Hi, my story: my SO of nine years had an emotional affair ( I think more happened--this is his claim) with a younger woman at his work. He said it lasted only 6 weeks--according to his phone records, it appears it was short lived. All the details are similar to everyone else and everything he says and does is questioned. What has me so hurt is that she sent him texts saying she loved him, and that she was home safe, and that she was sorry she left him with blue balls. * HE said it was 6 weeks--who says they love someone after 6 weeks if they weren't intimate?* This has got me so messed up. I would rather have not seen the texts, but then I may not have found out. I know in my heart, I cannot do this anymore. This is not for me.
I am going through a lot of change right now, and he is what I know to be familiar. I feel like I want him around for a level of comfort--but I know I don't need him, and I don't believe him, and I often look at him and think " I don't like you, you were mean to me!"
I am very hurt and sad. I too go from normal to crazy lady in matter of minutes; this is scary and not me. I really don't like feeling this way. And, he gets mad when I tell him my truest feelings. He says its very hard on him, and that he feels terrible about this and this is the worst thing he has ever done. He recently learned of some mental health issues he has ( he has been in denial since i met him) and has started therapy. I see growth, but I see my anger more.
I am going to start working out today, as I need an outlet for my anger and sadness. I know this will be helpful.
I have been through so much with him and I feel let down, disappointed, sad, betrayed, tired, embarrassed, alone, scared, and I am PISSED off!
Everything you are feeling is normal. It really is an emotional roller coaster, and unfortunately you have to go through and experience all of the emotions to heal. You’re spouse needs to understand that he is just going to have to learn to deal with and live with his shame and regret. That’s the consequence of his choices. By asking you not to talk about it or by tell you it makes him feel bad just demonstrates that he is still making everything about him. If he truly wants to see if the relationship can be rebuilt he needs to put aside his ego and do what is necessary for you to recover from this trauma now. Sweeping it under the rug will only prolong the pain and feelings of anger and distrust.
There are lots of good infidelity recovery resources out there. Search for the affair recovery video blog with Samuel and Samantha on YouTube. It addresses a lot of issues for both the betrayed and unfaithful spouses perspectives. Dennis Ortman’s book Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder was helpful, as was Shirley Glass, book ‘Not’ Just Friends. Individual therapy for both of you would also be a good idea.
I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard to process being betrayed. Especially if your husband shows any anger. Your emotions are all over the place because you have been through some major trauma. I am sorry but this will take awhile to go through. Finding an outlet for your anger and sadness is a good thing to do. You need to think about you and what you need now. The fact that he is in therapy is good are you going also? You need to get this pain out. Talking about your feelings will help so much. I would also question the fact that the ow said she loved him after such a short time, sounds like there might be more to the story to me.
@Floored Thanks for the reply. I am going to therapy. I have gone to therapy for many things–I am huge fan of understanding and allowing space for me to become the best me. We are going to try couples therapy, he said he wants to wait because he is overwhelmed with what he learned about himself at the last session. He started therapy about a year ago–those visits were because he had some parenting issues and mother issues. He just learned he has an attachment disorder (clearly!), he needs to up his meds, and how he thought " he knew all about himself" is now a different reality.
I understand this–I really do. And this very overwhelming. I asked him in his next session to tell her the truth about this “girl” and what he did. He said he didn’t try to not to tell her, he had so much to say --and then she diagnosed him–and then they ran out of time.
I get mad because I think, “when will he ever see the pain and heartache I am going through, and does he really see my worth and value as a woman and as a SO?!” He’s so crushed by his own behavior that i feel he doesn’t hear or see my pain.
This is so complicated, and exhausting! Who the heck signs up for this. (INSERT: NO ONE!! )
Wow. This is exactly what I went through. My husband and I have since worked it out, but reading your post hurt my heart. I know exactly how you're feeling. I choose to forgive my husband and work it out, but it's an emotional roller coaster every day. At first more day than not I wanted to cry, and was so angry with him. Then, slowly, it shifted. Now Im less angry and hurt, and cry less. Don't get me wrong. I've got my own set of difficulties in the process, and I'm only 6 months out. But it does get easier. Hang in there.
@Stayin_strong THANK YOU! Your words are helpful and I am sorry you have had to go through this, too. I agree with you, its so emotional, and these feelings takes all my being to stay moving forward. I get mad, because why do I have to work so hard on this…this BS was his problem. This is why I want to scream!! Have you been there too?
@trytounderstand2019, Hi,
I don't think I can be with my husband any more, he is not the person I knew, that I loved. I trusted him so much... This is all gone. He took all this away from me, from us, from our family. He keeps lying and I can't recognize him, it is so weird! A friend told me : He is not worth it, just be happy , that is the best revenge!... and that is my focus now. I want to have fun and enjoy life without him. If anyone plans any fun trips, restaurant, theaters, just let me know and I will join you with no more tears , not worth it !
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