Hi - I am just reaching the point where I am ready to reach out. I am tired of trying to contend with this issue on my own. I am not even sure what joining these groups [emotional abuse and loneliness groups] will do to help me but I am here trying to figure it out. Emotional and verbal abuse is what I am dealing with and have been dealing with for decades.
Part of the abuse is that my husband will leave the home and leave me alone for days or even a week or more at a time when he is in one of his emotional and verbal abuse modes – this creates terrible loneliness upon which I believe he depends to get his way. Also, the side effects as I call them of the emotional and verbal abuse have made it almost impossible to sustain outside relationships of any kind therefore I have none current. It seems it takes all the energy I have to deal with the abuse.
Now believe me I am no innocent in my own conduct but much of my behavior has been retaliatory or reactive, which does not make it right, to his verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and unreasonable responses to normal relational request.
If I were you (so it is up to you whether or not to take my advice) is to leave next time he leaves. And do not be alone when he comes crawling back. Then agree to speak to a nonbiased third party and tell them how you feel and that you aren't ok with him jist leaving everytime things don't go his way. If he doesn't want to work on it then please let him go. Get yourself some help too. Look at a church, or a place for abused women. That is if you cannot afford therapy as most of us cannot. Call around and look for a support group where you can conncet with other emotinally abused people who may know of resources out there to help you. There is help out there. Please get the help. :)
MamaR - I like what you have to say and I have begun to do that, just leave myself and go do things or take a mini-trip somewhere I have wanted to go. During those times he has called or texted apologizing and asking me to come home. I like how you said "if he doesn't want to work on it then please let him go" you left room for the man to be considered for change. He has changed over the years, as have I, but not to the degree I would like for either one of us as of yet. I have had Christian Counseling and saw a Christian Psychologist in the past and the strategies learned over time have been effective when consistently used by myself. I lack the consistency needed, especially in dealing with verbal and emotionally abusive situations. But I am hopeful that joining this support group will help me be more consistent when something is actually happening.
@BeeBea It seems you really need all the help you can get. Once we change our behaviour, people around us change theirs too. Just figure out what it is that you want and can do, and stick to your decision. <3
I totally agree...I need to be consistent in how I choose to deal with these situations when they happen.
One choice I have made that has benefited the situation is that I do not try "to reason" with him when he is like that - angry and being ugly. I have found it is worthless; not engaging him at all and removing myself from his presence is the best course of action. A) Whether he is right or wrong in his actions must be a personal decision he has to make and something he must resolve within himself – he doesn’t need me for that. B) I don’t want to be around him when he is disrespectful to me, so leaving is the course of action best for me. However, I am not acting with 100% consistency with these two actions, as of yet. I still find it tough to do (leave) or not do (try to reason). I would access myself around the 80 percentile.