Hi, I am new to this board, this is my first post and some stuff I am dealing with now.
I am at a crossroads. I decided to live with my father after he was divorced from my mother. He had a failed back surgery 13/14 years ago and his attitude changed after that. He put himself on a cold turkey get over of his pain medication he was on. This led to erratic behavior he never stopped. My Aunt said his behavior has always been like that but I am not always able to see it because I am to close so it. I can recall instances though. This would lead to verbally and mentally abuse of my mom and my sister and I badly for about a year before my mom had enough and got a divorce, that was 8 or 9 years ago. I should have moved on with my life but I decided to live with him for 5 years to help take care of him since he is disabled and miserable from the divorce, big mistake. I tried to get him to get help, but it didn't work. he stopped seeing his psychologist. I gave up multiple job opportunities when I got laid off to get out of the area for this guy. I wish I took one of them.
He would say the most awful things about my mom all the time. Everything would always be her fault. I would tell him to stop and he never would. He would try to instill these rules for me like I couldn't leave him alone at night, so if I wanted to go on vacation I would have to get my sister over there. She could often not do it though because she has her own life. I would have to go shopping on Friday and laundry on Sunday. I'd have to spend time with him at night in front of the TV. Mind you I was in my mid 20's and trying to get out there. But I did this because I felt sorry for him and wanted him to not hate me. My Aunt would tell me stories about my childhood and what he would do, but I have no recollection of it at all. My dad would tell me about all the great times we had when I was a child, but I had no recollection of them. All my good memories are with my Mother and his mom my Grandmother
My dad would threaten to kill himself to me multiple times. I tried to help him stop smoking and he eat healthy after he almost died from a heart attack but he didn't care and went back to old habits. Then after something happened between us, he would always be there and be supportive and forgiving and make it seem like I did something wrong OR he did nothing wrong. To this day I always think I did something wrong in situations, even if it’s not my fault. During that time I went through a bankruptcy and a court case and he was "there". All I ever wanted was to try and make him better. I still do, but it's ruining my current relationship with the women I love and want to be with. I worry about my father sometimes more than myself and my health and the healthy relationship between my girlfriend and I.
I met her 3 years ago. He did not like her free spirit. He used to berate the hell out of my girlfriend and call her the devil, "she is ruining what we have" he would say. She found out all the things he said about her and I was like, "it's just my dad he is scared and lonely" I couldn't even stick up for her. When my dad felt like I he was losing control and I wasn't doing things according to his schedule he actually physically assaulted me. He didn't hurt me but he tried to choke me. I pushed him down and he berated the hell out of me how I am a bad son. That was 2.6 years ago, I went to therapy for that and the toll the court case took on me. A couple months later I moved out of the house and in with my girlfriend. From there it has always been "when you coming over, when can we hangout". "I need help with this, I need help with that, take out the garbage for me, pick up the dog poop" from my father. At first I was a mess emotionally because I felt like he still needed me and I abandoned him. Therapy helped with that. At times I would aim to please him over the healthiness of my relationship with my girlfriend. I moved out to get away from him and start a new, but he is always trying to drag me back with scheduled times and random minuscule tasks that seem ridiculous for me to leave what I am doing for him. More than half the time when I would go over he would be in bed because he was sick, or he would talk about mom again. I can't help him with his sickness anymore. I tried and he keeps on laying on how sick he is, but I can't help. Like a guilt trip or something.
He had electroshock therapy a couple months ago and now he seems to be even worse with the hanging out and coming over. I told him I can't give him the support that he wants or is expecting. I have my own life. My sister is more willing. His therapist at the VA thinks he says he is better mentally but I don't know. He still threatened to hurt himself to me, and then denied it was that at all. He keeps saying "You know I'll always love you and be there for you." I know he means it but I always think there is an underlying jab in there. After that every phone call or text brought on huge anxiety of what would come next. I couldn't take him anymore so I blocked him from my phone and told him i would contact him from my email. Surprise, he didn't respect my wishes. He tried calling me found out he was blocked and called me names, saying I'm a sick puppy and he was not the only one who thought so. Then he got my sister to go after me to make me try to unblock him. He said what if he had an emergency, I told him to call 911 first. I don't feel comfortable talking to him or seeing him in person because the separation I am trying for would be thrown out the window. Now when I told him about all my emotional problems and anxiety he gives me he still wants "to help". He doesn't hesitate to call me names and put me down, but then he is "there for me".
I have my own life, I am going back to school, I don't know how he ever felt about that. I have a girlfriend who loves me and supports me, but sees what this guy is doing and how its tearing me apart. It's putting a huge stress on our relationship and might end it. My sister says I am over reacting, but he doesn't talk to her or treat her at all like he does to me. If he does, my sister hides it well. My sister goes along with his plan to help with the grocery shopping and doing his laundry on Sundays and then come over for scheduled visits. Whenever my Sister can't do something for him I HAVE to do it or else!
I don't want him out of my life, I really do love my dad, but he is causing me emotions and strain I don't need. Blocking all contact with him is the only move right now I feel will help me. I just want to be able to say no to him (which I am getting better at) and not be so heavily reliant on me like he is. I don't want the anxiety he brings me. I need him to understand I am moving on with my life. I am hopeful all this will happen, but my gut feeling says it never will unless I move out of this area. He lives 20 minutes away from me now which isn't bad but it's still too close to be an inconvenience for him. I love the life I have away from living with him and I want it to grow. But I can't do it with this dependency and control he has on me. I tried to help him multiple times with rides from elder care and such for his doctor appointments, but he ignores them or has some excuse because of his demanding attitude. But if my sister recommends something he is all for it. Right now I have him blocked and I am going back to therapy. My girlfriend is also going to go back to my 1st therapy appointment with me to help explain the situation. I often leave things out because my unconditional support I have for this guy that I put above trying to improve myself.
I talked to my sister about this and she takes his side, she doesn't understand what I am going through at all. She said "see a doctor then if it's that bad." Not how can I help or be supportive. I get the feeling she has is "now you're laying all his hell on me." Everyone I try to talk to about this always takes his side saying "that's who he is", "can't you be easier on him, he's your dad", "he's a good guy", "he's lonely and only wants to see you." He has his good days and can get out, yes they are fewer than his bad days, but he does have his good days. He chooses to be miserable. I get he is my dad, but what gives him the right to treat me like this, I am 33 years old. A person who loves and supports me like he says he does wouldn't demand so much from me or talk to me like the way he does. Other than the bad anxiety and bad emotions he gives me my life is great.
The only people who supports me and see it for what it is are my Aunt, my girlfriend, and my co-worker, and a friend who knows my dad’s problems well. My co-worker said if anything happens between my gf and me, he said I could go to the state he lives in and live with him. He doesn't want me going back with my dad because it's unhealthy.
So right now I am getting my ADHD diagnosed and getting something for that. It's been something I have struggled with my whole life and If I want to get healthy, I need to get something done about it. And I am going back to therapy to deal with this situation. I don't even know what I am asking for with this post, I just need to get this out there.