I have had hocd for many years, but have only been getting help for it over the past 2 years... prior to this I did not know what was going on with me... life was a nightmare. Since I have been getting help I haven't been in a relationship until now. I have started seeing a guy just recently who I really like. BUT since then the hocd has been so much worse... I am also temptered to tell this new guy about my hocd but think it is way too early. If I tell him then he can either accept it or move on now...! I am talking with my therapist about all of this, but the hocd still comes... so frustrating... can anyone else relate, or shed light on how things have been for them in a relationship while living with hocd?
Do not rush with your decision and it is good that also you will have help from your therapist. All of this will give you enough knowledge to come to your own conclusion. Wishing you health and happiness. God bless you.
Hello Angemarie :)
I had (but still sometimes do, but not as frequent) intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, which went on for a few months. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I told him about the thoughts that I was having. First of all, it was hard to understand for him, even for myself, and spend hours in my bed trying to think why I was thinking this way, never getting an answer, I wouldn't leave the house because If I saw a girl I would panic and it caused a very lot of strain on the relationship, and still does. But thankfully we are getting through and i'm getting the help I need.
Its different with you because you do not know this guy as long as I am with my boyfriend. I could go a few ways, you could tell him he could accept it and try his best to understand and you could try and deal with it together. You could tell him and he could leave you because he doesn't want that sort of hassle. (some people might think of it as a burden) or you don't have to tell him and it might end up bad as you may not feel the best to hang around with him ( like in public) or you don't tell him and it might go perfectly for you. I can go anyway, but you have to take the risk and make the decision. Nobody knows what it could end like. It all the depends if you feel you can trust him and if you feel he could handle it.
If you need any more advice please ask me :)
A x
Hi AandG4ever,
I would love to chat more with you as I haven't really found anyone who can relate to what I go through... some of my friends who know are so good, but just can't get it.. My take on a relationship is that I would want to tell them about my ocd as I would want to know all their stuff, good, bad and ugly... If they walked away then it was not the right one... but in saying that I don't want to share too early.. before I know I can really trust them. if you know what I mean.
Have you seen a doctor about your intrusive thoughts, as It sounds like ocd to me,,, cause that is what i suffer with..My other fear is that if I love someone and they love me, that one day I will hurt them, from ending up gay... (which I know is ocd) grrrr.. it is so frustrating... thank you so much for posting to me... I feel really privileged when people take the time to talk to me..
Hey Guys,
I'm not familiar with "hocd", but am very familiar with intrusive thoughts and the senseless grief and anxiety they cause.
Anyway, I'm off my meds currently and have got all kinds of funny things running through my head right now.
As I read this post I could almost hear the clink and rattle of soldiers preparing each other for the next patrol.
A patrol which may wear on the conscience of mankind or simply wear the shoe leather of the would be combatants.
Two soldiers steeling each other for what has to be done and what may come of it.
It's a weird analogy I guess, one that holds little interest to anyone but myself, but the point is that I've been inspired by your little exchange......my day just might go a little smoother because of it.
Remember......white flags are for blowing noses not for waving. :)
Beercan_Poet, HOCD I don't think is a professional word, but a word made up over time, a sort of slang in a way for intrusive thoughts about your sexuality. HOCD meaning, homosexuality obsessive compulsive disorder.
Angemarie, I understand you, its a very confusing situation, I feel like when the time comes to tell him and that you know he can take you seriously then tell him, lucky for me I was going out with my boyfriend for 3 years when it happened for me, so I knew I could trust him. But don't doubt him, he could be really understanding about it, like even though I trusted my boyfriend and I knew he for quite a long time, he did not have a clue what was going on and couldn't understand it at all, yes he was supportive but it caused a lot of stress. So, as I said wait until you feel ready, when you have the feeling inside that its the right time, because it can be a very embarrassing thing to talk about, well it was for me anyway I thought I was crazy. It just for people like me and you when a fear comes into our head it sticks to us like a magnet.
Yes, I'm the exact same, I obsess and fear that I will lose my boyfriend because I will be a lesbian, and I won't love him anymore, and he won't be attracted to me...blah blah blah, I goes on and on. But I try and think of it this way, if you were actually gay, you'd feel at ease of the thought of being with the same sex, not freaking out like someone is making you do something you don't want to do, if you know what I mean :)
A x
Hi sorry to but in in your thread but I'm totally lost! I think I have hocd. Mine comes and goes, but comes on extremely suddenly! I get a taunting pop up voice accusing me of being a lesbian and I start over anyalising every woman I see to see if I'm attracted to her! I get this anxiety that's just awful and I worry to death about losing my boyfriend because I'm turning into a lesbian or worry that one say I will turn into a lesbian and will lose him in the future! I want babies with this man and everything!! I woke up one day and started worrying that I might want to be a transgender!! The other day I was walking into a shop and suddenly started worrying that I might in fact be RELIGIOUS!!! WHAT???!!! I have to admit that one was
..... Quite funny!! I can't tell my boyfriend at the mo because it's like he's my only escape from it because he doesn't know..... He thinks I'm normal!! I love our life together but I can't enjoy it cos of this **** that goes through my head!! I've started avoiding the same sex as well because everytime I see a female I start getting anxious that I might discover I fancy her! I seem to get these episodes after a stressful time in my life and I've had to deal with them alone! Does anyone think I have HOCD or am I just kidding myself??
Hi Moleskin1,
Thanks for posting in here, that is what these threads are for, people to chat and share, so we can support each other... I am no doctor or definitly no expert on Hocd, but you seem to have a lot of the same things happening to you that happen to me. Avoiding the same sex, I still do that alot, but am pushing myself to not do this... I also fear I will fall in love with a man, then one day figure out iam a lesbian and destroy everyones life. I to want to get married and have babies and this is my greatest fear. It seems to be very common for hocd, which is funny cause I always thought I was a weirdo and the only person. I am at the moment trying to work out when is the best time to tell the guy I am seeing about the ocd... I have only just started seeing him and don't want to scare him off before he gets to know me more. Please feel free to ask any more questions you may have as I know this is a very strange and lonely journey sometimes...
Hi AandG4ever,
Thank you for your advise, it makes sense, it is nice to have someone who understands what it is like, especially as a female.. There seems to be lots of guys who have hocd and post alot on the websites.. I am just wondering if you have experienced different things when you start to deal with the hocd.. as in at the moment I have been exposing myself to more gay and lesbian stuff, conversations online, support groups, forcing myself to talk to and spend time around women who are more mascaline. Kind of exsposure therapy.. also I have a friend on my face book that I have hocd with, I am making myself to look at her facebook everyday. So as I am getting more used to it, I am not getting as much anxiety, but then my thoughts say to me that maybe I am really gay, because If I wasn't I wouldn't be so relaxed and ok with these situations. If am calm and fine to talk to a lesbian maybe I am really attracted to her, other wise I would not be so confortable.???? Does that make any sense to you? Thanks again for chatting with me
Hi angemarie, thanks for your response it's lovely to know that I'm not alone hense the reason I joined. I was just wandering have u read phillipsons theory on hocd?? I found it so useful I think u will too! He refers to your worry about being gay because you're not as anxious as the "back door spike" please google it. He did a few papers on different subjects this one is linked with being in a relationship whilst suffering it too.
I
Tge only time I do the checking thing is when a woman or thought presents itself I find it too scary to try to do exposure cos I hate tge anxiety so much. It makes me feel like I'm a criminal or something like ive done something really bad but not through secretly liking it but almost like it was done in my sleep or something!! Basically I feel like the lesbian isn't me it's someone else and I'm carrying the burden! Does that make any sense???
Angemarie, don't put yourself into situation's that will make you anxious, like for example gay/lesbian sites because they will think that your are a lesbian because they wouldn't understand and one of they things that I noticed more in males going through HOCD that they will purposely go onto porn site and look at gay porn to see how they react to it, some will be turned on and some will be turned off, but it doesn't matter if they were turned on, because many people just get turned on for the fact that someone is getting pleasure and not of what their sexual orientation is.
Yes, I got the same as you, especially when I started on medication that stopped anxiety didn't stop the thoughts, it made me worse, because I thought that because I wasn't getting anxious that it was true. Even though I'm getting better and I know that I'm not a lesbian. Its because you know deep inside you that your not a lesbian but the recurring thought tells you, you are. Its weird, our mind is so complex, our head jumps to conclusions all the time, its just that it like to stick to us like a magnet.
Like they way you and Moleskin1 are writing, sounds exactly like I was a few months back, even look at my first journal, and you will see its the same. I have a friend that is a lesbian, which was difficult but anyway, she said when she knew she was a lesbian she didn't sound like us at all, she was deleted of the thought, the only thing was she was afraid to say it , we are the opposite. If you know what I mean :)
<3
Hey Moleskin1 and AandGforever,
sorry it has been awhile since I posted, getting over having the flu for the last week or so... Moleskin1 I can't thank you enough for recommending the ocdonline.com website with Phillistin.... So awesome, I have learnt heaps and going to take it to my doctor to have read.
AandG you are right, i did go to those websites and did look at some porn, and It has made things worse in a way...
Did you also find when you became sexally active, things with the hocd got worse.. Or maybe that is because I have not yet told the guy I am with about the hocd and scared he wont understand, cause I really like him. Also, i don't know if you have found this, but I have never looked at porn before now and I looked at all sorts... only pictures, don't think I could handle anything more. I have found that now not only do I have the hocd, but when i look at any women or man even family sometimes, I get a visual of their private parts... this can happen as I walk along the street, every person I pass thoughts pop into my head.. I think this is from going to those sights... :( hope you are all travelling ok and still would love to chat away about things
I too have recently had intrusive thoughts of being gay. It all started about 2 months ago, but has progressively been getting worse and worse. I saw a therapist about it and tried the linden method which helped and seemed to make things better, but i cant shake this. Every day i get sensations and feelings of panic whether i am conscious of the thoughts or subconscious. I have been in an amazing relationship with my GF for almost 2 years and am scared out of my mind of loosing her over this. I want to tell her because i am a terrible lyer and she notices that i am going through a weird phase. My thoughts keep telling me "hey your gay" or "just tell people already why are you lying" or "do you think hes hot, why are you looking at other guys" ....I know for a fact that i am attracted to girls and have been all 22 years of my life. Now my thought have gotten so bad that i have been thinking of past friendships or moments where i could have been attracted to a frieds friend or somone i just met and was talking to. I am so hyper sensitive that every guy i see its like he thinks im attractive because he thinks im gay or the other way around. I dont have the physical visualization and dont get erect from this, but i panic.... ALL DAY! I have recently been trying to find ways to make the panic stop instantly.... not suicide, but i feel like i would rather be dead than feel this way. I feel hopless. I have told my parents and family and they support whatever i want to be or do, but i know im not gay, and i am attracted to women..... BUT WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY!!!!! I can't feel like this anymore its tearing me apart... past memories are now new anxious ones, i dont know what is real or what is fake. I am scared and alone. can someone please help me!!
Hi Angemarie, HOCD is totally a **** to deal with. I still struggle with it even 3 years later. I saw a lesbian couple in the store the other day, which let me to freak out a bit being in their presence. I kept staring at them and checking if I got vibes and FEARING that they were picking up on vibes. Isn't that ridiculous? These are normal people, going about their everyday lives, and I was AFRAID of them! You KNOW you're not gay. You can just feel it. You want to come out and tell your family because maybe then you'll accept yourself, but there's just that something inside of you that just KNOWS that you still prefer the opposite sex. You want to be in a relationship to prove to yourself you're not gay. But then you start to worry that it will reveal your true gay feelings and then you'll be at peace with life because you've "found out" correctly. Listen to your gut instinct and not your head. Your head can play silly tricks on you. It's hard when you're lonely because then you can conjure up silly and ridiculous thoughts in your head. Fear is a terrible, intrusive thing. There are people who live in fear of things like germs, and freak out if they have to touch a door handle. You and me in the normal world can view them as crazy, but it's a perfectly legit disorder to have.
I understand 100% of where you're coming from though. I understand the feelings, the fears, the nervousness and anxiety. The only thing that pulls me through is to think about this one guy I'm really, whole-heartedly in to (he's my best friend's brother). I feel the attraction. It's my mind and body when I'm around this man. We're not dating right now, but at least I have found someone to remind me how wonderful a man can be, and make me yearn for a wonderful & happy life together w/ him. We'll see how that turns out.
Bless you, and I hope you find the help and happiness you deserve.