HOCD or Gay? Any help would be great

Well this is my first time posting on a site like this and its pretty nerve wracking doing it but here we go.

Well first off im a 26 year old male, I work away sometimes for months at a time but normally on a 21 on and 7 off rotation, I have been doing this for 6 years now and throughout that time I have had girlfriends but nothing over 8 or 9 months,

IMy story is a little different though, as when I was growing up I never had any thoughts or sexual fantasies, or even questions for that matter about the same sex. When i was around 20 and in college was when i first had thoughts and questions about being a homosexual. I wasnt attracted to anyone but for some reason it popped into my head and i started analysing every little thing I did, was I attracted to this person or that and so on until i nearly had a breakdown.
I thought and planned my own suicide, at that point i picked up the phone and called my mother and had a heart to heart stating that maybe i was gay and just never new it.

This didnt make much sense to her or me as i have always been good with members of the opposite sex and never had issues that way.

Eventually it went away for about a year and a half or so and then while dating a girl i had been seeing for about 6 months it came back. To so much of an extent i had some trouble getting off orally as I was worried i couldnt and i was never relaxed. However i never had an issue getting turned on or erect with her at all.

We broke up and i have had a couple other girlfriends and quite a few sexual encounters since.

Well i just met an incredible girl and things were going great, i havent had questions or issues for a year or 2 and then last week the same hopeless scared feeling came back in a big way again. Since then i havent been able to get the questions off my mind and I have been analysing everything....every time I hear a word that sounds like gay or has that sound in it i immediately jump to it. Every person i see i evaluate to see if im attracted to them. Im afraid to sleep as i see images in my head that i dont like of men.... keeps me awake.....
I speak to the girl im dating on the phone and i get aroused easily yet the question nags and nags and i cant get ot off my head to the point i get sick and cant concentrate on work.

I have been reading the forums and i have never gotten aroused by a male but everything they say makes sense....except i dont find the idea of 2 males having intercourse disgusting i just dont want that for myself. I have gay and lesbian friends and i dont see anything wrong with them, they are just people and I respect them.

I read somewhere to watch gay porn to see if i become aroused, so i did and i didnt become aroused at all, however afterward i felt so weird/worried that i wasnt really super aroused by female on female porn. I have always watched either guy girl, or girl girl and had great orgasms nor have i ever thought of a man when having sex with a girl.

I just dont know anymore but im freaking out because i dont want to lose this lady, she is incredible but if im gay then i dont want to lead her on. I dont feel gay but i cant get the question out of my head no matter what i try.

I spend most of my time alone in camp for my job and i cant turn my brain off, I have decided to get proffessional help.

Please help i could really use it.

Comments welcome.


maybe it is just part of your ocd because alot of people have disturbing thoughts with ocd. or as i like to put it are paranoid about. i think it is a great idea to seek professional help maybe you will get the answers u need. i think a therapist would be wonderful professional help. i hope you find the answers you are seeking for.

hey, i just posted a post about hocd, only seen yours and i know the fustration involved