HOCD or not? . Please help


i am a male 18 year old and ive been experiencing severe anxiety, it started at first when i had problems with a previous girlfriend who was very controlling, e.g. black mail, claim to be bulemic, basically everything was my fault. after a week or two of being with her i slept with her, she had a previous relationship before me for 2 years so she had plenty of sex experience.. i went on to under perform 2 or three times (lose erection and not being able to ejaculate) these were the only times i slept with her.

Eventually i got out of that relationship and found someone else (a virgin with a little experience), but with my tendancy to overthink i needed to find an answer to why i couldnt ejaculate and i found a site listing all posibilities and one was gay tendancy, this seemed to be all i needed to spark the fire and i was in a boring job at the time and all i could think about was that i could be gay or am gay over again in my head constantly like a broken record and nothing that was said could put my mind at ease, there was a gay guy in the work force and i annalysed him so see if i could see anything in him that i did in me. I Also started to change the way i acted, tryed to put on a more masculine front ( i am anyway but im a very happy jokey guy that likes to enjoy life and that has emotion which is where some people see a weakness in me) i also did things like change my online social network pages, e.g. take photos off of me taking pictures of myself, and stopped quoting music, i deleted posts where i sounded slightly camp in fear that all this would turn me even gayer than i already felt.

That then died down but it has flared up again after numerous people have made gay insults to me and ive taken offence to them where as normally i would joke about it, ive started avoiding situations where this bullying happened e.g. stopped hanging around with certain people (which is good because i no longer smoke canabis which wouldnt help). Im scared of applying for jobs incase someone says somthing which they have done not so long ago. All this anxiety is relatively new to me and i want to find out more. I have never been confident as i was bullied at school for my eyebrows as funny as it sounds but i became obsessed about that to, i think that people have judged me and are taking the piss out of me before i even know what they think.

My relationship with my girlfriend was brilliant until people started taking the piss. My sexual desire for her was high, sex was great and i couldnt wait to jump in bed with her even though i feel a tension in me to perform well restricts me, though maintaining a full erection in most positions was hard for me, but ejaculation isent a problem for me. But now after this on going persistant thinking over about 3 or 4 weeks i feel has drained me completely, my desire is lacking, im tired, i cant eat very well, cant sleep very well, very emotional because i just dont get all of this.

Sometimes i think i dont have as much sexual attraction to women than i should because i struggle to perform in situations im uncomfortable with e.g. i dont think i could perform if i went out one night and slept with a girl (i wouldnt think it was wrong im just not sure if i could)

I have had two sexual encounters with the same sex before, both being my best mates one was very little around 5 then the other was around 12. I dont understand why this happened but from what i can remember i think i was the leader of it all. After this happened i forgot about it but obviously it was still lurking in my mind and i made the connection with the fact that this website said gay tendancy. It was never talked about because i feel disgusted about it, i dont know what compelled me but whats happened has happened. My best friends dad has always called me gay from when we were very little and i think that subconciously has alot to do with it. Ive found myself now looking for any reasoning of me being gay and when i do find somthing i become fixated and it just adds to the list of what seems to be ever growing anxiety. Ive also started to think even though i think its wrong deep down that i might be attracted to men, when i do things like watch porn (never watched gay porn) i prefer there to be a male involved because i find it more arrousing, and ive started to have some thought like seeing some men and thinking he looks nice and that penis looks good, yet i know given the opportunity i wouldnt go to meet a male on a date or anything because i dont find it right, i tend to find gay people slightly annoying (no offence to anyone just my opinion) yeah iuse a pair of straightners and yeah im emotional and a bit of a push over, but i dont see what others do when they call me gay yeah it might be a joke and i might be paranoid which i am as you can tell by this epic story im writing, And it does scare me to think these gay thoughts have potential to be genuine and i could end up homosexual. Im currently seeking help from a councillor and he says he doesnt have any particular concerns and that in his point of view its most likely my thought pattern but that i need to make a decision on my sexuality. I am genuinely scared that there could be a possibility of being homosexual because of these thoughts but i will add that i really do love my girlfriend and the thought of loosing her is horrible but i know i need to protect her from this. I hope someone has the time to read this.. Thanks

may i also add that i have in the past got clingy in relationships and sometimes find it hard to trust my girlfriend even though i know deep down i do? she also knows all about this and has and is dealing with it very well, she says she has no doubts but in the state of mind im in now i do

i want to share my ocd problems with other ocd sufferer.