Hocd

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
1

Hi im 14 years old,
Ive been dealing with these symtoms for a month or so now and I just cant take it anymore so I did some research and came to you guys to air it out, Didnt go to yahoo and all those other ones becuase I feel like there all just opinoins and not facts. Im dealing with the symptoms of HOCD (I think)... It all started about a month ago when a buddy of mine approached me and we got talking and he gave me a pill, (adderall) and so I was like whats this blah blah, and I really had no idea what it was other than it made you stay up all night. So the next morning I took it, went through out the day like normal came home from school, went to bed, or tried to, and I layed there starring up at the cieling. And this sudden though of me being gay popped into my head and ever sense then its been drivving me to insanity. Before I took this pill I knew a %100 that I was hetrosexual and Ive been going through peuberty for a while, I had pretty much a full out mustache in the beggining of 7th grade and before this pill I absloutley hated gay people... So the next day I was going crazy I didnt know what to do, so I did do some research on it and found that these "mood swings could last up to 5 days" So I just went with my buisness throughout those 5 days with it still the though of being gay was making me feel depressed and just blah and low motovation. It sucked, but I delt through it for those 5 days thinking itd go away... 5 days go by and it got worse, a week went by and it was very bad... I asked god for help, seemed to of gotten better. But here are the symptoms ive been experiencing over the past month, fear of gay people, second guessing myself and thoughts, and catching myself looking at guys body parts that wierds me out... We have this one gay kid at out school, and he creeps me out so bad, that I see him and walk the other, we also have this diversity flag hanging in the front entrance and every time I walk by it creeps me out, my head will be like "youll be represtend by that one day" and I will freak out and start sweating bullets, if I see that gay kid comming in the hall Ill start thinking wierd thoughts, and it creeps me out so I walk the opposite way. I didnt wear this shirt the other day because it looked to gay, and I am always studying myself to make sure Im not sitting in a gay position and if I am then Ill fix it, One day I looked in the mirror and thought I looked feminine so avoided mirriors for the whole day and had this dreading feeling. And I always find myself checking myself to see if I get errected, and lately it seems my mind has been tricking me into thinking I have a ***** I think of something gay and it feels like im getting a ***** and I look down and its really shrunk, when I dont check it, it worries me that I actually got a *****, and I am no way of looking gay, Im from maine, work in the back woods, cutting wood, and doing guy things, Ive always been like this sence child hood. And also I think these thoughts and get so depressed about it, that Ill just quit everything and just feel sick, This past week my body has literally pretty much tricked me into being gay. Ill read about stuff on the internet about how you can change it and stuff and then Ill just get depressed thinking that I couldnt change if im gay, so I think to myself that Ill just comitt suiced if I am gay. The thing that really worries me, is that I had all these symptoms before I read about HOCD and I had all the right symptoms, but ever sence I read that if you really are gay then youd think on how youd come out and stuff and my brain asks me that and I'll freak out and be like no im not gay I wouldnt do that, Im not gay! I dont find men attractive, like if me and some girls are talking about like a famous actor and theyll ask me if he's handsome and I'll awnser it, like im not afraid to say that a guy is handsome but im not like attracted to him but my body and my brain like tricks me into beliving that I am attracted to them, so I turn to the internet re***uring that im not attracted to them. I also have this girl thats my best friend that ive known for a couple years now and we dated for a year and I serousily thought I was in love as 14 year old could get, and we plan on dating, but my low motivation and I simply have just been draging *** lately. Everything that I use to find fun I just get a depreseed feeling about like somebody punched me in the gut. I also have developed these tremers/shakes when I think about being gay, but then my says "well what if your just faking it to cover up your gay" or "your not telling the truth about yourself" followed by questioning myself am I gay. And Ive never ever watched gay porn in my life fearing that I might get a ***** over it, and ive never ever done anything with a guy before but yet my mind questions that and asks "well do you want to" and stuff like that, it seems like its never ending on the questions that come up and I am truely convinced that Im turning gay when deep down in side I know I dont want to be, And Ive looked up how to deal with this, and it said accept those thoughts and stuff but Im afraid if I accept those thoughts then Ill turn gay and end up liking them and that seems like whats happening (or what my brain is convincing me). I have both parents in my life, very little stress, no gay people in my family at all. No second counsins that are gay, nobody, no friends, no nothing. This gut renching anxiety is really getting to me and I am pretty mentaly strong so ive reached out to you guys for some help, I just want thing to return to normal again. Thanks for reading through those and im begging, can you please, please help me.

Questions:

Am I gay?
Am I bi?
Do I have HOCD?
Normal symptoms?

2

I also have thought that Ive had cancer by find a lil bump on my neck thinking it was cancer but I never really put two and two together about ocd, and last year I was convinced that the world was gonna end in 2012 so I did a bunch of research on it and it worried the hell out of me.

3

Hello Codylyon, I'm going through the exact same thing as you, but the difference is I fear that i'm a lesbian, First of all, even if you did watch gay porn, that doesn't make you gay, I watched gay, straight and lesbian porn, but thats because I wasn't thinking, I just got off on the fact that the people were being pleasured. Does it mean i'm gay that I looked at gay porn? No, of course not, I'm a girl. Just If you looked at lesbian porn, that doesn't make you a lesbian does it? If someone is masturbates to beastility porn, does that mean they want to be with an animal? No!

First of all, don't take Adderall again, for your heads sake, It can really **** you up, if its misused and maybe that caused you to feel depressed.

Where you feeling depressed when these thoughts came into your head? Its said then when you are feeling low, the HOCD thoughts usually attack, which make you feel worse. And thats what makes it harder to go away.

I feel that same symptoms that you do, I afraid to do certain things in case I come across as a lesbian...I know exactly how you feel, I have a boyfriend and that thought of not being with him freaks the **** out of me, I Love him, and have always been attracted to men sexually, and I still am and I know how frustrating it can be.

No, your not gay, these are symptoms of HOCD in my eyes, If you were gay you would like the thought of being with men and the only fear you would have is how to tell people, but that wouldn't even be on your mind 24/7, but i'm guessing the fear of being gay is, but i'm sure your not homophobic, you just don't want to be with men because you know that it wouldn't be a fulfilling lifestyle for you.

Just remember these -
>When you get a "spike" REMEMBER ITS THE HOCD
>Avoid comments people telling you to try being with a man to find out if you are gay or not. That will make the situation extremely worst, them people honestly don't understand what HOCD is.
>Don't look at gay porn so you can prove yourself your not gay. That will make it worse for you at this moment of time, because what if you have a *****? Just because your turned on due to the pleasure and noises and not the imaginary. . . the HOCD will confuse your true thoughts and try to convince your more that your gay. . . When your not.
>Try to get professional help, Can you go to a doctor? You may not be able to go on medication depending on how far along it is, but they will probably send you to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

Do you ever get anxious when you get these thoughts?

4

HI Aandg4ever.

One question please.
What is a ‘spike’?

take care :slight_smile:

5

Just like you, thinking you had cancer, I thought I had a tumor and had a headache for 2 months, 24/7.

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php

There are some websites that may answer some questions.

Have you ever noticed any other OCD characteristics you may have?

If you want a sense of more security do the OCD test online:
http://psychcentral.com/ocdquiz.htm

Good Luck and if you ever need to talk about it or have any questions just write to me or something :) Keep thinking positive, you'll get through it :)

6

Well first I never really had the symptoms til the side effects of the adderall were gone witch was about 4-5 days after I took it... And at first I didnt really have any HOCD symptoms but like a full week after I had defainent symptoms at first I just feared being gay. PEROID. And the HOCD symptoms start and THEN I started to feel depressed and Ive never ever been depressed in my life before, im a happy and out going kid. And this has really messed with it.

And like I always find myself looking at othe guys and checking them out and it wierds me out, like if a commercial comes on with like a shirtless guy then I just wont look at the tv, if this is another sign or something I dont know but I just thought Id through it out there.

And you know how you say that if I were gay then I just be worried about telling people? Well like my brain get thinking and goes down with all these "avenues" and one day it worried me becuase my brain was like "Well what are you gonna do when your friends find out" or "picture yourself gay with all your buddies they'll all hate you" and then I tell myself no im not gay, but this worries me because thats one of the signs of actually being gay! Its almost like some days I have mixed symptoms and other days it actually feels like Im gay, and other days Im just in constant self contintious of comming across gay, its always varrying, is this normal for a HOCD sufferer?

These never really go away either like I try to not thing about it, and yet it still there, and people are always like stay busy and you wont think about it and itll go away, I wish it was that easy... No matter what I do I cant get rid of it, except during like really inteense parts of a movie I foreget about it for like ten minutes, or if Im talking to girlfriend on the phone or something. Other than that its always there, and it seems as if my memory has gone down the shitter, I cant remember anything lately...

And Im afraid to get professional help through my school witch they have a free servrice for. I dont go there because one, I feel like there not that well educated and just have genreal knowledge. Two, there just a bunch of liberal people that will try to convince me that I am gay! And im sure your wondering, Why I just dont go to a professionlist, becuase Im afraid to tell my parents and have them thinking that Im actually gay, hence the reason why I havent told anybody except my best friend/girlfriend and I havent really told her the whole story. And its taken a lot of guts from me to post up here/ anywhere in thinking people will think that Im gay.

One more question... When people say "they know from a early age they are gay" what age is "early"?

Thanks,
Cody

7

Well, for me a think of it ALL the time as well, If I watch t.v and see a girl my mind goes "I bet you think shes hot" or if someone mentions the word "lesbian" I start to freak out, my best friend is a lesbian so I kinda hear it a lot. Answering the question on how you would know from on "early age". . .Well my best friend, who likes girls, said she ALWAYS knew, was a bit unsure for a while but still she knew, she NEVER found boys attracted in any way, but only saw them as friends, she used to make up that she liked guys but she knew that she didn't because the thought of being with a guy repulsed her, even saying she liked a guy made her feel odd, for the fact that it didn't feel right, she said that she was always attracted to women and always got nervous around one she liked (like you I suppose you would feel more comfortable around boys but feel not as comfortable around girls because you like them), she used to enjoy imagining about them but always felt scared because of the fact she didn't think anyone would accept her, and when she kissed boys, she never liked it. But when you say in your head "What if nobodys accepts me?, No wait i'm not gay, what am I talking about, but what if i'm gay, BUT I'M NOT, people won't talk to me, Uh no its disgusting,I want to be girls and be in a relationship with girls, not boys." Thats the HOCD talking. Believe me, my heads does the exact same thing which shows its getting worse, and the longer you leave it, it will get worse, and you will never know what you will be thinking this time next week. You can't do it by yourself, you need to learn ways to deal with it by going to a CBT therapist.

Well, don't go to the therapist in the school, try and talk to your parents about it, tell them that your having a hard time, and you think that you need help. I was freaked out to tell my parents as well, I was thinking "Oh no, they will think I'm a lesbian and then I will have to be a lesbian and I don't want to because I want to be with my boyfriend, and I won't be able to be with my boyfriend that I really love and want to spend my life with if I'm a lesbian, no your not a fucking lesbian so shut up" Honestly, that and a lot more went through my head. But I told them anyway, I said that I think I know what it is, and they said that they will bring me to a doctor.

Its good that this is the first step by writing on this, you just have to find help and it will get better from here. If you want to find another support group where there are more HOCD suffers go onto Brainphysics.com or Dailystrength.com. :)

8

You really have to accept these feelings, like not in a way that your gay and your accepting because not , but in a way that this is my HOCD talking and try your best to ignore, it and i know its easier to say and harder to do, but you really have to keep telling yourself that when it "spikes". Sure I'm on Lexarpo now, which helps fight depression, anxiety disorder and OCD. I have been on it for like 2 weeks now and it has worked a bit, but when I get a "spike" and the anxiety isn't there, I start freaking out just in case it might be real just because I didn't become anxious, but thats why I need the CBT therapy, the medications just helps a bit but doesn't help completely.

Keep me updated on how your getting along. Stay Positive.
:)

9

Ive never felt like that, Ive always knew that I liked girls and stuff so that isnt a worry. But then again I have HOCD, when I saw your comment and read it, it made me so happy because it prooved to me that I was gay... for about 5 seconds, and then my mind went off and was like well what if your just livving a lie or what if you dont get horny with a girl and on, and on. But the thing that worries me the most is that Ive been worrying about not getting turned on by a girl, because I really have the hots for her right now. But again I second guess that because of my HOCD... I second guess everything and my brains goes down different avenues that lead to different thoughts, that leads to anxiety, that leads to me being depressed. Back to the worry thing though, Im in fear that I wont get turned on by this girl that Ive dated before for a year and we've made plans to date again and I recently told her about this, and she got it and is going to help me through it but Im in fear that Im not gonna get turned on by her. These are suppose to be the years... the years of "high school" fun, getting in trouble all that good stuff, and I was such a happy kid before all this now Im depressed and just not in good shape, I just wish I could go back to normal, It seems that the only time I can escape it is if Im sleeping, so I just sleep, and sleep to try and get away from it.

10

Aww thats good that my comment made you feel better...for 5 seconds, **** YOU HOCD!!!Once you know you have always liked girls and still do like girls well then your straight. :D

And do you feel like you constantly have to do things to reassure yourself that it isn't real? Like searching up HOCD on the net or talking about all the time? Thats also a form of OCD.

Well, don't let it ruin you and a girl going out ok! She knows about doesn't she? So she'll understand. I have a boyfriend and he knows EVERYTHING about it, we tryed to have sex the other day but the HOCD kept playing in my mind and I was totally put off and couldn't do anything with him, but he understood. Its sad that it affects my relationship but we both know what it is and it will be getting rid of as soon as possible because we never had problem with sex before this. It really does take over your life, and control your mind, its terrible.

But as I said already, date this girl, so already knows about it anyway...but if your afraid that you wouldn't be turned on well don't do anything, sure its good if ye don't rush into anything especially at your age, just wait until you get help and continue being with her. She'll wait around if she really likes you and if not at least you wouldn't need to worry about the HOCD anymore. :)

Codylyon, its the exact same for me, I can't wait to go to sleep everynight or whenever I can, its such a relief sleep.

So are you going to think about telling your parents about? Or finding some sort of help?

:)

11

Another thing Ive noticed, I just want to see if this is just a symptom of having HOCD or if just a growing hormonal thing that the body does… Ive been having this sickining feeling in my stomach, and when I think about girls I get horny, but when I think about guys I get anxious and get like this shot of adrenline, and it kinda worries me. Its like my heart beats faster and after thats done with I just feel depressed and I also have this like tightning along with sicking feeling in my stomach and its like its always and never goes away, I dont know what its from or what it means but Id like some facts on what its on/about.

12

I started to date with a girl and the first times were good. Suddenly my mind started telling me “ am I going to spend my life with this girl, she shouldn't be my girlfriend" stuff. I broke up with her 3 months later. I realized that I couldn't love her then my mind suddenly started telling me “ you couldn't love her because you love boys"
Until that time I never thought I would love boys or have sex with them but suddenly my mind started telling me it is ok.
I watched gay porns if I get hard i don't feel anything but my mind doesn't stop and I again start to watch gay porns. I don't want to say being gay is disgusting because it would be rude for gay people but I don't want to be gay.
My mind doesn't stop telling me “ you are gay because you couldn't love her"
I talked to a gay person he said he had loved girls before then one day tried to have sex with a boy first he regretted it but after one hour he found it fun and started to date with a man. He says sometimes he brings girl home and have sex.
I never knew that a gay person could have sex with a girl. It freaks me too.
Is it hocd?
Am I gay? Just because I couldn't love my girlfriend.
Should I keep watching gay porns?
What should I do????

13

Hey Codylyon. :) I get them feelings as well, I used to feel anxious all day, except when I was asleep obviously, but I know don't feel anxious as often because of the medication I'm on the anxious feeling as well, which I think causes more problems because I think "Oh ****, I'm not getting anxious when I think i'm am lesbian oh no,I must be one, but I don't want to be one I have a boyfriend. . . . ."Blah Blah Blah and I go into a big rant. But thats why in need the CBT therapy. I also thought about It so much that my vomited a bit twice and usually gag when I think about it sometimes, but thats when I get a really bad spike. I think the heart beating faster could be a bit of a panic attack which I also get with the anxiety. Do you feel you can't breathe when you get this feeling? Its because you are can't handle the thought of being with a man because its scaring and you know you wouldn't be happy because you want to spend your life with women.

Stay strong and think positive.

A ♥

14

Hey Samayo :)

I wrote a message but I just wanted to say that your not gay if you don't enjoy the thoughts of being with a man but enjoy the thoughts of being with women.

For the gay guy being with woman, he obviously bi-sexual or just not picky in general, so technically if he claims to be gay, he bi-sexual.

Don't continue to what gay porn if you don't enjoy it, (I explained it all in mail)

Stay strong and think positive :)

♥

15

AandG4ever, Im still having those stomach pains and sickining feeling, but what has really been concerning me lately is the that I my depression is getting worse and I jsut feel so depressed all the time and it seems like the voices in my head are going away for some reason, like I cant tell myself to stop thinking about it and actually stop thinking about it, it just seems like it comes and goes as it wants, just a hocd symptom? And it seems like now that Ive been getting that anxious feeling with girls and guys but I get an erection with girls and none what so ever with guys, But the other day I actually got a tiny erection just letting my mind wander and thinking of wierd stuff but I did some research on it and it said that it could just be a phase or hormones or something. But my reality/feelings are going blurry with with this whole hocd thing, ive also been put under a lot of stress with my parents latlely, like I almost moved out of the house the other night and I got caught with drugs and stuff and Ive been a bad kid a school and have been getting in alot of trouble lately I dont know if its the hocd doing this and making me do this I jusrt dont like it becuase its blurring what I really want and thats just my girlfriend and nothing else, Well were not erally dating right now soooo, but were hanging out this weekend and were playing and messing around with eachother and I hope this helps everything out. But Sence I got that tiny erection with that thinking those wiered thoughts about a guy does that mean im gay or bi or just hiormones kicking in, or just the hocd tricking me into doing this?

16

Remember the time when you said that you thought you had cancer and you kept checking for a lump, and remember the time, I said a kept getting headaches because I thought I'd had a tumor? Well, thats prob why you felt you were getting a erection when really it wasn't exactly there, I got the same once or twice before, a tingling sensation and then I started freaking out and checking thinking I was turned on and I wasn't at all, its your mind playing tricks on you.

Whats drugs have you been taking? That might also be the cause of it!

For the pain in your stomach, I'm guessing thats anxiety. And when you think of being those this pain worsen?

♥

17

I said I was watching gay porns to check if I get erected. I actually had the same thing with me little tiny feeling even thought I wasn't fully erected. I don't know what I was thinking at time. I think I was watching a gay porn but thinking about a girl maybe. I read some where that a straight gay who likes feet of girls may get also feel the same for a gay persons feet.
I hope everything goes well for all of us.

18

AandG4ever I really need your help,
So an update on how everything has been going here it goes... Lets start from this weekend I was getting ready to go and do some stuff with that girl and I crawl in bed with her and we start doing stuff I got an erection and it felt great but it just didnt really get me as horny as it use too and that concerns me becuase its just another thing my hocd can use against me. Is this just a normal thing hocd does to you?

And Ive also been getting these wierd feelings and rushes, like I check myself (my rituals) and then get that stomach sickining feeling and then like 10 seconds after I get this wierd feeling thats hard to explain its like it almost goes away and I feel good and then the hocd kicks in and says like you feel good about being gay and stuff like that. Is this just a normal hocd trying to convince in anyway it can to convince you your gay?

Third thing, it seems like everythings flip-flopped, everything I loved doing before this thing hit I feel depressed and get that sickning feeling and everythign that I use to hate (being gay people) my mind trys to convince me that I like them, like thatd id want to go up and talk to them and Ive also noticed that Ive had this thing where If I see somebody I randomly get this feeling where I want to punch them in the face for no reason I dont get it. Im really worried about that whole flip-flop thing, is that just a normal thing that happens or am I just "discovering myself"? and Ive seemed very very irretable lately like the other day I just wanted to walk out of school becasue everything was just pissing me off.

Fourth thing, Ive been noticing that I have to be sitting in a certain position all the time to be comfertable with wanting to like move and figit around until I sit exactly how my brains wants too... normal hocd?

Thanks so much!

19

Cody

First, I applaud you for taking the time to research your concerns, as well as for having the courage to discuss them on the website.

I wonder if there's a counselor in your school or community you would feel comfortable sharing these thoughts with. It seems you're dealing with some strong feelings and emotions, and while this is a part of adolescence, it can also help immensely to talk these things over with someone experienced with these issues, and who is also a good listener.

I've sought someone to speak with concerning my own issues, and it has helped a bunch.

Stay strong, be well and be happy,

Bel

20

Hey man,

I read your first post and yes, puberty and adolescence can be rough, but I wouldn't worry about looking at a guy on TV or in person. Puberty is the time when our bodies go through changes, and so of course men are curious about what the bodies of men who have changed or are changing look like, especially guys with toned physiques. In junior high I ran track and I remember looking in awe at a picture of (runner) Michael Johnson. The guy was ripped, but looking over his picture didn't mean I was gay (nothing wrong with being gay, of course).

I think its healthy to be curious about human anatomy. People who think that's funny usually have their own issues to work out, and its important not to take into account their opinions. We are not our bodies, anyway! We just wear them, like jackets. Its okay to look at someone's jacket, right?

Anyway, I won't ramble. Good luck, and keep sharing what's on your mind.