Hi - Feeling caught in the headlights

Mental Health Mental & Physical Abuse
1

Last Monday was awful. It seemed like a good day right up until my partner started verbally attacking me because he was angry. I dont even know why he was angry because we had a very good day. After things got rolling, there was a physical confrontation that caught me completely off guard. I got him out of the apartment and took off with my daughter for a friends apartment.

He started calling me, demanding that I let him in (he had left his keys when he left) and I left my daughter with my friend, and went down to a public area where people could see me to talk to him. He acted like nothing had happened. When he found out I had told my friend what had happened, and that she had called my brother, he got angry. Started giving me a hard time about "involving" them.... right after he had told a whole bar full of people that I had supposedly started the fight and that if they didnt hear from him in 15 minutes to get worried. Now, the funny thing is once that would have really worried or bothered me... as it is now, I know how people see him. Only the dense, stupid, or gullible really believe the BS he spews. People who talk to both of us realize that he has a tendancy to lie to make himself seem innocent and me some crazy person. He kept trying to touch me, hang on me, and I kept backing away. I was now afraid of what he would do.

I let him in and he demanded to know where the baby was. I told him she was with friends. He wanted me to come back with her and "talk" and I told him I was done talking, and didnt want to be in the same place as him. He started yelling and screaming, and I told him that after what he had done, I didnt trust him, and wouldnt be able to sleep near him for a long time, if ever again. He called a suicide hotline, and started screaming and screeching, so I took off. I was really afraid. I was at my friends, and he called her while I was trying to calm down and it sounded like he was threatening her, telling her she needed to stay out of our buisness.

I called his sister in law to talk to her, since she was like a mother to him... partly because he was acting crazy and if he needed to be hospitalized, one of them would probably have to do it. The other is because she is somewhat comforting and I wanted to let her know what happened. He called his brother while I was on the phone with her. He asked to sleep in my car, and I said since I was staying at my friends he could stay at the apartment till morning, then find a ride to where ever he was going.

Before I knew what happened, he was calling me to say he was leaving, on foot, and walking to his friends house on the complete other side of the city... about twenty miles away. I reminded him he could wait till morning, that I was staying with a friend, and he said that he wanted me to have my place back. I saw him leave, then went to check the apartment... it was fine. Baby was tired, so I put her in my bed and lay down next to her while talking to my friend. Then the calls started.

He would sound so pathetic, then get so angry, then try to sound reasonable but it just came out nasty and accusatory. He yelled, screamed, sobbed, was just all over the emotional map. He would cry and say how scared he was, then change tones so quickly, telling me if I didnt come pick him up he would hate me. Then try to sound reasonable saying if we were going to be friends, why couldnt I give him a ride... I kept telling him he was acting crazy and I couldnt trust him not to do something like grab the stearing wheel and try to send us into a telephone pole or tree. At one point, I said "You tried to beat me to a pulp, threatened my life, and now you want me to come pick you up like nothing happened?" and his response was, "Yeah, pretty much."

I was harrassed by him for hours, while crying so much I kept trying to get sick.

We are working on communications at this moment, because of our daughter... but he is still trying to be lovey dovey, and tries to keep pushing physical closeness. I am still in pain from everything that happened, and he is really starting to creep me out with the way he has been acting. Not quite sure what to say. He keeps calling, saying he loves me, he misses me, how hard this is on him.... and I am a nervous wreck.

2

Fadingsylver, I am so very sorry for what you have been going through, though I think that you are so incredibly strong for walking away from him and standing strong. Don't allow him to manipulate you, because look at what happened as a big warning sign. He needs serious help; anger management and therapy at the very least it seems. Please stay strong and steer clear of him until he shows that he has been getting help and is making changes to better himself. Think of your safety and that of your child's first and foremost. Please know that I am here for you and here to help you in any way that I can. Please let me know how things continue to progress. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

3

It sounds like you handled that night very well. Please stay strong and tale care of yourself and your little one

4

I went to the doctor’s office for something routine after I posted. I lost 15lbs since my last appointment, and I think a lot of that in the last week. Can't eat.

I had to ask the nurse something about how long it would take for pain to go away in the stomach or if I had already passed what was normal for a non-severe blow, and she looked like she wanted to cry. I did cry. Thankfully, the fear that I might have been pregnant again is unfounded. He had wanted me to get pregnant again, and I kept putting him off because I didn’t think it was wise right now. I can't imagine the mess I would be in if I had been pregnant right now.

My family is very angry with me right now. Not because of the fight, but because I don't hate him. I do still love him. He is the father of the most beautiful little girl and she was a great gift to both of us. That doesn’t mean that I am stupid enough to go back to him, especially the way he is. I want him to be happy; I wish him a long, healthy, productive life. I just don’t want to be hurt.

Thing is, the more I look back, the more I see how he would harass me, belittle me, try to control me, and all the other things he did that never seemed like much one on one... but I know the signs. For example, one time he told me he was going to put a lock on the refrigerator so no one could eat after a certain time. I wasn’t having any of that. I was a fully breast feeding mother at the time. It seems like a lot of our arguments were because he couldn’t make me do what he wanted me to. And I really didn’t realize it till I kicked him out, but there was a great deal of anger simmering under the surface on my part. I thought the insults, the belittling, the attempts to seize control just rolled off my back and found that while they didn’t affect my ego so much (thanks to so many of my male friends, who kept telling me that I was wonderful and that he was astronomically lucky to get me) it really did make me angry.

He wants to get back together. I told him that was a bad idea, especially right now. He begged to know what he could do to change my mind and I told him that until he went to therapy, got his head on straight, stopped the recreational use of the Mary Jane, and was good with himself, it wasn’t a possibility. He wants to be a doctor but the problem is at the rate he is going he is going to fail all the psych evaluations that go with it.

Funny thing was, we were planning on going to medical school together. I had been on the fence between wanting to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist and had been fine with going to med school together. I might still. I am working on the bachelors at the moment for psychology. Normally I provide people with a solid rock to lean against but now with everything that happened, I wonder how solid that rock is. I wonder if it was my well defined patience and understanding that got me into this position. Of course, I do have a lot of friends wanting to rip him apart and willing to talk but it hurts me to do so in a way. I’m supposed to be the strong one and I feel like I failed… I was always the one helping people out of bad spots, being there as support when the dusted themselves off and got moving again. I’ve helped so many people and now I wonder about my ability to do so.

5

When you get through this you will be even better prepared to help people because you will be proof that, even though hard, people can get through the tough times.

6

Fadingsylver, you absolutely have not failed and did nothing near or around failure, if anything that's what your boyfriend did in one fell swoop. You were always there for everyone and their rock; therefore, allow them to be there for you. One thing that I have learned time and time again throughout my life, is that my family and closest friends have always called out a bad relationship. In the moment I never saw it, but in the end they were always right on. I know how important keeping your family together is, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your health and well-being.

You have so much going for you, please continue moving forward on this path; focusing on your daughter and education. Don't allow a man to hold you back and beat you down. You are so much better than any of that, and I promise that when you come out of all of this, you will be happier then ever before. Please keep sharing with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

7

I dont know how he managed to do it, but somehow in his mind I am to blame for our confrontation. And oh, how the twits eat it up! No one who has half a brain believes him, but the dumb little girls on FB certainly think he is soooo innocent.

I dont know how it is that I am the one who started the fight when he started verbally abusing me, and then when I was asking him to stop and calm down, he punched me in the face hard enough to loosen a few teeth. But somehow he has convinced some of his drug addict friends and stupid little girls that I started the fight. He tried to tell ME that it was my fault.... and I quote "If you hadnt gotten aggressive it wouldnt have happened."

Aggressive? I have some dude spewing his verbal abuse at me because he is peved off, and I am aggressive? I tell him he needs to calm down, but I am aggressive? I tell him he is about to say something he can't take back, but I am aggressive? He almost hits me twice with his wild flailing hand gestures, but I am aggressive? I move his hands to be on his stomach so he doesnt "accidentally" hit me, but I am aggressive? I begged him to stop, but I am aggressive?

The only time in the whole situation, I could really be considered aggressive, is right after the explosion of pain in my face after the first hit, let alone the second. Dude got two free shots before I could respond... but I was supposedly aggressive.

He told me I needed anger managment, I laughed and told him that was what kicking him out was. The only person I am angry at is him. Well, maybe myself for having put up with it, but mostly him.

I feel hurt though... his memory and point of view is so flipping twisted, he won't take responsibility for what he did. I have always fessed up to what I did, if I was being a B**** or po'ed, if I did anything that might have hurt his feelings, I always apologized when he told me it hurt his feelings, and I would try to make sure I didnt say it again. We used to horse play... once upon a time and had to stop because he took it too far.

I just remembered that I tried to use an ice breaker during our fight. I tried to make him laugh so that he would chill out. I tried to relieve the tension so we could talk, but he wasnt having it. And for what? I dont even really know what he was so angry about. Me asking him to dry his hands or stop flicking water in my face? Me asking for a few minutes to do school work? Because I wasnt licking the floor he stood on and fawning over him????

I actually wish I were not so sturdy... that I could bruise like a normal person. I learned when I was growing up that it is almost impossible to leave bruises on me. I was often beaten by a family member, but never had a mark to prove it. Even with as much as everything hurt (and still hurts) there are no marks to show what happened. Just two small bruises on my arm.

On a funny note, a friend, baby (who I thought was more busy playing than watching the movie) and I were watching a vampire movie last night and it appears my daughter was paying attention, because she smiled at me, then leaned down and bit my shoulder near my neck... she almost broke the skin, and probably would have if not for the shirt I was wearing. I told her no, sat her down, had to tell my friend to try not to laugh then she had to cover my mouth for a moment because I started cracking up. I put my little girl in time out long enough for me to stop laughing. Then cuddled her for a bit.

8

Fadingsylver, these types of men are brilliant at manipulating and turning the situation on you. At times, you can actually start to believe that they are right. I dated a very emotionally/verbally abusive man who always did a very good job of turning it all around on me. Please know and remind yourself that he is the one who is completely and totally in the wrong, do not allow him to manipulate you in any way. If those girls want to believe his words, let them believe it and let them have him, it'll be their headache and not yours. Stand strong, stay strong, focus on yourself and your beautiful baby girl, and the incredibly fabulous future that you two have ahead of you away from this person.

Too cute and funny regarding your daughter's mimicking of the vampire movie, I can only imagine the laughter that ensued on your part. Isn't it so great to have silly and hilarious moments, they are truly priceless.

Please let me know how you are doing and how things continue to progress.

9

They are good at manipulating, but he got a bit of a douse of cold water yesterday. He went to see a psychologist who is pretty sure that he was misdiagnosed (like I thought) and is bipolar, which would explain why it took less than five minutes to go from perfectly content to screaming and the rest.

I love my daughter so much, and kind of got another blow yesterday. You see, while her father who refused to work was in the house, I could have applied for and obtained financial aid for daycare. After I kicked him out, I make too much to try and get help... by about 250/month. And I have yet to find someone I trust what will take that little. Of course the father gets enough money from going to school that he can pay for his place and books and groceries. I work my butt off to provide all I can, and he just does nothing and gets what ever he wants. It really doesnt seem that fair.

I was talking to a friend saying I wish I had a friend whom I trusted and could live with that was down on their luck at the moment and was willing to stay with me, and the girl who I was talking to started laughing. She had lost her job a while back, which I knew, but she is also going to school. She suggested that she move in, if she could work out a few details. And unlike my ex, she is willing to take care of my little girl without yelling at her.

I feel like I was ran over by a Mac Truck... oh wait, I have had that happen.... it didnt feel quite as bad.

10

Fadingsylver, wow, talk about fate; I think that it's so amazing that you were putting it out there to your friend regarding hoping that someone could move in to help you, and there she was, right in front of you. That's so amazing. I do believe that so much good is coming your way for all that you have endured and gone through; this is just scratching the surface. Your ex needs to work on himself and his own issues, and you don't need to be dragged into any of that. I do see that you are on the up up and up now, so it's important not to allow anyone to drag you back, which someone like him will do. All of that being said/written, everyone deserves a second chance [to a certain degree], so if he really takes the time to work on himself and shows that he changes, then and only then, would I consider possibly allowing him back into your life [with caution].

Please know that I am here for you always. Let me know how you are doing and feeling. Wishing you a beautiful day!

11

Hi Fadingsylver, You mentioned how your ex blames his actions on you, well that's one of the main things abusers do!! Sometimes I am still just shocked and I literally will feel like someone knocked the breath out of me when he laughs in court when my attorney is telling the judge things about what he did to me. I don't know for sure what in the world is wrong with their brains that even allows them to lie like that without batting an eye. I know he's a liar and a horribly abussive asshole, but it still sometimes shocks me that he really seems to believe the lies he tells... even in court!! I think I've been told a million times that I caused him to do whatever he had done or claiming it never happened to begin with. He would go so far as to demand I tell him that nothing happened or he would make me repeat other lies word for word.... it's really so insane.

Maybe there's help for yours, but there's not a snowball's chance in hell, for mine!

Sending hugs, Suzee

12

I was told once by a psychiatrist that these manipulative selfish abusive men who whine about suicide when they think their partner is finally leaving are way too much of wimps to actually do it. However, the doctor also said that each and every time a wussy guy whines about suicide you should call his bluff, walk away, and call 911. The professionals will handle it and if the guy likes the reaction he will continue to do it, and if he doesn't like the reaction, he will stop. Bottom line: call his bluff, call 911, and then wash your hands of his behavior.

13

Thanks Soft... I am actually to the point I will probably do that. I am hoping that once he is back in school (today) that the harrassment will taper off.

He talked about turning tricks to make money too... how awful is that? It isnt like he couldnt get a job, he just doesnt want to work, but he is willing to turn tricks. Talked about suicide repeatedly. I am just done. I am not going to mess with him like that anymore. I thought about calling the cops more than once... because he has been a complete nut job lately.

14

Turning tricks to make money?????? Oh please, he sounds like a drama queen, and I mean queen. Again, call his bluff. Tell him to go enjoy himself and you hope he makes big bucks. He sounds pathetic and I am embarrassed for him.

15

Probably both... He is acting pathetic and like a queen, drama or other.

I am tied up in knots again. I think I am going to have to get a protection order. Someone (probably him, and if it is this is really childish and mean) is pounding on my apartment door and running. It sounds like his knock from what the person watching our baby is saying, and it is actually frightening the baby and the babysitter.

I am begining to get really upset though. I dont understand what is happening in his head to think this is okay behavior.

16

Don't get tied up in knots trying to sort out what's in his head. You have enough of a task trying to sort out your own feelings of loss, fear, sadness, anger, resentment, betrayal, etc. He may never resolve his feelings, and you certainly can't do it for him.

I am thinking you will have a hard time getting a restraining order if you are only guessing it is his childish behavior at your door. Also, when I went to my parenting class, the instructor encouraged every participant who has a restraining order to remove the childrens' names from the order unless something terrible has happened to the actual child, not you. Of course, I am one of the lucky ones who has not experienced domestic violence, so I can't pretend to know how you feel.

17

I dont want to keep him from his daughter, but I think he needs to be supervised. He used to stay home with her, and our room mate caught him more than once holding her up and screaming at her to shut up. He thought she was at work... and he threatened other things... I had to rush home more than once just to deal with him threating our child.

I am just upset... he called me to demand to know where I was, because he wanted something. He told me he had been pounding on the door. He knew I was at work. I am always at work at that time...

18

I am sure he must be terrified and desperate that you are being strong and independent and he can't control you or your whereabouts.

19

That is what really confuses me... I have always been. Sure, I was often accomodating for him because he was my partner, but I never did things just because he told me I had to. Though, that did cause some of our arguments, because he wanted to do XYZ, and I told him he was welcome to... away from me. Or he wanted to control what I ate, and I would inform him that he needed to focus on himself. Or he would not let me sleep... I never got to bed before midnight and I am at work by 6am... and he often woke me up for what ever reason, sometimes two or three times a night, sometimes talking to me... it was very frustrating, because he would make sure I was wide awake and po'ed, and then he would be happy and want to sleep. Never quite worked the way he wanted it too either.

A lot of people seem to think he controlled me, but most of the time it didnt work that way. He tried very hard to control everything I did, it just didnt quite work, and often ended in us having a disagreement.

He was not phsyically abusive until this last... and in a way I am a little thankful. It was a wake up call... to how bad things had really gotten.

20

There are other ways to control someone than physically abusing them. Waking you up in the middle of the night in an effort to make you talk to him is abusive. Telling you what to eat is abusive. The fact that you didn't comply each time makes it no less abusive. I am sure he must be freaking out at what he perceives to be a total loss of control over you.

He must be enraged by your strength at this time. He thought you would crumple without him, and here you are, taking care of your baby's needs, and getting your *** to work every day. You are amazing.