Hi, this is my first post and I wouldn't know how to even st

Hi, this is my first post and I wouldn't know how to even start. I'm gonna apologize already for all the languague mistake I'm going to make, I'm french but found this website well done.
So, I was raped and abused for more than a year by someone real close to the family when I was nine and didn't tell no one until I turned 17 and it feels like it was the worst mistake of my life. My mother reacted badly and wouldn't listen to me. My dad called me a lots of bad names and didn't speak to me for 3 years. I just feel alone and depressed and I'm tired of pretending to be okey. I want to be okay but I can't do it alone.

First off all, i feel so terribly sorry for what you have gone through. Not only through the rape and abuse, but also the total lack of support from your family. I've seen this happen more often because of the lack of proof. It just cannot go through the skulls of these people that an actual close person to the family would do such a thing, so they reside in denial, and meanwhile you get an additional trauma of your family not listening to you, and your problem is not helped.

The reason for this, is that people often wrongly try to find help and understanding in people who don't understand or help them at all. I see this often happen to woman who cling to their bf's, while in reality a bf or family member can only offer "basic" support, and not "professional support".

You see, you've been making your heart a murder hole since you were 9 years old, and that's only normal and understandable because a child does not know how to deal with all of these things, and given no one should be exposed to such horror at such a young age to begin with. I feel very sorry for that.

However to heal it, you definitely need to visit a psychiatrist who is an expert in sexual abuse.

That along with reading self help books to enable you to start your road to recovery.

I recommend reading two books

one is: The body keeps the score.

http://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448236529&sr=8-1&keywords=trauma

The second is: Why does he do that?

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448236595&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

So please take my advice, ONLY talk about these things to people who relate,understand and support you. Not to people who don't because they only frustrate your life further, beware of that!

Maybe there are French versions of these books as well, but pardon my French because i don't know if that's the case, could you please do a search to see if that's true? Otherwise it's an attempt to improve your english ,which i did not think was bad at all.

@darketernal I’m really glad for your answer. And I’m going to look into thebooks, I think I can understand it in English, so thank you.

I am also looking into a psychiatrist but I don’t have the money for it. When I was still in high school, I was at a party and it ended badly, and was having really dark thoughts and finished at the hospital, so of course, I started having therapy after that.

The doctors didn’t want me out of the hospital but my mom force me out and promised to get me help and I went one time to the same psychiatrist I had and my mom said she would not let me go, because I was big enough to deal with it, that life was what it was, that I should take in consideration how it affected them and would be paying for this.

So I kind of shut down and let everybody think I was good. And I really felt for the first year that all was okay, I was doing good but now it’s been 3 years and I live on campus for college and I’m alone all the time and everything still seems ok but I know it’s not real.

So I can’t thank you enough that you took your time to answer my post and give me advice.

From Mental & Physical Abuse to Rape & Sexual Assault