behind all the acting...

@pickone you know I just wonder though if all narassic (however you spell it) are cheaters. I find it so hard to point out when he would have that time to do it. Only time to cheat on me would be if he doesn’t spend all that time at the gym and if he was to leave work earlier without me knowing and days I’m at Tafe when he doesn’t have work. Since the beginning of our relationship I’ve always had this little rattle in me where I was like I bet his cheating on me especially when he was studying last year my trust for him was extremely bad I always thought there were girls at UNI / Tafe that he’d be fu***** but I’d ask him and accuse him for it without no proof and he’d always say that he would not cheat on me and he was cheated on in the past and he is totally against it… so, that part is a bit mmm I don’t know, I kinda doubt it.

I feel that my BF has inherited this trait from his birth parents as his adopted and his lifestyle back in Africa was terrible from the stories that he has shared to me. His adopted parents have nothing to do with him because they are really religious and he doesn’t believe the stuff that they do which they clashed so his adopted parents went off travelling when my BF was 18 years old so since then he had to look after himself and had to find a home to live in, etc.

I don’t know, he has a pity story and a background where you can see where all this comes from, and I think that’s why I’m so forgiving and so okay with things (like not okay Okay but just okay, kinda thing) and I don’t know …

Go with your gut feeling. If u dont think hes right for you, dont think u can change him. Youre at a wonderful age, if someone is treating you badly, leave, start fresh getting to know yourself and then love will find you. Dont ever be dependent and want a relationship, let it come. It will when its right. ;)

@kitten0708 thank you so much for your reply! I will try my best to be strong and leave the relationship! This would have to be one of the hardest things for me to do. I really just need to remind myself what a bad person he is, because it’s so easy to remember the good as when things are going great then you think they are so wonderful! It’s just deverstating and such a shame! I’m sorry that you’ve being through it, but I’m sure you’ve found someone better now?

OMFG he just got home from work and I went out to him and said hi and he said mhm

From Personality Disorders to Narcissist Abuse and Trauma