Hi I’m new here so I’m just trying to figure out how this works. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and overall we have had a happy (although mostly sexless) marriage. He’s always been a heavy social drinker and struggled with moderation. Last Christmas I found a massive stash of empty whiskey bottles. We talked about it and we’d had a hard year and he said he would seek help, a week later I discovered him drinking again. I became obsessed with searching our house and found sex paraphernalia (lube, dildos, viagra etc). We talked about it and he admitted he’d been talking to both men and women online. He went to therapy and AA briefly and was 6 months alcohol free when he decided he wanted to attempt social drinking again. He did ok for a while and then this January I found hidden whiskey bottles again. My husband has ALWAYS lied to me about all sorts of things, he doesn’t do well with confrontation so he will lie about denting our car in a parking lot for months, I had to actually drive past him smoking in our car after he swore he wasn’t for him to admit it months after I’d been questioning him about it. Honesty has always been a huge issue in our relationship. After I found the latest batch of whiskey bottles he promised me he would again seek help, start going to AA and admit to his friends and family he had a problem. He also promised to live a completely sober lifestyle going forward. I still search our house on a somewhat regular basis and his gym water smelled a lot like whiskey and water, I confronted him but didn’t tell him what I found. He swore he wasn’t drinking but did admit to buying marijuana to see if that would be an acceptable replacement for alcohol (even though I specifically said no marijuana as he’s used pot in the past to mask his drinking) and he admitted to going to a bathhouse to watch men together though he did not participate. (Turned out the gym water was actually just water). All of this has completely broken my heart and my mental health is shattered. I’m scared because I truly don’t think he understands what honesty is as he’s been lying to me for so long. We have been trying to see a marriage counsellor since last Christmas but due to finances and then Covid we haven’t been able to see one yet, we’re trying now and I think that’s the only reason I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. I love him, we have so much fun together and he’s truly my best friend but I can’t do this forever. He swears he’s not gay and to be honest I don’t care if he’s bi though obviously none of this behaviour is acceptable. I don’t know what I’m hoping to find here but I have only told a couple of people about our troubles and because of the sexuality aspect of some of our problems I have kept that part private as a courtesy to him, though I don’t know why. I am not perfect, I have cheated on him in the past (I came clean last year when I discovered his texts) but I haven’t cheated in about 7 years and he never knew at the time, I get angry and I could use a nicer tone when I ask for things... anyway I just needed to write all this down I think. We have two small children so it makes everything that much harder.
So you still want to make it work with a man who doesn't have sex with you, lies to you, is a drunk and presumably isn't the best dad.
@CKBlossom He’s a great dad, and is currently sober. My biggest issue is with his lying to me; he’s terrible with confrontation and will hide things and not necessarily consider it a ‘lie’. I’m obviously not ok with that and we’ve had many discussions about it. Divorce is hard, it’s messy, it’s expensive and difficult and quite permanent. We haven’t had ANY therapy together yet and I would really like to try therapy before throwing in the towel entirely. I thought this was a community of support?