It's been a long time since I have been to any type of support group. I have for a long time thought I resolved my abuse issues but recent circumstances made me realize different. So since I am not new to this I am going to add a possible trigger alert here. My story, I was abused by my brother from the age of 4 to about 14. Um well that's the easy part to say, during that time I believe I was abused by my father and a cousin. I don't know about my whole father thing because I have no concrete memories just things I have been told and things that don't match up. Any ways again with all the easy stuff to say. In the past year or so things have gotton hard again. The feelings of wanting to self harm are harder to avoid and harder to push down. Now what was the triggering factor, there are a couple things. I thought it was from being sick with the swine flu and being so out of it for so long, My oxygen level was low so most times I didn't know where I was Kinda like a person with altimers (sorry can't spell). Anyways I thought with everything I went through my mind got triggered because I went back to the past a lot. However, since I have been in therapy I have been working on various issues and recently I revealed a secret that I kept so that I could protect my son. Well I thought I was protecting him. My 15 year old son (mentality of a 12 year old) was found doing inapropriate things with a 3 year old, there was no penetration and all clothes stayed on so I thought I could deal with it from home. The girl was like a daughter to me and I will always love her that way but recently her mother and her moved out (unrelated to what happened). when she moved out I relized my son was safe from being put in jail or whatever so I spoke up and started telling people what happened. He is now getting help but I have to face the fact that I did not protect this little girl who was just as much as my daughter as I could get. I realize now that I did what my family did when they found out I was abused. So now I feel like crap because i did nothing and my mind is being flooded with all these flashbacks and when my therapist asks me how I feel about it, I don't know. It's like I pushed all those feelings down for so long I just don't know how to feel. Anyways well that's a boat load but it's what has made me realize the past never goes away we just learn to cope with it better. Thanks for taking time to read this and I look forward to getting to know others
Hi Violeteyestwo, welcome to Support Groups, thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing your story. I think that you are such an incredibly strong person for coming as far as you have and also for being so self aware of your triggers. Being as ill as you were with the swine flu will most certainly get anyone down, so what you were feeling emotionally was so normal.
If I understand correctly, you did do something and have been doing something to help your son through the moment that he had with your friend's three year old. I don't think that you did anything wrong in that situation, because getting angry at him and panicking the little girl would not have helped matters. You clearly saw that he needed help at a much higher level and now he has been getting that help. How is your son coping with everything now?
He actually goes to his first counceling appointment Thursday. I talked to my therapist today because he has been driving me insane (he is ADHD) and she said he might be so off the wall because he knows everything is out in the open now. We kept it secret for a while, i was afraid for him and didn't want him to be labeled. My mistake I should have done something right away but it doesn't matter now because I am doing something. Anyways I really think this councelor will be able to help. Only time will tell.
Thanks for the support lately it seems like I have no one to talk to because everyone thinks I am over reacting or whatever plus my own issues are coming up and I can't talk about those because again people think I should be over it. Heck I think I should be over it. But such is life and I know that I have to work again on it.
I think that you are doing everything absolutely right, you are getting your son the help that he needs now and that's all that matters. You are his mother, so of course you are going to be so much more protective and emotional about him rather than those around you. As well, I think that it's so good for you to acknowledge and work through your feelings of abuse as a child, and then at a certain point it's only healthy to come to peace with it and move on. Otherwise you can end up stuck in a place emotionally where you don't want or need to be. It's all about acknowledgement, treatment and then recovery. I know that you will get through all of this and come out stronger and better on the other end of it.
Please keep sharing, we are here for you.