Hi,
So i am starting University this August and I am scared out of my mind. I'm terrified that I might fall in love with another man or allow my HOCD/Anxiety get in the way of my future, even if all my previous crushes, were in fact, girls. I came from a all male school, never have I had feelings for any of my schoolmates or any sexual attraction. But by the time I was about to graduate High school, my mind was just all over the place. I coudnt concentrate and I just kept asking myself "Am I gay?". I would research about it online, day and night, i wouldnt sleep anymore, and I just need some peace of mind. I still doubt my sexual orientation until now and it just won't stop. I am in despair. I just keep trying to reassure myself, and even if there is reassurance, i still wouldnt believe it. It's like my brain is wired to keep convincing myself that I'm gay. I try to masturbate to supress it, and I know it's wrong, but i dont know. I recently have trouble getting erections too, and it makes me feel like I have to get an erection from a female in order to prove that I'm straight. I dont go out of my house and socialize as often as before. And I find it hard to talk to people of both genders, Everyday is a struggle with HOCD, or I hope it isnothing worse. I was pretty sure I was straight back then, now I dont even know. Thanks, and all help is appreciated.
First of all: OCD is probably the worst case szenario. That being said, it is something that you can overcome.
Second, you don't know this yet, but you are making lots and lots of very classical (H)OCD related mistakes:
- Research to get reassurnace, reassurance in general is counter-productive, you will only reinfocre your doubts. The doubts won't stop coming until you robbed them of their power over you. The not seeking reassurance part will be even more important now that you found this group!!!!
- Masturbation as proof or reassurance - very bad! You should not watch any porn for the time being. Perhaps keep the snake in your pants as well.
- Not socializing and retreating. You can not allow OCD to take control of your life, because you need to control your OCD. Go out socialize, don't shy away to have good time with people around you. Specially males and regardless of orientation.
- rumination: Probably the toughest cookie. The more you think about it, the more your brain will go on auto-pilot. By Auto-Pilot i mean that it will skip "the middle men" and go straight to thoughts that will cause you doubt.
For more information (must watch!!!!:
Eddy Defoe on Youtube
Mark Freeman on Youtube
You are not alone!!
@Kotakinabalu I totally understand how you feel. I’m about to leave for college next year as well and that’s been one of my biggest fears, that I will act on these “compulsions” and “turn gay” even though I know that is so ridiculous. Trying really hard to keep things in perspective and to remember who I was before this all happened but it’s so hard. I’m glad to know someone’s going through a similar situation, I’m here if you want to talk.