Hi..Over the last several weeks I've been trying to help my adult daughter deal with depression. She lives about 6 hours away from me and we aren't very emotionally close either. She is having a relationship crisis and when she has asked me for help she is so very depressed, won't seek any kind of proffessional help and hates all the ideas |I have to try and help her. Last week she has told me not to contact her anymore and I'm very upset and worried about her. My sister and I went to see her a couple weekends ago and she was mostly unresponsive to our attempts to help her..she's not been eating or sleeping but was still managing to go to work...Several professional people have told me I can't do anything to help someone who doesn't want help and I have to start taking care of myself. I find it heartbreaking to not know if she's okay or not. She has been blaming me for all her troubles and I feel quite guilty and depressed myself. I've been looking into therapy for myself. I'm wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this kind of thing and if I'm doing the right thing and helping myself first instead of still trying to help my daughter. She is either using me as a punching bag to make herself feel better, or in her state of depression really believes I'm responsiible for her problems. She is 27 and I'm 52. Either way I feel like such aa failure as a mother. I do have 2 other adult children, we live on a ranch and it is during calving and a very stressful time of year anyway, plus I think the winter has given me a case of SAD. I can't stop thinking and worrying about my daughter and I'm not enjoying anything in life anymore :( Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks
I am glad you care so greatly for your daughter. Love is an amazing thing. It sounds like she is hurting deeply and could have some chemical challenges. It is unfortunate that she is not willing to go see a professional. I am 34 and do not have a good emotional relationship with my mom. I do know that she loves me and she is not the first one that I would go to to help with my depressive thoughts. We don't speak the same love languages.
Please don't feel like a failure. Your love shows that you are a good mom and only want what is best for your daughter. It is hard to not take on her feelings. It is important to let her have her feelings and let her make her choices. How did she interact with you when she was a child? Did she love snuggle time, play time with mommy or talk time. Think about what made her smile when she was little. Bring that to an adult level. My mom is not a hugger but if she came up to give me a hug it would be awesome.
Keep up loving her. You are a terrific mother for it!
Try to hang out in the sunshine or go to the tanning bed for 5 minutes of rays. The vitamin D is much needed for our bodies to help keep the 'happy' in our lives.
Hugs!!!
My suggestion is to stay positive, Pray to god to provide her with some guidance and that this young woman needs to realise that allowing herself to remain depressed will not accomplish anything... Yes, it's very true that you can't help those who won't admit they have an issue.. see for thierselves what they are doing and change the behavior... Depression can be overcome when a person can start to look forward and have positive ideals, Not feel as a loser, rather a lion, not a chump, rather a champ.
In My View, Depression is the old devil just putting words in peoples minds to make them feel awful, He preys on the guilt and sorrow, they become numb, have all kinds of things going on in thier mind.
Stay positive for yourself, please, you will never be able to help her if you allow her to take you out as well......
great advice Ron!
Thank you.
Hi..thanks for your advice..both of you...when my daughter was little she was very needy and it seemed what ever I did for her was not the right thing..example..she's want a snack and I'd list 30 things and wouldn't like any of them..now she was asking me for advice and I'd list the things I could think of for her to do to get better and feel better and she refuses to do any of them..now says I've f'd up her life and won't talk to me now. She always felt she got less when in fact her whining always made her get more..attention, etc. When I went to see her I tried to hug her and she was unresponsive, we did things for her..painted most of the interior of her house " to make her feel better" it didn't help. I brought her gifts, she wasn't interested..I wanted to take her out..shopping or to a movie, etc..she wouldn't go. Short of getting her commited and force treatment on her..which she has said over and over she won't do anyway what can I do? She feels I never encouraged her to go to University..she went to college instead..first for massage therrapy, then for LPN we paid for them both..she owns her own home, she has 3 part time jobs as an LPN, one in a nursing home, 2 in the hospital..she is studying online to be an RN. I'm very proud of her. She thinks I spent too much time with my other 2 children..both adults and both live closer. I think she has the typical middle child problems and feel deprived..I've tried to be as fair as possible with all three of my children. I don't think I'm very emotionaly close with any of them and blame some of it on my up bringing..alcoholic father and physically and mentally ill mother..big long story..I had hoped I could give my children a better home but this one daughter has made me feel anything and everything I do is wrong...it is wrecking my sanity as I am having a hard time dealing with the fact I have scarred her so badly. It's pure hell not knowing if she's alright or not and when I asked one of her friends to check on her..one that said she was already concerned about her..this was part of what led to her not talking to me. I am praying that she is alright and I can only know in my heart that I did the best I knew how to do..parenting is an awful hard job..it's breaking my heart.
You know how when you are on an airplane, and they say if the oxygen deploys, put your mask on before putting the mask on your children?
Yep. You will be no good to anyone if you collapse from depression yourself.
Absolutely. Get some therapy. It may be that your daughter will be more receptive to help later down the line, but you have to keep yourself upright.
And God bless you.
UMM excuse me.... This kid has gone to school, is an LPN and studying to be an RN and she is saying you messed her up?
I hate to be the bearer of very bad news.... You did a good job, Sounds like you need to just let her be... what her problem is a case of self centeredness and resentment towards you.... She needs to "Grow Up" and stop blaming others for her situation...
Thats what I see, and I work with people like this all the time, people who have nothing better to do than blame others for something, and never move on and truly heal.
Now as for you... Go out and have a fudge sundae, and enjoy yourself.... Pray for her and just let her know that you love her, and will be there when she is ready to be your daughter again.
Ron..your comment made me smile because I had a caramel sundae for supper :) I just feel bad that my daughter is going through a break up that has left her feeling so bad about herself and depressed so when she asked me to help I didn't realise that to make her feel better she was going to tear me down....I am usually tettering on shakey ground anyway..and she probably knows that, smart girl that she is...everyone has told her to dump the ****, I was the only one that was trying to make her feel better,,,I have been praying for her ( one of my sisters said some one in the bible prayed for their child for 23 years before her prayers were answered..so I've only been at this for a short while compared to that) and since she won't talk on the phone I've been sending her an inspirational card weekly... it just doesn't feel like enough
Thanks so much for your feed back :)
this is an awesome site..thank you everyone!! My family and friends thanks you too so I can quit pestering them for my feel good fix :)
Great minds think alike! ( Sundaes) : )
just keep praying..... ShHHHHH, I have something to tell you. My daughter didnt have anything to do with me for 25 years, I just kept praying..... now she calls me dad. and we talk.... But I never got in her face, I just kept reaching out to her and telling her I am here... So, I know that the power of prayer works, especially when you are serious about it, and not just doing it out of saying words....
My girlfriend Called me a liar and dumped me over something pretty stupid in my book, I broke a promise so I can help someone. So I tried to make her understand she was being hypocrytical, NO luck.... So, I prayed to god seriously that he opens her eyes to see how wrong she is.... Guess what!
She text me a few days ago, very upset, She apparently found her 18 yr old daughters journal, started reading it, her daughter had written that she loves her mother very much, but she does not trust her. Why? Because her daughter believe she is a liar and a hypocryte. WOW
God opened that womans eyes in a way I never could, It took someone who My GF held so dear to make her see that she was being very unfair to people.
God will help your daughter if you just pray for her.
DMC, I agree with Ron and other posters... YOU DID do a WONDERFUL job being a good Mom! SO good a job, that at 27 she can still play you like a fiddle because she knows what an awesome, loving, supportive person you are. That's not an insult. My oldest daughter once told me something very interesting... I asked her what I could have done differently to save her from a very hard thing she went through and she told me, "Mom, YOU couldn't have done anything to save me! But I am so sorry for putting you through what I did. I blamed YOU because I knew YOU would forgive me for taking it out on you". I did then tell her that she was out of the Will!! hehehe (That's kind of standing joke around here!! If I leave them anything it will be good memories and some handmade jewelry! Oh and maybe my tired old house! hehehe)
I have 6 children ranging in age from 26 to 12. (I know, I know.. it started out a hobby and ended up a profession!! hehehe) I love being their Mom and if one of my children was in the same boat as yours, I would have done exactly what you did. Your daughter is going through a very tough time, and it's excruciating for you to endure. That's because you are an amazing woman. She will get help when she's ready too. And what will probably floor you is that when she does want to get help, YOU will probably be the first person she calls to tell you about it. She knows you are there and that you will be there after she gets helped. In the meantime, you deserve to feel better so I too think you should get some counceling or therapy for your depression. Therapy has helped me so much! I know others here too, really have benefited from counceling and/or therapy.
I am very glad you are here! Supportboards has been a Godsend for me and my family!! I call it "my comfy place to land on some very tough days". So, pull up a chair, I'll make some chocolate caramel brownie coffee and be here if you need me.
So nice to meet you!!
Hugs, Suzee
Hmmmm..... Maybe I should have a sundae for supper! instead of Broccoli :(
Thanks for all your kind support!! I feel like I've come home..especially the ice cream and the coffee..man my favorites!!! I have a very close friend who is married to my cousin and is also a health nurse..I've been crying on her shoulder and she has the same warpped sense of humor as me..said we don't owe our children..they should just be glad we didn't put them in a sack with a rock....
I know my daughter will be alright ..she just scares me sometimes now that she is so depressed, I am so far away and she is not talking....
She should be glad that you got her to where she is, So many out there are truly dealing with REAL issues. But you know what? Metaphorically, she is Putting herself in a sack with a rock. Whatever you do, dont let her make you feel you are the one who is tying the sack closed...