Honesty

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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I have always prided myself on my honesty. It was a quality that was held in high regard by my parents. I remember stealing a pencil in kindergarten. Well, I don't actually remember stealing it... But I remember my mom marching me back up to school. I had to appologize to my teacher. I cried with shame as I handed her the large, burgundy tooth-gnawed pencil... I have been honest in the years to follow, really to the point of ratting myself out! LOL! And yet, when I read over the "laundry list" of problems published by ACA, I see that many of us "lie when it would be easier to tell the truth". And I wonder...

When I look back at myself honestly... I know that I HAVE lied. And not just the little white, 'I love that new blouse!' kind of lie... Not even the self-preserving, "I respect you!" kind of lie. The worst lies have been those I've told to myself.

Self-deception may seem less serious in some ways... Afterall, if I convince myself of something, I can't REALLY be guilty of LYING, can I? But I fear that those are in fact the most dangerous, damaging kinds of fibs. The deep, confusing, confounding kind. The kind that prevents self-knowledge. Blocks growth. And seriously impedes self-actualization.

My most often told lie seems inoccuous. "I'm fine." But I told it to everyone, and still do. The words slipping easily from my lips, almost without conscious thought. And I have often repeated the words to myself. "I'm thin. But I'm not TOO thin. I'm dizzy and cold and it hurts to sit on the floor. But I'm FINE! See? I just ate that sandwich. See? I smiled! I'm okay... I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not depressed. There's nothing wrong with me! My BMI isn't too low. Yet." These lies slip in quietly. They steal away truth. And the ability to ask for help.

Other lies are less immediately destructive, but equally damning. They slip in silently and are often PRAISED! These are the people-pleasing, meet-their-expectations lies. The result of which is a discombobulating mix of self-deception and low self-worth. Pushing myself to BE someone different. Someone that THEY would admire. Respect. Praise. A teacher... A person that laughs and smiles and never NEEDS anyone... Intelligent... Hard working... Perfect... Trying to be all things to all people. Please them ALL! Make everyone like me! But in doing so... I failed. I failed by setting my expectations too high; no one can please everyone. I failed by setting my expectations too LOW; be THIS, do THIS, say it THIS way... At the very great expense of knowing myself. Who would I be if I was free from expectations? Well... I'd be me. But who is that??

Honesty... We talk about it so often... Our society holds it in high regard. But we can't truly call ourselves HONEST until we can stop trying to be perfect. Until we stop living solely for others. Until we stop lying to ourselves.

The truth: I am a girl. I lack self-confidence. I love being creative. I try to be honest. :) I adore animals. I would rather spend a day with a book than an evening at a club. I have an eating disorder. And depression. And I need people. I want love in my life. I am afraid of most everything. I'm afraid of letting others in. Of allowing them to get to know me. Of rejecting me. Hurting me. I also desperately want to be able to trust people. I want to believe that the world is generally a GOOD place. I want to feel safe. Loved. Cared for. My lies were necessary as a child, when all my life was wrapped up in one need: survival! But now I'm FREE! I'm an adult. I'm responsible for and TO myself. And lying to myself only serves to take me further from being able to live my best life. Honestly. :)

Much love to you! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject. ♥

Jen

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Jen,

I kinda chuckled to myself when i read your post since i saw myself in your words. 'I'm fine' is my most prominent lie. I say that to everyone and it feels natural as you say.

A few months back, when it became obvious from my appearance that i was not fine, and i became tired of saying i was fine when i wasn't, i did start saying to people that i was not fine, but i was being supported. People did not really know how to respond to this but to say: well, you just make sure you take care of yourself. Truth is, i am not doing well on that front either.

So the question is: what do we gain from being honest and saying how we feel etc? Are there some people who we should be honest with because they can help (professionals) and others that we should keep at arms length by uttering those infamous words: i'm fine. And the latter simply because those people cannot provide us with the support we need perhaps or are not best placed to do so (work colleagues, distant friends etc).

I say we can be honest in different measures. With different words. Like to professionals trying to help us, we owe it to ourselves to be honest with them. With others, we can allow them to know all is not well but put their mind at ease that we are being supported (my preferred word).

Such an intersting topic. The only reason i would lie is to deceive people into thinking my life is fine and great. That does not help me, and it does not help them.

After opening up to a friend about what has been going on with me and a sibling, and then finding that they share similar and yet different experiences to me, i have realised that we allow others to open up to us when we open up to them. We let people know that life is not perfect when they realise that we are not perfect. I say this cos sometimes in Church, everyone is smiling, seems happy, like their lives are perfect so we who find that we are not living perfect lives, isolate ourselves as if we are the anomaly. Not true. Perfection exists only in the imagination. And that my friend, is the end of the story.

Thank you.

xx

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JJ,

I'm so glad you joined Support Groups! I'd love to hear more of your story. Yes, honesty is so important. :) It's natural to lie to cover up our problems, but doing so doesn't really help... It may allow the ED to continue and even grow for a while. But that only takes us further away from who we are meant to be, and makes the climb to recovery that much harder. I'm glad you are joining in here. It's a tough battle, but well worth the fight. ♥

Sreb,

Ah, my clever friend. :) Yes, I agree with you; it's not necessary to tell everyone everything. I have not yet learned to trust that I know who I can tell my secrets and who I can't... I have been burned by telling some people too much. And have only hurt myself by isolating and turning inward, away from the caring support of many... How do we know? I don't have the answer... But I'm realizing that the first thing I MUST stop doing is lying to ME... If I don't know who I am and what I want out of life, if I continue to bury my head in the sand, hoping my problems will disolve on their own, I'll only stagnate... Eventually I'll get sick of the stagnation and have a harder time doing the work I ought to have done to begin with. And... Wait a minute... (poking head out of sand...) I'm 34, single, and clueless! LOL!! sigh... Such is my life... Anyway, I must start being honest with myself before I can think about telling others my truth. I can't share what I don't know... That doesn't mean I need to run around with a megaphone broadcasting everything to everyone... "Attention please! I would like you all to know that I am single, available, lonely, and ready to run from any and all realationship opportunities! I am damaged goods! I will expect you to know how I feel without telling you, and I really don't even know myself! I am needy, but only want you in my life on MY terms. I am a worrier and don't know much about having fun. I spend money I don't have. I dote on my cats because they love me unconditionally, but if YOU tried to treat me with the same love, I would be suspicious and mistrusting, and feel smothered. I'd dump you in a moment. Anyone interested? Line forming here... I'll be waiting in my sand-cave." Bleh-- Honesty... Yeah... Perhaps just a little at a time, and to the right people. ;0) Hehehehe...

End of the story, huh?? Ah, I'm not so easily satisfied... ;0)

Love you, friend! :)

Jen

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Jen, you are too funny. I can just picture you running around with that megaphone. I'll be the one in the background saying: errm, i have no idea who she is but she's not with me. Only joking. I will be right there with you saying: forget all those damaged goods business, she is a wonderful, inspirational, talented young woman.

And yes, you are right: being honest with ourselves is the first step.

Love you Jen.

xx

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Jen,

Like sreb, i saw myself in your words.

"I am fine!" Three small simple words blurted out so often and with such ease but how many times when we said it did we actually really truely mean it or even believe it??? I think about that alot lately and for the first time in years i find myself thinking before i answere the seemingly simple and common question "How are you?" and the truth is there are times (depending on who asks too) that i really do not know what to say...

"How are you?"
Its a question asked so often and by almost anyone...
You know some people come up and ask just for the sake of conversation...you respond i am fine and it doesnt seem like a lie because they arent REALLY asking are they?
then there are those who ask "HOW ARE YOU?" and they mean it and you know you are lieing when you say it. And then there is us...Ourselves, when we look at ourselves and straight out lie to our own selves, when we find a million and two reasons why we cannot be NOT FINE and ignore the rest. We rationalise, go around things and insist that we are fine...and those are the lies that can get dangerous...I found that you can lie to the whole world and maybe you can even get away with it, but to yourself you can only do it for so long, because you cant run away from yourself and ultimately its ourselves we have to face...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Jen. Always love reading your posts!

Sending Love and smiles
Andrea

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Sreb,

Thank you, friend. ♥

Andrea,

Such a good point!! Some people ask and aren't really looking for an honest answer. I have actually (guilty admission) asked people what kind of answer they want! Only a few times! LOL!! Ugh... Sometimes I'm really baffled... Should I be honest? Or polite? Grrr...

Yes, in the end, it's ourselves we have to live with...

Love you both!

Jen

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i really do love this post. so eloqently written. and so TRUE. if your whole life is aimed at people pleasing, and being fake in order to be liked, what kind of life is that? a miserable one. one where people dont like you, but a FAKE you. and if people only like you for your size, and admire that, then you know what? goodbye--i dont want you as my freind.

hmm perfection. i always strive for it, yet i know it is wrong. i dont know why i do this to myself. i try to change myself, but im essence i lose myself. i remember last week, i lost too much weight9not by much), and i was happy --thinking im a different person now! but deep inside i knew i was wrong. i felt FAKE. not me . someone else. like i ws conforming to be accepted. i was lying to myself. i wasnt myself. i didnt like it. so, over the weekend, i did gain the weight back, and at first i freaked--but i thought --hey this is me. not a fake me. this is who i am. i dont want to be anything other than me. and it is hard to come to term with, to accept myself , but i have to. no more conforming for admiration. the admiration isnt wrth the misery of lying to yourself! it isnt! and a life built around people pleasing is a life in HELL. hey if you dont like me for who i am, screw you. sorry for the bluntness, but i felt the need, ha.
i think you have to feel angry about this, emotion, or it wont go away.

thanks so for the post, it made me think about my own thoughts--why am i always trying to change who i am and what for? hmmmmmm

love to you my wonderful freind!

maureen

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Maureen,

Good points! Yes, by trying to be perfect (which isn't even possible) and someone that we're not, we prevent ourselves from reaching our full potential. And you know? Trying to meet others' expectations... Generally they expect less from us than we can achieve. How does it really help to shoot for expectations that are too low? And counter to the wonderful people we are? ♥

Love to you!

Jen