I posted earlier about my confusion and wanting some confirmation that my ex may have npd. He has actually admitted before maybe having N tendencies but that was because I accused him of it and told him he matches so many of the characteristics... But of course not all of them. He never really raged at me verbally his abuse was very methodical and calculated it seems. Slow and deadly. He would flip out very occasionally and call me names when he thought I had moved on but I can't really blame him because I myself called him names and said horrific things that I regret when he would hurt me I didn't know how else to cope or handle my emotions. I thought somedays I was truly losing my mind and what way is this to live for four years. this weekend is extra hard for me because not only am I recovering from this relationship I also am in three months recovery to alcohol and drug addiction. So of course I have my own support regarding that, but not much support regarding the relationship from an emotionally abusive person. I have a counselor, the counselor actually was one of our "counselors" (yes we had multiples, one even firing us) anyways I kind of stole this counselor because he saw first hand the cycle and he has been very helpful to me. But I showed up to my appt at the wrong time on Friday which was supposed to help me get through the weekend but now I feel alone and no support. I do struggle every hour not contacting him sometimes. The day goes by SO slow and even though I know I have things to do to fill my time I can't seem to shake the weight the depression and grief has on me, and that weight keeps me in bed. If I could just freaking let go! Let go of my obsession, my fears of him being with someone else which is pretty likely at this point he could never stay alone long when we broke up before. His partying fun this weekend that I don't get to have. All of this is haunting me this weekend and he is a 31 year old man, who puts a lot of emphases on his "party social life" still which was actually our core problem. We almost had a baby together but I miscarried at 7 weeks, and I recall him calling me a f'ing B**** over the phone when I was hormonal pregnant still. Maybe my body knew I couldn't handle the stress of the relationship and carry a healthy child :(
I agree, holiday weekends are hard. We use to spend everyone together and his absence just makes me feel empty. Even though he would have ruined it by being a major **** to anyone and everyone we would come across. :(
Ugh gosh I wish I could say mine was a **** to everyone around him. See, that's why I go back and forth between "is he or isn't he" feelings of A N or not. He was and is loved by pretty much everyone in his life.. But me. And he made sure a few times I knew that no one else had a problem with him. But now I see it as a performance to keep up his act. He is overly helpful to everyone, super outgoing and Funny/witty. Acts very caring and compassionate putting on a "Christian mask" most of the time. But in reality, his life is about his goals, his successes (book on how to be the most successful person by his bedside) he cares so much about his pretty car, his pretty house, his pretty body. That's the person I saw after all these years, no one else seems to notice except for my family.
@JL18 I think he sounds like a narc based off of what you have said. Narcs often wear a mask around other so if you were to tell them about his abuse towards you, nobody would ever believe you. Therefore, that keeps you quiet and still willing to be his victim because your afraid nobody would believe you and that everyone will think there is something wrong with you for leaving such a “wonderful” man. Ick. These guys are sick. My Narc was so extreme, he couldn’t control his bad behavior in front of others. Your sounds more strategic.
@dlj83az I get how you’re feeling because I also live it! Just dropped my daughter off with her dad, my ex N. He was charming and trying to get me to go out for the day with them! It’s so hard when you build your life around someone and easy to feel alone and isolated now. He just texted me a few minutes ago that I should have stayed because he’s a good catch. Maybe so if a person likes being insulted, criticized, ignored and put last behind his other female friends (aka-social harem). It’s not easy to move on but just remember he will be this way with everyone else and it’s no way to live. I even tried going back and same thing, different time!
Haha yeah, the thought of everyone loving this person that ripped my soul into pieces for the last five years, makes me want to puke. It always feels like they are winning.
Yeah I know the feeling yet can recognize that's it's a very immature mind set comparing to them. I was just in the hospital for valley fever and all I could think was I bet he's having more fun and happiness but that was an idle mind. I got out of hospital yesterday and have been staying busy and tonight I'm going to barbecue with my new family here in chicago. I remember that the people around me know the real me and like who I am. The narcs. are living a facade and I'm a way it's kinda sad for them not that I recommend feeling any sympathy for the a-holes. Do something completely new. Turning your experience into a positive life changing event I think is a great way to take the power they have away.
Yes this is true about not comparing and realizing that the people who really know me know I am not the bad person he thought I was because of my reactions to the hurt. I am still fresh in this so it's still hard to keep a good mindset when all you think about was "it all was really just fake to them?" It's shocking. Mine too, once said it was my loss for leaving, and that rings in my head and I think he knew it would.
I know it hurts and that's good , we are human and reacting appropriately to things is what we can take solace in. Remember that your feelings are valid and your entitled to them. time will make it better and if we recall our first love and the way the world felt it was ending .. then we can remember it will get better. In the mean time take it in stride at your pace. Granted time only is helpful if u keep no contact and in this social media age it's hard.
I decided not to date until I can heal from this abusive relationship after 12+ years. I need to establish solid healthy boundaries and learn to have self respect and esteem and learn to know who I am as a person. My life evolved only around my ex narc and he broke me down completely.
I had gone out a few times with a guy, but he was getting pushy, telling me he loved me and I saw the red flags. It showed me I am still attracting narcs and I am still vulnerable. I need to guard my heart and not be too open with my personal life, otherwise I am a target.
Anyone else ever still hope for the narc to come knocking on your door, every time I hear a branch hit my window my heart drops. I made it nearly impossible to reach me and I regret that sometimes wondering if he even tries to, I go crazy with these thoughts. When do they end? Why do I desire more pain from this person
@JL18
After numerous times of breaking up, I still wanted him and when I returned each time, the abuse only worsens. What really made it final this time (6 months of no contact) is that it escalated to indescribable pain and torture and punishment, severe depression and suicidal thoughts and finding out he has been unfaithful to me during the 12+ years of being with him. The brutal discard and devaluation left me to the brink of so much disparity that I had no choice but to leave, he made it a living hell but was too much a coward. He told me numerous times that he wanted me to go, but would blame me for getting him so mad that it made him say such things. This time I left and he denied ever telling me to leave and it was my choice to leave and he stopped living me for 4 years. He was brutal to the very end.
I remember mine used to always say "I ran the ship" and when I would leave because he would push me to the brink he would then tell me it is I who continues to make this choice . It was like he pushed me to leave with discard and silent treatments and disrespecting boundaries, but then tell me it was my fault we aren't together and that he would never leave me if I would just "be easy on him" I have been through this pain for many years many points wanting to kill myself as well although I never could have the guts to do so, I'm sure messing with a person who did have the guts would already be dead. That is what pushed me to have this long without contact and seeing him this time because I know inevitabley it only gets worse and I physically and mentally cannot handle much worse right now I'm recovering alcoholic as well so this has been a cause of relapse for years and now I have over three months clean and know if I go back I'll die. He literally, is killing me, or I am killing me by going back. Ugh
@JL18 my Narc pulls the same sympathy act. When he blatantly called me names in front of our daughter, I said it was enough. He agreed and basically made comments about how he could not wait for it to be over because I “complained” each day. Now that I’ve left however, he’s impising a huge guilt trip saying it was my choice to go. Entirely me decision that I made to leave my family. He tells our daughter that , mommy wanted to leave."
It was more a matter of necessity as my children were seeing verbal abuse for the second time (return from separation of a year) and I was completely broken emotionally. He has a cold soul for sure but others think he’s quite the family man and leader of course. He posts pics of his kids, coaching, military accomplishments every chance he gets on facebook. Now he’s trying to gain sympathy as if I just bailed on him. I know the truth though which is all that really matters!
