Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's Back To Work I GO

Nervous as hell. Confidence shattered. Already sick of the questions that I know people will ask me. Feel tired just thinking about working. Worried because normal means I could become sick again, whereas if I'm sick and constantly being watched... I can't fall ill agin, right??
Am used to being home, I know it. Will miss it.

I work for a pathology company, taking blood from people. I know I'll be able to work, but what if I can't put that needle in cause I don't want everyone to feel the hurt that I did when people pushed that 23 gauge through my scar tissued median cubital (the middle vein in the crook of your elbow).
What if I come across a patient on the wards that has no hair. And I'll probably have to go into the hospital room where I spent the worst night of my life after my third chemo. How am I going to stop myself staring at the wall which I stared at during my stay, watching the moonlight dance acroos in shadows. The patients will think I'm nuts.
What if I see a PICC line and begin to feel nauseous, which is what mine made me feel toward the end?
What if I can't shut myself up? Like on this site, telling people what worked really well for me and how I did this and that. I come downstairs for lunch break and I've done grand total of four people all morning.
What if I can smell Bleomycin in the room, on the wards, behind the nurses desk?

This was a very bad idea, I think.

Have courage. I have been unemployed for almost a year and just got hired and will start soon. Take it one step at time. Baby steps. (I'm telling myself this too)

I will assume that all of the what if's you just listed above are the worst things that you think could possibly happen.
In fact they are things that pretty much did already happen to you.
And you got through every single one of them.
That means you won!
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
You will get through - no doubts - you will!
P.S. In the toughest moments remember your 'rain dance'

Hi Annie,

So how is it going a week into it? Phillip

It's fine, of course it is. I knew it would be but it's the unknown that haunts. I did have to bleed people on the oncology ward and yes, I did have to go into the room I spent a simply horrid night in. But funnily enough, I can scarcely remember it. It seems like a very distant dream and I can't imagine myself ever being that ill.
Everyone's been really supportive and it's made me a much better collector. I'm only working casually so just mornings scattered and I must say that I love that. It's amazing how tired you get mentally as well as physically.
Still worried about over doing it or catching something from the patients, but I think those worries are going to be glued to us survivors for a long time.
What about you, how's treatment? Still just fatigue??

Glad to hear you have worked through it. You clearly are a very strong person to be able to go back to a place that has some not so great memories. It's kind of funny, but I went back to the place where I get my chemo today to have some labs done and the one overiding thought that went through my head was that I was really looking forward to never having to sit in one of those hospital vinyl Lazy Boy recliners ever again. As much as I appreciate and admire the people that work there, I hope to one day never see them again.

Treatment is going really well. Zero chemo effects other than fading around 10 PM to bed. The reflux is under control. I really can't and won't ask for anything more, because it could be a lot worse. Phillip

Hi Annie,

I thought I would check back in with you to see how work and life is going? Phillip