Hi everyone, I hope you will understand if I don't share my name...part of the fear, but I think most of you can relate. I started having symptoms of PTSD as a child, but no one knew enough to diagnose or get me the help I need until I had a nervous break down about three years ago and sought help and did research myself. I ended up in a counseling center and being diagnosed with PTSD two years ago. All in all, I am doing okay. I started with 11 identifiable triggers but now have 4 that continue to bother me. I'm in school as a Psych major and I have a beautiful family. But, I think we all know how hard it can be when even one trigger arises.
Lately, I have been under an incredible amount of stress and I can't make anyone understand. I weaned myself off of meds (the zombie life style just wasn't for me) with my doctor's help and have found other ways to compensate, but now I am unable to use my skills and activities. This is just adding to the stress. I am feeling completely alone and tired and just...sad.
I have been abused, neglected, and betrayed all my life. Now, I recently found out that my husband had a relationship with another woman. It never got physical, but there were emotions involved and the lack of physical expression was only due to lack of opportunity. My husband realized it was wrong and ended things after our first child was six months old (this was five years ago). For that, I'm grateful. But, the pain of that betrayal won't leave me alone and the symptoms/triggers that I had under control are now in chaos. He's done everything to make it up to me and is loving, attentive, and doesn't complain when I demand to know everything he does and everyone he talks to. But, I still feel like I'm waiting for him to change his mind.
My sister is going through a divorce and I don't want to add to her problems. My parents are under the impression that PTSD isn't a "real" thing and their advice for everything is "move on" or "get over it." My pastor is wonderful, but he's busy and I feel guilty pestering him when we're already counseling with him. No one understands how this could aggravate the disorder.
I'm struggling to find an outlet since we moved and I lost my therapist and can't find another one I like. I can't go to the gym since I have to work a full time job on top of my full time course load in college and I need to see my kids sometime. I sit in the bathroom sometimes with the shower running and just cry...then I actually take a shower to erase the evidence.
I've worked so hard to overcome this, but now it's all right back in my face. I refuse to go back on meds, and I can't let my fear win, so I looked for any new information that could help me. I stumbled on this site and thought you guys would understand. I guess I just needed to vent.
I do love him...very much. We have a great life and marriage. When I am in the midst of an episode, he always seems to know whether he should hold on to me or let me go. The only times I saw him cry was each time we welcomed a child into the world and when he admitted his mistake to me. I know his remorse is genuine and I know he's a wonderful person. There's just this fear of whether I'm good enough. I know a lot of it is the stress and the increase in flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, etc. But, I still fight this fear that I'll lose everything good I've fought so hard for.
I'm in school despite being told that I can't hack it and I'm not smart enough. I'm a survivor. I don't back down when I find an obstacle. I refuse to do so now. I'm just so ready to reap the benefits of my sacrifices and accomplishments.
I want to trust my husband again. I can't do that right now. I need time. He doesn't even expect me to, but I expect me to. I have developed a treatment plan for my complex PTSd (with the approval of my drs), and implementing it is hard. But, I've overcome so many hurdles. I can't let this get in the way. But, then, I wonder if I'm beautiful enough, sexy enough, smart enough...all those inadequacies I've learned from the multiple abusers of my past...and can I keep his attention for the rest of our lives?
I know this will only make me stronger...I'm in school to be a Psychologist for crying out loud! I know all the answers logically. But, there's no logic in PTSd.
Hi Yatzee - welcome aboard - it is great that you are here!
I understand the stress you feel and I also know how difficult it is to find a counselor that can really help. I have a trauma therapist that is the best in my city and I know she does appointments over skype. If you are interested I could PM you her information. She has helped me enormously in the last year!
I also understand people saying "get over it". We can't because we are stuck and it replays in our head over and over and over. Then it becomes isolating and frustrating and just adds to your overwhelm. I get that you are getting your degree, and you know certain tools to use, but when triggered I just feel like a caged animal and I just can't access all that information. It seems so easy when I am "back" but not during those times.
You have overcome so much! We don't get cured - we heal, one memory and trigger at a time. The stress you feel may be the trigger - overwhelm gets us every time. I understand all the different directions you are being pulled - something has to give - and maybe it is your emotional health.
Who told you that you aren't smart enough for school? That is really manipulative and abusive, so would I be correct to assume it was a family member? If so, you know better than to play that tape in your head - change the station - nobody wants to listen to the "oldies".
What other tools do you use to manage this? I'm interested to know what you have learned. :)
Dare - I like your 4 s's - those are very, very true! I think those would cover most emotional problems, not just PTSD.
I'll write that down in my little book of "nuggets of information"! Thanks - I love finding little treasures like that. ;)
Thanks, dare. I am familiar with the 4 s' and use them, though in my own way. I focus every day on one area of health for a certain amount of time...
I learn something new and feel proud of what I learned
Sometimes it's as simple as reminding myself who I love and who loves me and then making some kind of contact with one or more of them.
I exercise either at the gym or in my living room for at least 10 minutes. (This is also how I keep stress levels down and protect against anxiety.)
For me this is a prayer journal. I write my prayers to God and speak honestly, then I read the bible and find a verse that applies to how I'm feeling.
If I meet all of these, my self care, self worth, socialization, and spirituality needs will be met.
"I can do this": I would love to share some of my tips with you. above is just one of them, but I have a ton. :) I can PM some of them to you if you like or just reply here...up to you. (some are detailed and may trigger you or others)
I like your system Yatzee - sounds very balanced. It's very along the lines of what I've been working on doing.
Dare the book is The PTSD Workbook. I've only just started but really like it. And I enjoy participating in the posts with others reading and doing the exercises.
And ditto - I support anyone sharing and tips or tricks or techniques that help them with their healing. You never know what might resonate with someone else and help.
Hi and welcome! I am sure you will find everyone here super supportive. As for not using your name, you will notice most everyone hasn't given their name. I don't think it's unusual or indicative of anything. Other than good internet safety practice. :)
I would love you hear some of your tips and ideas. If you read some of the posts, you will find lots of sharing of ideas. Some will work for you, some will not, but they are all offered with good intent.
I know that I have benefited a great deal from posting a new discussion with a question, and then getting everyone's ideas.
You may also noticed there isn't a lot of detailed sharing about "our stories".
It seems to me that this site is not so much about comparing our stories as it is about focusing on our healing journey. The bottom line is we ALL have experienced trauma, otherwise we wouldn't have ptsd. :) That's not to say you can't or shouldn't discuss your trauma. Just please don't feel like you have to.
I would love it if you would share your tips on what helps! I think it is a great idea! It sounds like everyone agrees - so go for it. I'm sure you'll find it will help you just to write it all down for us.
I look forward to it - in any form you want to do it, one at a time or all at once - up to you! :)