I hate food, I hate food, I hate food! I can't get out of this, and I feel so alone. It's like I can't control myself. Me and mum just had a massive fight, cos I told her that I been talking on a dating website had asked me out, but I wasn't ready yet, cos of this ED. And she was like you want a family don't you, well you have to make things happen...and then I said well i'm afraid he'll reject me cos he'll think I'm fat, and she said oh it's the confidence he'll see not the looks...bingo...that was enough to set me off, even my mum sees me as fat and unattractive.
Then she came into the room later and said that I was just getting into a sulk and that they've supported me all year and I'm the one completely not supporting myself, and she's not apologising to me cos she has nothing to apologise about. She said that we are ALL victims of this ED not just me, but I'm the only one who can do anything about it.
Which made me feel like the lowest of the low. I've honestly never felt so low in ages, I just want to slice my arms open. Things aren't going to get better for me. I hate myself so much.
MG...hurting yourself more will help HOW? Are you hurting yourself out of anger at others? I did that, but I didn't realize it at the time. I can see now that many of the ways I hurt myself by using the ED was an attempt to make others around me more sad, worried and maybe even angry. I just didn't see how convoluted it all was.
Food is the only medication that can save you and free you from the ED, and it is necessary for you be able to get your life back, or to develop one in the first place. Yes, you must take action, but needing support and guidance is not bad or weak. Please seek professional treatment. You can't go on this way...take care..Jan ♥
Hey Jan,
Thanks I'm in therapy I have been for about 8mths now and the binge eating hasn't stopped, I hate it. Many times I've wished for even just a different disorder if I couldn't have nothing then give me something else, something that people would understand.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm the worst person in the world. I just wish I could go to some recovery place, stay there, have some time to recover and then go back into the real world, but this binge eating has got me, and it feel like there is nothing I can do. I'm so angry at food, I just want to take all the food from the house and toss it out.
I hate me, I hate the person I've become. I'm a worthless, no good, ****.
MG...you are not worthless, but you may FEEL like you are. It sounds like your therapist is not helping you. Perhaps you can find someone who truly understands and can help you develop a plan for recovery?
DON'T GIVE UP! The results of not changing are not what you want.....even though the risks of changing seem terrifying.
Is treatment an option? Please keep seeking the help that you need....Jan ♥
Hey Jan,
Well she has improved my relationship with my dad which has helped a lot and she is a good therapist. No there are no treatment centres around for that kind of thing, the nearest OA meeting is in Dublin which is 3 hours drive for me, it sucks, it really does, I feel I need more therapy sessions but I don’t know if that is an option as where I go it’s not your typical therapy place, as in I only pay what I can afford.
I’ve lost hope in getting out of this. I really have.
MG: I am so sorry that you are feeling all this pain. But it sounds like other people think you are worth loving. You can love yourself, too. It's just that taking the step to respect yourself, with or without the ED, is hard but important.
Hurting yourself may make you feel the pain you are experiencing, but it shows such disrespect for your body, which, even when it is abused, is amazing. I hope you can see that you deserve respect and love.
But you are not alone. I feel the way you do a lot.
Thanaks teancoffee,
For understanding and replying. I've been here though, I feel I've stood on these shores a thousand times and I just can't get away. This has been going on years now...years...It's heartbreaking.
I am sorry you feel the same way I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.