Hi, since this group is called “healthy sex”, does anyon

Hi, since this group is called “healthy sex”, does anyone consider this healthy? I’ve been married 19 yrs, together 27. My wife has never been big on sex but she would do it and seemed to like somethings. As the years went on, it just got worse and worse, it’s always been me asking and getting rejected and told to leave her alone and go do it yourself. She blames depression on it and her meds which I could see to an extent. She makes me feel guilty asking so I don’t ask much anymore. To add to this, I caught her having a 2 yr affair almost 4 years ago. She basically told me she was horny and wanted to have sex with him because it was new and exciting. So I guess the excitement didn’t wear out for 2 yrs. Anyway, that is a whole separate issue and there has been a lot of pain and suffering and anxiety after all that. After that, I’ve told her many times that I can go on with her knowing she wanted it with someone else and not with me. Yet she does nothing to help with this. She never initiates and still makes faces and rolls her eyes if I ask. Then she just lays there and turns her head even like she doesn’t want me to kiss her. She’s told me that she’s loves me but isn’t in love with me but now says she does love and wants to be with me. I believe she’s only here so the kids won’t have divorced parents. I know 100% she hasn’t cheated since. She tells me we’ve been together a long time and this is just what happens after many years and you become like friends and I just need to accept that. I get a kiss when I walk in sometimes and a kiss before bed. She doesn’t come up and give me random hugs or kisses or cuddle with me or touch me. She treats me like a roommate. If there is sex it’s because I ask even though I get nervous to ask in fear of being yelled at or rejected and made to feel like a rapist or something. Just the other day I told her this has to change because I can’t go on living this way. I told her exactly what I needed and she told me due to her depression she has a hard time showing affection and giving me what I need. Inside I think, well you we’re depressed before and had no problem having a sex drive for another man for 2 years. When I have said this to her before, her excuse it that she only saw the guy once or twice a month and it wasn’t all the time. For me though, nothing. I’ve probably waited a month and she still never came into me. Is this normal? Is this how things are supposed to be when you are with someone for a long time, dead? Is this at all healthy? Even putting cheating aside, is this what a long term relationship becomes? Am I supposed to just accept it and deal with its?

3 Hearts

Sdiamond1026... I don't even know where to start. I am not married but I hope what I have to say is of some help. I am so heartbroken for you, that you have lived this way for so long. You sound like such a good partner to your wife. I am a woman and I can relate to some of what she says to you (excuses and reasons I have given when the sex is bad or I am no longer in love with him), it may not be true for her like it is for me, but... I have blamed not wanting sex on depression. Some days yes, I am too down or too sad and if the sex is going to be bad then I would rather not have it, but if it's going to be good then heck yes, I'm sure I will feel better afterward. Cuddling and touching etc makes such a difference when you have depression. So I do not think depression is the problem there. Have you asked her if she enjoys sex with you and what could you do better for her to enjoy it or excite her? Have you tried romancing her? Not just before you want it, but from the morning? Does she speak kindly to you? Do you two do fun things together? When last did the two of you go away for a weekend?

2 Hearts

@Haley94
I have tried romancing her while she was cheating (since I felt a disconnect but at that point didn’t know she was cheating). Even after the affairs, I felt like I was the one kissing her a$$. We were going on weekly dates at that point and I thought things were getting better. Well, 17 months after, she tells me she hasn’t felt it for me in years and loves me but isn’t in love. Then says that the last 17 months she faked it and having weekly dates and such didn’t help. So at that point I kind of gave up on doing nice things for her. I mean I am a nice guy and do a lot but it’s hard to want to go above and beyond when she says this stuff. I even said that we need to do more together then and she told me that I annoy her and she can’t stand being around me sometimes. One hurtful thing after another. The last time we went away alone was about 2 yrs ago. That was when she told me she faked it for 17 months and hasn’t felt it for me in years. We go to dinner every Sat night as a family and take nightly family walks and we get along but I don’t feel really loved or wanted. She speaks normal to me most of the time but she has anger issues too and she tends to get worked up and yells and slams doors over little things. When I try to talk about our relationship, she usually just gets mad and it ends in her cursing at me. A few weeks ago in front of my son, she told me she hates me and has told me she hates when I’m home. Then that blows over and she acts like all is well again. I told her I wasn’t happy a few weeks ago and for a day or so, she tries and comes up and hugs and kisses me and then it fizzles again. It’s like she does it until she thinks I’m good with it all again and then that’s it. So at this point I really feel stupid trying to romance someone that treats me like this and says hurtful things. I don’t think she deserves it and again I feel like I am kissing her a$$ rewarding her for treating me bad.

Yes, it's been a while. No, that is one thing we have not tried yet. I do remember your story on that and how it all worked. I guess maybe yours failed since your wife was still cheating and her focus wasn't there with you.

@Sdiamond1026 it wasn’t that it failed, she just wanted him. Sex therapist do work and we made a lot of progress in that area, just the emotional attachment to the OM was too strong. I think it is worth trying.

No, that is definitely not healthy in my humble opinion. Life is too short to be wasted waiting around for someone to come around and treat you the way you deserve. It seems like you have made many efforts and she has not. This is no way to live. Either it gets better or it doesn't and you should move on to someone who will appreciate you. But easier said than done. Hang in there!

1 Heart

I AGREE!!

1 Heart

She sure has problems. And of course there yours too. She sounds like a bunch of excuses. The cheating I could never get passed. Your not getting younger..... Make some serious changes.

I would say "girl bye." You deserve better and happiness. She is wrong wrong wrong

What can i say? I feel the same way about my husband, only I'd say I feel more warmth, kinship, comradely and affection for him than you describe with your wife. I also love my husband but feel I am no longer in love with him. But we are kind to each other and have close discussions and are somewhat physically affectionate. But I believe we are incompatible sexually. I am also in love with another man who I had amazing sexual attraction for and an emotional bond since childhood. My husband is aware of this bond and attraction and seems to accept this situation, although with sadness. Luckily for my husband, the other man has intimacy issues and so refuses to commit to me. This means that my husband is obviously "2nd choice." i am struggling with this situation right now. I love so many things about my husband and our relationship, but I do not enjoy sex with him. If only your wife were nicer, maybe you could find a woman too for intimacy and sex, although in the end this would likely lead to you losing interest in your wife and moving on--which may be for the best. As for me, I am trying to balance both right now. Since my lover lives far away and is most often unavailable both physically and emotionally, things are pretty stable right now. But I ache for him badly. My husband doesn't know the extent because there is no point in telling him.

1 Heart

No one deserves to be cheated upon. Unfaithfulness is overcome ONLY through a repentant heart. It does not seem like your wife is repentant, which means it is either happening again or it will. Marriage counseling, acceptance of responsibility and repentance is the only way I would stay married in your case.

@anon8350
She apologized like crazy and begged me not to leave her at the beginning. Now that’s is all said and done and years have passed and I’ve stayed, she ml longer has to apologize since she won, she got to do what she wanted and convinced me to stay. I fee she was regretful but anymore she doesn’t bring it up and wants it to just go away like it never happened. I can’t let it go so easily. It eats at me and has since it happened. It’s eased up a bit but I still think about it every day. I feel like if she was doing all the right things, showing me love, wanting affection and sex with me, then maybe it would be easier for me to let go. She hasn’t done that and I kind of still feel second best to the other guy who she seemed to go above and beyond for and feel excitement for.

Sorry your going through this, I can relate been going through this for the last 18 months. I’m leaving just waiting for my health to get a little better. Your wife told you everything you need to know from what you wrote, it is hard to leave when you still love her but she told you she does not love you and does not want sex with you but yet cheats on you. You are a nice guy you will find someone who loves and respects you, know one should have to live with daily rejections while walking on egg shells wondering if they did something wrong, waiting to get yelled at, put down, made to feel less of a man. Time to go ! The world is going to feel like a different place when you find that new someone who loves you as much as you love them. Your heart will thank you. Good luck !

Well, I just got on here and stumbled on my old post… about a year and a half ago I finally got divorced. Thanks for all the advice everyone… House, you were right, she told me exactly what was going on and no one wants to her that. She was just sticking around to use me for a house and good life. Not sure where things went wrong or if she ever really loved me or just faked it for 30 years. I was a nice guy and I guess nice guys finish last, like they say. But maybe I didn’t finish last… I got away from her, my kids (17 and 20) chose to live with me, I was able to make an agreement and not get screwed too bad financially. So I do have some peace now but a little more responsibility and different stress with the kids here and dealing with everything. Also, having a lot of trouble finding someone new. Everyone looks so old at this age, out of shape, and just unattractive to me. Yeah there are some here and there that look like they take care of themselves but they aren’t matching with me. So I am feeling sad and lonely a lot lately.