Hi I was wondering how do you guys deal with triggers? I found out about my husband was having an affair 8 months ago. We decided to get help and work on our marriage. He has been opened about everything. But I still get triggers and I get so mad that I don’t know how to control what I say. I just need some help on how to deal with all this without lashing out on him. Not that he doesn’t deserve it but he is really trying to his hardest to fix our marriage and I want to fix us and move forward. I’m always seeing the positive on things and I have hope that his affair is just something in the past. I just need to control my emotions. Help please!
Welcome. Triggers are very hard. It does get easier with time. I find when I get one, first I have to take some deep breaths (in the earlier days my anger was my prominent emotion) I have to calm down and think about something else. Later I would address it when my emotions weren't so intense. Remember we are in trauma so for me my whole way of thinking and processing went out the window after dday.
Exercise, especially cardio, was my go to for stress release. It releases endorphins which boost your mood, it helps with sleep, and it releases the pent up stress. Changing things up in the moment and doing something to distract my brain also helped if I was alone when the trigger hit. Sometimes I’d just send myself a text with everything I was feeling in that moment.
Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight was also invaluable to my husband and I for identifying and breaking unhealthy communication patterns. Above all, our therapist told my husband that during triggers he needs to be there, in the fire with me. That means really trying to understand and experience the level of pain and other emotions I was dealing with in those moments because of his choices.
@devastatedinptbo Our marriage therapist recommended the Hold Me Tight book to us last week and I thought of you!
For me when I would get a trigger it was not pretty at all! I scared my husband and myself with how angry and out of control I could get. I learned that I needed to remove myself from the situation by going for a walk my husband left a few times I think because he knew that I needed him to get away from me. The best thing I ever did was kick him out of our house when I caught him. There is no way I would ever have forgiven him if I had to see his face every day I was that mad at him. I think it was good for him also so he could realize what life without me was like. He did not like it, I on the other hand would be fine.
Find out what calms you down or what makes you happy. Find someone to talk to during those moments. Or just cry and let it out. Everyone is different find what works for you. Remember it's time to focus on yourself now. Get to know yourself better will help you too
Yeah I have so many triggers on my wife's cheating thing. Supposedly no sex though, but it still eats me to the core of my soul. But recently I'm reading that we cant live in fear of them, in fear of them doing it again. They cant change the past and the only way to trust them is to trust yourself and make sure u instill in your brain that you will b fine with or without him. I believe controlling ur fear will help you reconnect with him and move forward to a more healthy relationship.
Hi @Bella82 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this triggers from your husband's betrayal. I just want to encourage you to take each day at a time. I know from experience, that it can take time for the triggers to stop. I had to make the decision to choose the path of forgiveness and it was a daily decision. Some things that helped me was the many months of counseling I received from a wise and trusted mentor of ours, seeing my husband being truly remorse by his words and actions and doing his best to rebuild the broken trust and make himself accountable. Try and be gentle with yourself and know that even though some days will bring painful emotions for you that you are on the journey of healing and reconciliation and there will be light at the end of this tunnel. I hope the near future brings you healing, strength, peace and new memories of loving moments with your husband.