Hi. I am 27 years old single girl. I am going through a very

Hi. I am 27 years old single girl. I am going through a very tough time in my life. I ruined my own life. I have always been in desperate need of attention from my family. I wish my parents would have raised me like other parents. I wish I were not born in this family. My desperation took me on the wrong path. I have always had a very distant relationship with my siblings and parents. My parents and especially my mother could never develop a relationship of love, frankness and sharing with me and my other sister. i used to get upset when my friends at school, college and university discussed about their frank relationship with their mothers and sisters with me. i used to cry and hide my feelings from everyone. My parents never hug and kissed us. Though they love us and gave us every facility but they could not develop a frank and healthy relationship with us. I have a sister who is 7-8 years elder to me. She got married with a married person who has 3 kids with first wife. He does not live with his kids and first wife. My sister is living very happily with him as it was their love marriage. My sister is also like my mother. I don't remember exactly but i think once we had a fight when i was very young and school going girl. she stopped talking to me after that. she never shared anything with me. we used to talk a very little. and maybe she never felt a need to talk to me and share anything with me. After all this, i became a very reserved and hesitant person. I felt very reluctant and never shared my feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone at home. Children do not express their feelings unless parents ask them and develop such relationship with them. I became shy and very hesitant in expressing my thoughts. It always made me depressed and I used to compare my parents to other kid’s parents. I could never have enough courage to talk to my sister and mother like other mothers and sisters do. i felt so distant. Today I feel that my mother did not take care of my anything. Parents are responsible not only for feeding, giving clothes and education to their kids. they should instill confidence in their children. They should give them religious education and a good training. They should build their child self confidence. My parents should have talked to me and my sister. They should have asked us that why are we so distant and why we are not like other sisters? But they never noticed it. They have not done anything. I used to get so emotional and had tears in my eyes when I saw my cousins and friends loving and talking to their mothers and sisters. I was badly in need of attention from my family. But I always felt so isolated. this isolation and desperation ruined my life. Now i am doing a job. its been 3 years i am doing this job with the same company. my boss is 56 years old and have 3 kids. he has a daughter of my age. when i started this job, he used to ask me about my likes and dislikes. maybe he got an idea of my weak points. Then he started taking me out for lunch and said that I should take care of myself and should not miss my meal. he used to gave me attention and took me out for lunch every day. I got emotionally attached to him too quickly and easily due to these things. Although i got an idea of his intentions but still i started liking him. he used to talk about his siblings and parents with me. I felt that they people love so much each others. they hug and care for each others. I wished I were part of his family. I started longing to be his family. I wanted to meet his siblings and parents. i wanted to feel his kids love for me too. I wanted to have a frank and very good relationship with his kids like my sister has with her husband's first wife kids. I even wished to have a good relationship with his first wife. i had one thing in my mind that my sister is married with a married person and she is very happy and has a very good relation with his first wife and kids so maybe i could marry to my boss and could have everybody's love. my boss used to say that his wife is very good by nature but she does not look attractive and is very obese. and he wanted to have someone who look attractive and could take care of his interests. one day he took me out for lunch. when we came back to office, everybody was left. he came closer. it was very difficult for me to control. he asked me to come to his room and had sex with me without asking me. i did not stop him. Rather i could not stop him. and then this physical relationship continued for almost 1.5 years. During this period, I started feeling that he is only interested in sex. He hurt me mentally so many times with his actions. He has a female ex- business partner who is very close to him. I always had a doubt that he might be having a physical relation with her as well. He always avoided talking to her infront of me. Whenever she came to office, my boss asked me not to come to his room in her presence. This made me upset and he always hurt me because of her. My boss elder brother died and he remained very busy with his family in those days. I wanted to be in his family at that time, wanted to support him. But he gave me no attention. He said he is very upset and have no time for me. After 3 or 4 days he came to office . He used his laptop. When he left, I switched on his laptop and searched the history. There were so many porn websites in the history. he watched all that stuff. I felt very bad. He said he was upset and cant give me time but he can watch porn sites? This really hurt me. After this, I started to stay away from him. I stopped getting physical with him. Though he always wanted to and expressed his feeling to do so.
Now here comes the most miserable and regretful part of my life. His elder son is 2 years younger than me. I started talking to him because I wanted to develop a good relationship with his kids. I wanted to be his kids’s friend so they may not hate me if I married their father. I told my boss that I talked to his kids.
His son used to come with us when we went out of city for meetings with clients and on shoots. I always had a very good and positive thinking for his son. I never had any bad intentions for him. We used to talk little while on shoot and meeting. He used to ask me about my future plans. He also asked me about my marriage plan. I told him that I don’t want to marry here and I will be going out of country very soon and will stay there for rest of my life. I will get married with someone over there. As time went on, we started talking more and more. I never thought that his son would start having some feelings for me. One night when we came back from shoot, we were sitting together in van behind my boss seat. my boss was sitting on front seat. me and his son kept on talking. I liked sitting and talking to him. After that, whenever we went out for shoot and meeting, we always wished and waited to sit together in van. My boss always sat on front seat. this brought us closer together. I developed a feeling for his son. We started talking on text messages daily. His son is very innocent and a good guy. I felt his feelings for me. I started thinking that why cant I be with this guy? i have a right to be happy and wish for a good and young guy. I fall in love with him. He expressed his feelings that he loves me and wants to marry me. I was very happy and upset at the same time. Whatever I did with his father did not let me stay happy and satisfied. My inner conscience was never satisfied. I felt terribly miserable. On one side I was dying for his real love and wanted to accept his proposal but on the other side I was dying inside. We kept on talking. But I never stayed happy and my heart and mind kept on telling me that I m doing very wrong with him .He wanted to come closer to me. First I refused because I did not want him to commit a sin. I did not want to take away his innocence. I always thought that he should get a very good girl. He deserves a good and beautiful partner. Not me. But I could not stay away from him. I let him do sex with me... And one night I told him everything about my relation with his father. I could not hide the truth. He listened everything very patiently. He knew about his father affair with his ex business partner and he was having a doubt of his father relation’s with me as well. But he never spoke and wanted to hear the truth from my mouth. After knowing all this he said he cannot continue with me anymore. He said he wants to leave me. He said we have no future and cannot marry as his father will never allow him. He tried to leave me but he could not do so. Neither I. we continued talking and loving each other. I was very positive about our relationship. I always felt like if we put efforts together and support each other we can get married. I always had a positive hope. And this hope made me strong a little bit. I madly fall in love with him. Though he had a very little or no hope for our future. He always said that his father will never let it happen. And he cannot leave his parents. I know he cannot take a stand for me in front of his father. He is just 26 years old, studying in college and is dependent on his father. He does not have enough courage to take a stand even for himself. May be he cannot live with my sin. He cannot forget what I have done with his father. But he has love for me in his heart. He says we cannot get married because of me. He is right. He wants to continue relationship with me until I don’t get married to someone else. I wish he could have courage to take stand for me. I wish he could love me like anything. I wish he could never even think of living without me. I always wanted his real love more than sex. I never wanted to involve in sexual relationship with him. At times, I felt irritant and get upset of his sexual desire for me. I used to argue with him that he needs sex more than my love. I used to say this because I wanted him to relax me mentally and got over all my all insecurities. I was sure that he truly loves me and he is not like his father. I wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to hang out, watched movies, eating etc. but whenever we met, we had more sex and love and little or no time for other activities. One day he came to meet me. He was continuously using his mobile fone. I wanted to have his full attention. I asked him to show me his cell phone. He refused. He said I do not trust him. I kept insisting him to show me his cell .He said trust me or everything will be finished between us if you want to see my phone. but I kept on insisting him. i said him that he comes for only sex. He got mad at me after hearing this. I repeated these words so many times so this made him annoyed at me. I tried to explain him and made him understand my state of mind but I was failed to convince him. He said I am a desperate and pessimistic girl. After this incident, he stopped talking to me. It’s been 4 and half months since we met last time. I used to text him daily and tried to make him understand but it was all in vain. He said he is not angry with me but he is depressed for some reason. He said he will be okay in a few days. He did not even share anything with me. He just stopped talking to me. He ignored my every text message. I used to cry every night and missed him very badly every minute. I could not get him out of my mind. I begged Allah for forgiveness and repentance. I begged for my every sin. I regretted every sin I committed. I asked Allah for his help and mercy. I was deeply hurt by his attitude. I waited for him every morning and every night. But I got no love and positive response from him. He completely broke me down. I started losing my hopes. It was only Allah who gave me a little strength and helped me to be strong. I used to pray and asked for his forgiveness. I had no one with whom I could share all this I was going through. One day I was sitting in office and doing my work. I was very sad and hopeless deep inside. I was alone in office. I just broke down and started burst out crying. I could not control myself. i felt so miserable and felt like dying. One of my colleagues came to office. He saw me crying. I could not hide my tears. I told him everything. He told me that he knew about my relationship with boss. He knew everything. He has been working with my boss for the last 10 years and he knows so many things about him. He knows what kind of person my boss is. He told me that my boss was having a physical relationship with his ex-partner too. This broke my heart my trust and everything. Till now I am only regretting for the big sins I have committed. I really have nothing left now. I lost everything.
Every day I pray to Allah and ask him to bring him back to me. I ask Allah to make things favorable for me. If Allah is not happy of my relationship with my boss’s son and the son too is not willing to accept me and cannot take stand for me then I ask Allah to make me strong to accept the reality and turn him away from me and turn me away from him.
I have stopped meeting my friends and do not feel like making friends. I do not share my things with anyone. I do not feel like talking to anyone. At home, I have become a very weird and quiet person. I get irritant and hurt over small things. I burst out crying loudly if my parents and someone do not treat me the way I wanted to be and say something bad and negative about my personality. I feel guilt inside me after misbehaving at home. But I have lost my all patience now. I cannot control my emotions and anger anymore. I have so many complaints and find my parents and siblings responsible for my present situation. They hurt me very badly. They could not understand my feelings and needs. I wish my parents would have loved and brought me up like other parents. I want to go away from home. I have become a very depressed person. If I do not like meeting anyone in family, my parents think that I am a very arrogant girl and they believe that I m not well behaved. It really hurts deep inside. I think they are right. But it’s not in my control now. I fear that Allah will get angry with me as I misbehave with everyone at home. I can’t complain and can never even tell my parents and siblings about my emotional state and the pain that I have been feeling deep inside me for the years. I can’t speak up. I can just think negative about me. The only thing I can do is blaming myself for everything that is happening to me. I feel like I am not a good person and not even a good daughter at all. I am not good at any relationship. I think this way because my circumstances force me to think like so. Though I know I am a girl with very loving and sensitive heart but nobody can understand what is in my heart. I just want to go away from everyone.

2 Hearts

So after all this, where might you begin again, how do you get your life back on track?

I want him Back in my life.i can't think of getting married to someone else.