Hi everyone, this is my first post. I have been married 17 years have 2 amazing boys, my husband has emotionally abused me all of my married life, but I was clueless and ignorant. At our 7th wedding anniversary he yelled at me for asking him if he wanted to dance. At our 12th wedding anniversary he told me "since we are out, tell me whatever is on your mind." I fell for it and as soon as I told him, he yelled at me and told me I was ungrateful. After that he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. We started a business 50/50 and he took complete control of it and reduced me to a messenger who would be sent to get lunch for our drivers....he want me to ask him every time I go grocery shopping and he will be waiting for an explanation of expenses incurred. 3 years ago, I had it, i found a great paying job and he was so jealous he raged for days. At this job, I started saving money so I can eventually go back to owning my business, when I showed him the new truck I had bought, he went ballistic and told me I am sabotaging his plans. I have been soo afraid of his rage, but strangely today I was very calm. I looked him straight in the eyes and told him "I am not your servant and you will never yell at me again." He threatened me with Divorce and said " I guess this is the end." Which he normally does and I go back begging to him, but today, I told him if divorce is the price of peace, then so be it, where do I sign. I think my calmness really shocked him. He has been acting all nice after...and am just acting like he isn't there. Long email, I wish I had found this resource years ago.
So sorry for the years of abuse! And congratulations for having the scales fall from your eyes! You are not alone. Many many women go through what you have been through. May I suggest you also read the "Narcissist" group section here on Support Groups. People have personal stories I think you will really be able to relate to, and they encourage each other in staying awake and not falling back into the trap. I wish you so much luck. Please let us know how it goes.
@L2015 Thank you L2015, the scales have fallen off my eyes. I am determined to becoming ‘myself’ again, and helping others as well:)
Hi, so sorry for your pain. Emotional abuse is hard....there are not visible signs, it wears you down slowly, it is a slow tearing away of your heart. So hard. The more it goes on, the more you settle...as you opt for the peace rather than more rage. But that just keeps giving the other person power and perpetuating it. Control and anger has no place in a marriage that is supposed to be loving and other-centered. It is good you sent a message that the bad behavior needs to stop. Maybe it will be the intervention you need to save your marriage. Now may be the time to talk about seeing a marriage therapist together. If he agrees, that will be saying a lot as he will be showing that he is committed to the marriage and changing things. Additionally, you may want to either join a support group for women who have suffered from abuse or speak to a therapist one on one to start to empower yourself and gain tools that help you to break the cycle that you have been in for a long time. We can't change what we don't understand, so gaining insight into yourself will be so valuable. Stay strong, keep remembering that God is with you and does not want you to be bullied or belittled. That is not what marriage is about, not at all! You will be in my prayers.
@HopeandMoreHope thank you for your kind words. I believe in a God who has made all of us wonderful and just right. I never thought I would be the girl who would be ‘abused’, I was the bubbly, fun loving, loyal person and everyday I am plowing back to that person.
As for my husband I pray for him that he finds the healing and peace that I know he desperately needs.We have tried marriage counselling, we even led a marriage group for 4 months and during that time, the emotional abuse escalated. He would pretend in-front of the group, but punish me with silence afterwards.
I have joined CoDA (Codependency association) and am engaging the services of a therapist for myself, so that I can begin to heal my own wounds and be there for my boys as I decide what the next steps will be in my marriage.
Thank you for your kindness.
You will remain in my prayers.....
I closed my eyes to the signs while we were dating. I was lonely, needy, and wanted to be love and be loved. The fault is the abusers', not ours. We are loving people.
@Gayle2016 Same here- Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and it is so the truth. 2 years wasted and would have been avoided for me had I ran when I saw the red flags. Makes me feel dumb but it is them not us that is toxic and in the end we will come out ahead
Thank you for sharing this...I’m currently in a very similar situation in my marriage, and it’s incredibly difficult to stand up to them like that...this gives me hope
Thank you for sharing your story. Be careful he may be shocked for a moment but just when you think he might change he will flip it back on you. Stay strong and you are right if it is the end so be it- I think we all deserve peace and I know I was much happier alone than in this relationship so I am ready to walk and deal with what that means with a smile on my face. Stay strong!!
I thank all of you for sharing. Abuse is evil. God doesn't want us to live with abuse. I pray that God gives you strength to get yourself and children out. It's not healthy mentally to live with abuse. Make plans secretly, get trusted support, and get out. I pray for each of you! God be with you.
Anyone with these problems might want to contact National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help victims, survivors of domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233 and/or chat w/ an advocate on their website. At the least, they'll give you support, reassurance and some pointers for how to best handle the situation. At most, they'll help you strategize an "escape" with a safe place to hide, if things have gotten that desperate.
You deserve respect, kindness, and consideration from him. He doesn’t act like he has love in him. You deserve to be happy, also! Do what you want to get these things! Divorce may be your answer. Yiu deserve much better! You are stronger than you know. Be safe and HAPPY.
If you can, if you feel strong enough leave him. You deserve better.