Hi i need some advice and an outside opinion, Im going to tell events as objectively as i can and its gonna be a long one, and i may jump around alot between my parents and my current fiance, but to try to give background on events.
I got with a girls 9 years younger than me, when we got together i was 26 she was 17, I am a 6ft medium sized man and she is 5'9ft and a heavier set woman, she claims I am her first boyfriend and I know she was a virgin when we got together. Our families have known each other for years i wouldnt say they were close but they were classed as friends.
When i got with her we seemed to just click, had similar opinions on things, similar music taste and likes.
She had an estranged abusive father she was only raise by her mother who did anything and everything for her, she was never bullied and had a reputation for being strong minded.
I was raised by both my mother and father in a very disfunctional family, my father and mother fought often, my sister was the apple of my mothers eye and could do no wrong where as myself and my brother were left to our own devices, my sister often used to get me and my brother into trouble by lying about us and my mother would believe her and she would get nasty with us and my sister would then gloat. My sister and mother are both High level narcissists with both physical and mental abuse the physical mainly from my sister.
I was Badly bullied at school as was my brother, I suffer from depression, anxiety. PTSD and bad OCD. Now thats our family backgrounds shortened to give a rough idea of things.
In the beginning of the relationship my fiance seemed very understanding, loving and helpful she seemed to only want to build me up. We loved spending as much time together as we could and when we were apart we would text constantly through out the day, love seemed to come very fast 1 month into it fast and i believed Id met the one. A few weeks in she seemed to suddenly snap and stop talking to me for something small (I was staying at her house, I can neither drive nor had much independence at the time as my father was my main carer) I was staying at her and her mothers house for a week this was 2 days in and i immediately started panicking asking for forgivness and asking what I had done and why she wasnt talking to me (In trust a few weeks prior i had told her my mother used to ignore me for days as a form of punishment) she kept silent for 2 hours neither speaking or acknowledging my existence. I froze up went silent didnt know what to do thinking i had done something serious, after 2 hours she jumps on me laughing saying it was a joke, I was so relieved i didnt even question at the time the sickness of her joke, the week goes on and once again she does it and claims i insulted her (I have no recollection of saying anything at the time, it seemed we were watching tv one minute then she was ignoring me and when i asked what i had said she informs me i should already know. doubting my self i say "Im so sorry for whatever it is i said, I dont want to upset you and had never ment to" after a further hr of ignoring me she pokes me and cuddles into me, again i feel relieved the ordeal is over so i dont question it. the week finishes and we arrange to see each other again by me staying at hers as it was easier for her if i was visiting. months went by with similar instances random and far between some with her swearing at me and calling me a name like "f*** D**khead" or "stupid tw*t", one instance she sits on my knee for 1 and a half hrs and i get an itch she refuses to move and is finding my uncomfort increasingly funny, as the itch is in a very intimate place it eventually gets too much, I stand up while trying not to left her fall and hurt herself, I then excuse myself to scratch, and wash my hands, when i go into the room and go to sit next too her she tells me to "p*ss off" and not to sit next to her whilst at the same time kicking and punching me in the ribs and legs, one kick was so high it barely missed my face (we both wear glasses). after a while she storms out of the room and her mother asks if im alright, I say no i dont understand why she treated me like that, her mother tells me i must have hurt her when i stood up and mad her feel "fat" when i complained about my discomfort. when she enters the room im ignored for a further 2 hours during which im again apologising incase i hurt her and hurt her feelings, again she pokes me kisses me and goes back to being "loving". a few days pass and she starts crying asking why her friends are abandoning her (at this time i had only met one of her friends who she is still close with to this day) I try to resure her saying she still has her friends and she can meet mine and see if she can make friends with them also. she says i dont love her and i say of course i do, infact i believe she is the one and propose to her on the spot, not being able to afford a ring i take the one iv been wearing since i was 12 and offer it to her and say the sentimenal value of the ring was high so although it wasnt much of a ring the meaning behind it would show i love you, i then say i will buy her a proper one as soon as i can afford it. she seems happy. a week goes by and i inform my family of the news, everyone seems happy, 2 days later my sister falsly accuses my father of things and my parents marriage ends abruptly, my mother then kicks my father out 2 days later she does the same to me in order to move my sister and her family in with her, my father not having anywhere else to go moves in with a friend and his family and i am left homeless, not having ever had to face anything like this before i crumble, my fiance then moves me in with her and her mother temporarily until i can find a place of my own. with in 3 weeks after the help of her mother i find a place to live in the next street to my fiance. after which my fiance informs me and anyone who will listen what she went through and how difficult it was for her when i was kicked out and lost my home, during this time i ask how does she think it affected me, she says i was fine because her and her mother helped me but the stress of having her engagememnt week ruined by my being made homeless and my family being destroyed was very upsetting for her and a stressful time for her. At that time i started thinking who the hell am i with but now i cant leave her after all she has put up with and all her mother has done for me. she and her mother then start tellimg me i shouldnt buy computer games or anything else as it isnt fair on her because she has no money, iv bought her things and paid money for her new engagement ring but maybe i am just being greedy and spending too much money on myself. I slowly start disliking the time we spend together and see more and more she treats me like a slave, she tells me she has helped me grow as a person and when i dont do as she asks the help her mother gave me is then thrown at me to make me feel guilty, her attitude grows worse by the week, screaming tantrums, insults, belittling me, making me perform increasingly degrading acts, I enter her house and with in minutes she forces me to take my top off infront of her mother and she doesnt give me my top back until it is time to go home (this is every day), sometimes im allowed to get a drink or go to the toilet with out harrassment others im forced to ask her permission using specific phrases such as "please miss may i go to the toilet please", others if i wish to sit down or leave a room se blocks my way and asks for a random password, her mother supporting her sometimes in the way i ask for permission or trying to tell me the password when im asked. this goes on for 8 months. We begin pooling our money for a wedding fund which she keeps in a tin in her house i try to put 50 in a month and after 3 months she tells me i have only put 50 in and the rest is hers. I come into a lump sum of 1000 pounds and imediately open a savings account for my half of the wedding fund she demands i put in the 370 which "she" saved up, I start by saying maybe its better to keep our 2 halves seperate incase anything happens she accuses me of having no love for her and no trust in the relationship, so i eventually give in putting the money we saved in the bank i decide instead of arguing about the 370 and who put what in id just class that as all hers and any money she made me put in from her would be put in via cash and all money i put in would be direct bank transfer that way i have a written black and white proof of who put what in, since then she hasdnt put any more in and we are now on 1570 in the fund. During this period i have no sex drive but when she asks me to have sex with her even if i say no she continues to grab at my crotch and place my hand on hers she then starts forcing me to undress saying its ok she just wants to feel my skin against hers then after she gets her way the sex acts become more to the point i go along with it just to stop another argument or to avoid being shouted at, this isnt enough she becomes increasingly annoyed if im not smiling through out and an argument insues anyway, sometimes i ejaculate prematurely or dont at all the first was a problem i hadnt previously suffered with, as my tablets have the side effect of stopping male ejaculation whilst on them. when the first happens she starts saying its not my fault but then for the rest of the night insults and makes fun of me for it. As i try to avoid going to hers i become more suicidal and am forced to seek more professional help, during this time she begins being very supportive again and then returns to her pervious behaviour, as my therapy goes on i start to see increasingly what she is doing but i blame myself wondering if i made her this way or thinking maybe im being to over sensative. My father moves in with me realising im on the edge, she doesnt like this saying with him here my house is no longer a sanctuary to her and iv taken her only escape. Whilst my father is here he sees all but the sexual things and tells me i should get away from her and why am i still with her, he tells me the way she treats me is insane but i say she is under stress and i will get away from her when i can but this never happens im too afraid, I dont know what she will do and the thought of a confrontation with her makes my stomach hurt and i cant eat my head also hurts. recently for the past couple of months we seem to argue all the time, im either not msging enough or not trying to understand her stresses she claims when she screams at me and says increasingly hurtful things she cant help it and the doctors are sending her to be tested for epilepsy and i need to be more understanding and supportive. this past week my sister has stared with her trouble again so i havent msged my fiance as much as i would usually, iv been doing self help hypnosis "say no" and "care less what other people thing of me" she tells me her friends are all saying she should leave me and she could do better, she says her friends can tell when she is unhappy anfd they can tell its all my fault that i dont understand her stress, that im unsupportive of her stresses with college work, that they say im a ******* after the last time i tried to stand up to her. Her mother was angry at me i had made her feel bad when i confronted her about her "tantrums" as my father calls them. this week has been hell for me iv been trying to keep it together but i feel im loosing my mind, I ask myself is it my fault, when she shoutys at me for not texting enough she has said "after all my mother and i have done for you and u cant even support me with the stresses of my course work". maybe i am to quiet and keep to myself too much, maybe i dont support her enough and maybe i dont go over enough, she says sat, sun, mon and tuesday arent enough. she has recently accused me on a bus of hitting her when i went to take my arm from round her. she says i only care about my problems and fake the constant headaches and feelings of being run down, that im no fun anymore and im always depressed.
Please someone am i just being over sensitive and if not how can i get the courage up to get the hell away from her, she has a key to my house as i do to hers , she has left things in my house and if i get away from her i dont want a confrontation when i goto give her, her stuff back.
would anyone class this as an abusive relationship or am i just being over sensative? Or am i actually the abuser? she says i scream at her suddenly out of no where but i cant remember and people iv asked say they dont think so I dont know what to think anymore, I dont know If im just crazy or if she is actually this nasty.
Gingino, I will give a short answer to your long post and say, clearly you are dealing with a pair of sociopathic abusers in the extreme. I've read a lot on Support Groups over the past months, but I haven't seen anything like what you're dealing with. Your instincts are 100% correct...you need to get away from this woman and this situation as soon as you can and have nothing more to do with these people ever again. And also, please get some counseling...you have been through some terrible things and need all the help you can get to recover. You are NOT crazy, nor are you the abuser. Please get yourself out of this!
@tabbylady thank you so much for the reply. Last night i tried to end it with her. writing it down made me realise i need to end it with her for my own safety. she proceeded to have a "fit" paramedics were called and they weren't impressed with her, telling her mother that she was exaggerating the "fit" and could see, hear and move aswell as speak although it was gibberish even though they were actual words "mam i need him" and in one case "please dont leave me" said very fast over and over. She was asked by said paramedic to stop the nonsense, she continued so the paramedic was forced to call an ambulance, both of these paramedics told her to walk into the ambulance, she was offered no help. When she walked into the hospital with her mother i quietly asked the paramedic if he thought it was fake? he said "He cant speak for the blackouts she claims as he hasnt seen them but in his opinion, if i even need to ask then i already know the answer" so yup faked. after hours of tests and waiting we were told it wasnt a fit but they cant be sure she was faking it as she wasn't very co operative and has already been booked in with a neurologist for "zone outs" where she will stare into space for 2 minutes or less. I finally got home at 4:30 this morning and for the moment feel im stuck, but im so disgusted with her display and wasting the hospitals time. Iv copied and pasted the events from another post I have on the abuse group. Today however she seems to be acting like nothing has happened, she must realise im annoyed she is getting the most basic answers from me, she actually wanted me to go over today but i said no im too tired. Im going to the doctors first thing and asking if i can see psych services again as I need help to get away from her. she said early hours of this morning "see how much i love you, when i thought u were going to break up with me I had a panick attack) I immediately felt sick. She is using emotional manipulation to stop me from leaving her, she cries and she knows i cant stand to see anyone cry iv been conditioned from birth to come running and do anything a crying person asks and its one of the things im mad at myself about, I know what she is doing but there is that second guessing myself and that feeling of guilt i cant avoid i need help to not fall for or even feel when i can see what she is doing.
Thanks to you both. Tonight she was trying to get me to tell her that our relationship was alright and "we" were ok. When i didnt reply within 3 mins she started hounding me saying she is worried i want to break up. I felt sick and new she was trying to rope me back in so i called my aunty a big source of support for me who has dealt with people like this herself, she calmed me down telling me to breath and with that help i told my fiance that both me and her seriously need to think carefully before we make any decisions. She tried phoning me during this a few times even leaving a voice mail saying "please dont end it, i dont want you to leave me, please answer your phone" she sounded sad like she was or had been crying, again i felt guilty and sick, i took a few deep breaths and sent her a msg that said "i need time to think, please stop ringing me i feel pressured but need to think, i will talk to you tomorrow". She seemed to give up just sending an ok. 20 mins later she sent me another msg saying "i dont want this to end and will do anything to keep our relationship, i pray you feel the same, i dont want to loose you. I will talk to you tomorrow". I didnt open the facebook msg, i read it through an email notification, since then i have removed facebook messenger from my phone and ipad and turned my phone off completely. I felt pressured and pushed tonight that she demanded an answer that we were supposed to be ok, she seemed to goad me and push me to giving an answer when i just dont have the mental energy to have a confrontation tonight. i hope i have the strength to end it, i know i need to but iv been going from feelings of guilt to loss to remembering how perfect she seemed in the beginning. I just cant seem to shift this horrible stomach and chest pain or the feeling of being sick, i feel horrible like im a ******* for wanting to leave her and end it
@tabbylady I’ve been off for the last month because I went back with my ex and guess what he dumped me again. After me giving my heart and soul back into it, he text me and said I love you but don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he came back to me begging and pleading to make it right! And here I am heartbroken all over, I promised myself I wouldn’t be here again
U r with a psychopath, pedifile female rapist. She is a mental tormentor, and her and her mom loves to steel ur money. How much more proof do u need before u break up with her and file a restraining order before she murders u. And she will.
@tabbylady thank, I really believed it was forever this time, he was talking marriage and making it different and it just became the same old, quickly
Hi so tonight it all finally came to a very big end. I got home after my exam and within 45 mins she started with the msgs saying the wait was killing her, how much she loved me and to please ring her and if i loved her to give her an answer now. I ignored all msgs trying to get my energy back and then she sent the last msg "Im coming over now please answer the door" i sent her a msg saying no, id asked for time to think but she had pressured me and hadnt given me a second to think, so it was over id send someone round with her things, and not to come to my door as i wouldnt answer. She got to my door and banged and banged and then shouted through to answer the door, i said to go away i wasnt answering. She begged and pleaded phoning my and my fathers phones msging and going on and on over and over and she wouldnt stop, she said she just wanted in to talk so i said no she just wanted to wear me down and i told her to go home again and again. She started getting nasty at this point she refused to leave said she wasnt going anywhere started kicking amd hammering on the door and screaming. I phoned her uncle to please come and get her so he phoned her mother, it took her 20 more mins to come this had been going on for an hr, her mother tried to get her to leave but again she refused and this went on for a further 15 mins, eventually it got so bad her violent behaviour forced me to call the police which i hadnt wanted to do, i didnt want her getting into any trouble but felt i had no choice. Once the police came they got my house key back off her, she had tried to use it a number of times to force her way in. They gave her a caution not to come back and that was that. Since iv again felt guilty, sad, physically sick, paranoid and anxious as hell. I just know its not over in my gut i know this kick off tonight had just been the start
Way to GO !!!! Keep loving yourself... Gingino
@debbi229 Thanks loads. today I went out with my dad to help get my mind off things and since she and her mother were blocked off everything I started getting msged off her best friend, seems she has been told a load of false stuff about yesterday so I took a deep breath told her i was sorry she had been dragged into it, told her it was over and if my now ex wanted a reason last night was a prime example, then i told her friend that i refused to talk about it anymore, she seemed to understand to an extent and said she would stop msging but tbh im still not convinced she is finished with her blow up today iv got this calm before a storm feeling, im on edge thinking what is coming next but im determined to not let her ruin anymore of my life. She may have the power to make things difficult but i wont give into her, I cant give into her.
So it appears my ex and her mam have been spreading around that i broke up via text and thats why she came storming over to mine... As opposed to the truth which is she came storming round to mine and THATS y i broke it off that way. So far people seem to be believing her left and right, i feel so low and lost right now like there is no way out, i know that sounds silly its only been a few days but i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up, i just want everything to stop the world to stop. Im in bed now and praying i dont wake up everything is just so messed up. How the hell did i get myself into this situation i feel like iv screwed up my whole life and its just not going to stop spiralling down
Thanks again to everyone. I have been looking over the site and it looks brilliant iv bookmarked it to go through tonight. All day iv felt lost, ignored by people already and taken off there social media. Iv learned my ex has been telling them i dumped her by text on the day her grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Problem is they dont know she knew about her 80 yr old gran for months, she is missing out the bits about the hitting, spitting in my face and calling me every name going, then trying to kick my front door in. Its left me feeling sick how many people have fallen for it. A few people she hated even have but the good side is there is a family that she called her best friends who arent going for it and are staying neutral as they know what she is like. Its just a blind hope but maybe people will see what she is in time and what she has done.
Today im feeling really lost. I realise she was a psycho but i cant help but feel lost, i miss her and it really does hurt so much. Why in the hell do i miss her though. Its only been a few days and i feel completely hopeless like there is no way out that too much has happened, i cant eat, cant sleep, cant concentrate on anything and im starting to wonder what the point is