Hi. I've never done this before, I don't know really what I

Hi. I've never done this before, I don't know really what I need to do or go where, but, this seems like someone will hear me here.
I'm married to a xanax addict, who is also abusive physically, verbally, and has cheated. Lies of course, galore.
We've been married since December of 2014. I had only met him and fallen in love with him 4 months prior. He came from a brutally broken home, as did i. He seemed to have all the answers for breaking down walls and healing from the past. He worked on me long and hard. I owe it to him for setting me out the worst of myself.
He found his family after he he went to rehab. This was about a year before we met. He went in for xanax, having had near suicidal car crashes from seizures of withdrawal. Most of it he planned to get attention from his mother, he told her once three days later I'll be dead, and set himself up for a seizure on the highway. He went to rehab, he came back stronger than ever. His family mended, stable jobs, steady income, picked up classes to finish his credits. Perfect.
When we met, things were great. For me, I was so proud of him and in awe of his accomplishments, and I knew he would have answered for my messed up childhood.
We near eloped, his family was with ys, my family was apprehensive; I was defensive. ..and my marriage to him isolated me from them for this. They couldn't stand him, and I was his wife and had to stand for my family now.
Over time, he became excessively controlling, abusive emotionally, he'd make constant sarcastic jokes about me to me making me feel stupid. If I was hurt, he'd tell me I had to man up. He controlled what I wore, when i was allowed to put my jeans in the laundry, who I was friends with-which ended up being no one but him. I couldn't speak my mind, in case he thought I sounded insulting. I couldn't turn around and say "are you crazy?" To say, him putting watermelon shell down the garbage disposal-because, oh how disrespectful. If I told him our car only took premium gas, he'd say I didn't know what I was talking about until 3 mechanics told him the same thing. I couldn't ask him if he thought this intersection was dangerous, because my opinion was wrong and I didn't know any better, because he knew more. (The previous month there was a fatal crash on that exit.) If I initiated intimacy, I was all kinds of bad professionals, and when he did, well. Only he did, and I was pushed off for his shower and other whatever it is he needs to do. I haven't mentioned the physical abuse yet. It was.. really bad. I've had kick bruises on my thigh (because he is kicking me when im already on the ground) that kept me from sleeping onmy sides. I know, you're thinking what the hell is she still doing there? I'm not blind to my own decision making I know I probably should have known better. He accredited all of this to my fixing stage, because he has to fix the broken parts and walls I built around my past.
We got past this. We were better than ever. We laughed and loved and we were happy. ..but he got extremely suspicious of me. He'd constantly check my phone, he made me delete all sorts of friends from social media, I was forced to change my number. ..he told me he would too. But of course, that wasn't something he was actually going to do. ..I was miserable. He would sit me down, tell me to sit down proper, look at the floor, while he scolded and went on rants to which when I'd interject, or say it just isn't true, he'd tell me I was interrupting so now I must be disciplined for that. He'd say, "you're dismissed". I'd just lose my mind about what reality was, cry nonstop, not eat. I just didn't understand.
And then I found him texting an ex girlfriend, facetiming her, telling her to wait for me to leave, that she could sure stay in her tank top because he's seen her without it anyway. Telling her he has a customer, that they should FaceTime in mute, that his heart felt heavy just looking at her. By the way I'm a knockout gorgeous beauty anyone would die for. NO JOKE.
I couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't even tell anyone, because then I'm a snitch and must be punished for that. ..I know. (I found out after we spent a long weekend away on vacation, that this was what he said a day prior to our departure.)
I crashed my car on my way to work in stop and go traffic; my mind wandered in self loathing. He didn't come to get me for a long time. We lived 5 minutes away. When he finally did show, and I was a mess, he dropped me off at the side of the road. I walked home. Rather I walked through the streets for a long time, just wandering. He called my ex housemate (the only person fully aware of my marriage) who took me to her place. Barely a day later I went crawling back to give him a chance, and I found xanax and meth, I questioned him, and he held my hand and started poking me with a sowing needle. ?????????
Oh yeah, I still went back. But I went to Ohio to my sister for a week. I just up and left after work. He didn't try to call me once. I came back myself. And when I did, it was all about how I left him. Not even 1 hr of my being home, he was violently throwing me around. Like, my elbows were holding me from the doors opening, and he was pulling my legs. I flew that morning.
His family denied it. He denied it. I live with his mother in law, she denied it. They blamed me. They blamed me for being irresponsible, for leaving.
We started seeing a councelor. I started first, because he forced me to, saying of course that I was the problem. My therapist told me early on that I needed to leave. He eventually made it to therapy with me. Things started getting better, it was hard work, but I felt like we were both working. It didnt magically change, hed still discipline me and refuse sex and make me feel stupid and insecure. I dropped weight like no ones business. I was a size 8, and i went down to a 0 in months and it wasnt pretty. This was something everyone we met saw and was concerned for. I went to the doctors, perfect to the T. Thats called some seriously unhealthy stress. He was still disciplining me and dismissing me, my therapist tasked me with silence, and journals, and no responses. To just see it happen and wonder what I'm getting from this marriage. Long, long hot showers.
Then in August, I found him reaching over the bathroom shelf. He pretended to look for a shower hook-they were all on though. He said he thought he saw one fly off. He exited, and I found his xanax.
He came clean eventually. He gave me all of his pills, wrote me an ultimatum himself, saying I should divorce him should he break this promise.
Of course he broke it three times later and was blatantly lying about it. What's this in your car? Oh I don't know someone else must have put it in my arm rest compartment thing? Um no.
But I stayed.
Until my birthday this past september. I turned 25. He couldn't write me anything better than happy birthday beautiful. He couldn't pick me up on time after work. He couldn't say happy birthday when we woke up, I asked him, he said he did last night. He told me what my present was-he could give me money to buy something for myself, or that he would look for something online to order. ..he took me to dinner, where he played the game machine while I ordered and felt miserable. He then scolded me and took me home crying because I looked miserable so he must discipline me. Later we went to watch sully. He slept through 85% of it. We went home and he went to sleep almost immediately.
And then there was more xanax the next day. This time he jumped up from the toilet to grab it before I saw. He then muzzled me like a dog to keep quiet with my questioning.
I left to go to my mom's that friday, I told him I'll take some time away, that's what my therapist advised (were still going together to try). He didn't like it, but he made no effort to make me stay. Instead of course as always, this was on me for leaving him. That Sunday he came over for a big family dinner thing. He said sorry and come home. I said that wasn't enough -he still hasn't admitted that he's taken xanax, these are just pills that are from before only now surfacing, so I'm basically over reacting and he never broke his promise-according to him. I wasn't going to take that story, so he said fine then stay there. I was a wreck and wanted to fix this, fix my almost again broken family, and I came crawling back begging for affection.
I came back, not that he was really sorry, he still denied it ever happened. So I came back to silent treatment. I held him and said how I was scared, I continuously begged for affection, to just be touched, and he didn't budge. Until he took out another xanax right in front of me from the car. He said what did it matter, because our relationship was already just silence. That what would he not do it for? Ofcourse, that was just so predictably blinding to me. Why not for me. Why not for this marriage. I took his pill, he said it counted in his books that he is telling me before taking it, that the last he took was 12 days ago. I took his pill from him, and went to get a drug test. He told me in his ultimatum letter that I could test him any time and he won't resist. So I came home, he was playing a game on his laptop (yes this is real) and I give him the test to take. He refuses saying he just took a pill. But I took the pill? Oh well he had another one. ...yeah I still have to go back to work, it's a parent teacher night.
I take one of my still unpacked bags and head towards the door. He chases me, throws me around and pulls the keys out of my hand. At this point I start yelling for my mother in law. She sees me on the ground, his arms still around me, and she starts blaming me for acting crazy and yelling. I lose my ****. I'm providing for this family every which way. I've lost my entire self for this ****. And she is so blind?? He is on drugs, forget him. What the hell is she on?? (Mommy blindness and denial)
I call my work, and say I can't come. I get my mom to pick me up. I think I'm leaving for good.
I printed out divorce forms and how tos, I request a removal from the leasing office of my name, I return my keys, I frantically search for apartments and cars and ways to leave this country asap on no money, I lease a car. I finally have a car :) ...and my heart falls apart. My moment of clarity could only last that long. We start meeting, we hold hands, he tells me he's sorry and, honestly I miss him. By now that's the only friend and companion I've had for a constant two years almost. I'm desperate for him to try. And he says he will. He picks me up in the middle of the street to just, pick me up and hold me. I can't not give him this chance he is asking for, he tells me he didn't think I'd give up on him. I just can't take that...
And so I moved back on Sunday. And and he failed that first drug test. He was still on it while he was asking for this chance. ...and I say Okay No More After This. I'm still intending on sending it to the lab and getting the actual results that are free with those home testers. He fights me on it and disposes of it. He skips class and doesn't tell me, he ismad because I'm getting agitated also. My agitation let's him swear at me, and now that he is only reacting to me which he thinks gives him a free ride to say WHATEVERRR, he says yeah I took more pills when you were gone, why wouldn't I have? He says no one asked me for this chance, I begged to come back no one wants me back. ...I feel like an idiot.
The next day, he is just nasty. He sends meangry words, then he sends my mom angry words .my mom knows what going on, so she doesn't respond. I'm on my way home from work, and he now tells me if I plan on staying I better pay him rent. I go home, and I tell his mom I don't know what he wants. I haven't confronted him yet.
She has some sort of talk with him I assume, and he leaves the house. He's been spending nights at his dad's now since tuesday. I'm still here.
Wednesday, I found him sleeping in bed when I got home from work. I just lay down on top of him and tell him I miss him. ..he tells me he's feeling hot and for me to move. Now he is pissed that I told his mom. He cusses, I leave and go eat food and watch TV with my mom and 14 yr old sister. He informs me when he's gone, that I can go reign--Whateve that means for me in this house. I tell him every night to come home, that I love him and that I miss him. He is still responding with abusives and how I am now a snitch and no one wants me and he never wanted me.

I don't know why I can't leave. I know that it is imperative to my safety and sanity hat I do. I know I deserve better and much much more. ...but I can't just be the one to close the door. His family has already checked out on him. All they see is the 4.0 and they're good with that. They've just gotten back not too long ago, and I threaten this healed put together pretend image. No one knows what really inside him, and no one gives two shots to try. Didn't I sign up to be his person? Didn't he dig deep in me to try and help me overcome my issues? How do I say I'm sorry, Imy probably the only person who will try for you, but peace I'm out??
Imy giving him chances he doesn't even think he needs.. am I also just enabling?? Or am I just holding on because I really have not overcome any of my issues and am selfishly crying victim, because let's face it, I've been crying victim in this marriage for a while now.

I want him to come home . If he came home and just held me and said it's okay and we'll be okay, I'llbe swept away like magic. Like a literal stupid fool I'm so easy. And he.. he is still disciplining me for switching and his "pay me rent if you plan on staying or leave" a day after I moved back in despite his failing test?

Are you reading this and thinking she is so pathetic? Because I am. And I hate that.

2 Hearts

You don't choose who you love.
But you can choose who to give your energy to. I learned [with a LOT of therapy], it's time to stop putting SO much energy into someone when I am awaiting a change in them. We don't have control over people and chosing to not be around people that lie to you [amongst everything else] does not mean you love them any less- no matter what they do to convince themselves.

1 Heart